Jilted Trump Gonna Set Fire To Georgia With Loeffler, Perdue Trapped Inside
Republicans are desperate to hold onto two US Senate seats in Georgia next month, but one-term loser Donald Trump appears more interested in attacking Georgia Gov. Brian Kemp, who he won't forgive for not helping him steal the state's 16 electoral votes.
What a fool Governor @BrianKempGA of Georgia is. Could have been so easy, but now we have to do it the hard way. De… https://t.co/ag9W8uDBE3— Donald J. Trump (@Donald J. Trump)1607922213.0
Trump leans into his mob boss bit at the end of his tweeted cry for help: Act NOW, Kemp, or it could be a “bad day" for Senators David Perdue and Kelly Loeffler, who both suck. But that was the height of class compared to what President Coup Coup retweeted this morning.
Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger hasn't committed any actual crimes, to our knowledge, aside from letting (Black) people vote, which these days is more like using the wrong fork at dinner or not writing a prompt thank-you note. That's progress for you. Kemp's near criminal incompetence has led to skyrocketing COVID-19 cases with almost 10,000 deaths, but Trump doesn't care about boring pandemics.
The Jan. 5 runoff, which will determine if Mitch McConnell will continue giving America an atomic wedgie, has driven historic levels of spending, and Trump has put his personal vendettas aside long enough to raise money like a team player and then take his cut.
President Donald Trump couldn't make it any clearer: He needs his supporters to fork over cash for the all-important Georgia Senate runoff elections.
"We MUST defend Georgia from the Dems!" he wrote in one recent text message. "I need YOU to secure a WIN in Georgia," he said in another. "Help us WIN both Senate races in Georgia & STOP Socialist Dems," he pleaded a few days later.
However, it appears that the Loeffler and Perdue Olive Oil Emporium is a front organization and Trump is pocketing most of the cash like a common goodfella.
Sure, it seems like Trump's "aggressive fundraising blitz" is all about the Georgia Senate races, and you can certainly get that impression from the words he uses in his pitch. But that's only if you're dumb enough not to read the fine print: Most of the free money he's taking from fools goes directly to his new PAC, which he plans to use to
pay down his mountain of debt “fund his future political activities," which will mostly involve whining on Twitter and at his hate rallies about how the election was “stolen" from him.
Senior Republicans are reportedly “rankled" over Trump's grift. The National Republican Senatorial Committee has expressed “concern" at level five on the Susan Collins scale. The GOP, which has apparently just met Trump, is now worried that he'll "use his post-presidency to advance his own interests at the expense of the party."
"The reality is Donald Trump does not care about the future of the Republican Party, so if he can raise money off of the Georgia runoffs but keep the money for his own purposes, he will do so," said Doug Heye, a veteran GOP strategist.
The chumps who respond to Trump's emails and texts are sent to a site that asks for donations ranging from $5 (a Starbucks latte) to $2,800 (a Starbucks peppermint mocha). Trump's PAC, Save America, which Joe Biden just did, gobbles up 75 percent of every donation up to the first $5,000 given. The remaining 25 percent goes to the Republican National Committee, which in turn paid for Trump's recent Valdosta whine fest. Not a cent goes directly to the Republican Senate candidates.
Meanwhile, President-elect Joe Biden has personally raised $10 million for Democrats Jon Ossoff and Raphael Warnock, who are outspending Loeffler and Perdue on TV $131 million to $86 million. Republicans have outright begged for access to Trump's prized small donor list, but his advisers have so far refused, claiming Trump needs that money for his reelection campaign, which is non-existent because he lost.
Trump has offered to help in other, more pointless, ways, such as signing emails for Loeffler and Perdue, whose campaigns can send them out to their dozens of loyal supporters. He's also sent in his “top surrogate" Larry Kudlow. The chief White House economist hosted a thrilling online fundraiser for the Republican senators.
It's also possible that Trump's fragile ego couldn't survive losing Georgia while punk ass candidates Loeffler and Perdue prevailed. It would single him out as a failure. Better to just torch the place and run off with the insurance money.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).