The Reverend Jim "Stop Being Surprised I'm Still Alive" Bakker offered a compelling reason to to ban abortion: We have to, because while God is almighty, he's also kind of a klutz when it comes to actually bringing His divine plans to fruition. On Monday's edition of Bakker's cable Jesus show that we suspect is watched only by the staff of RightWingWatch, the disgraced old grifter pushed the Republicans' “Heartbeat Bill,” a measure whose supporters brag will make abortions illegal "before the mother even knows she’s pregnant," which sure sounds like a whole new frontier in informed consent.

And why do we need to ban abortion? Duh: to cure cancer. You see, Bakker explained, we're murdering so many babies these days that the Almighty Creator of the Universe, who knows when any sparrow falls in the forest with a sad feathery thud, simply can't predestine any wombs to bear the fruit that will eventually cure cancer:

I believe America is cursed if we keep murdering our babies. I believe we are doomed as a nation -- whatever you think, I don’t care, because I believe God says, ‘Thou shall not kill.’ And to murder our unborn babies, I don’t believe God can look [the other way]

Except for capital punishment for women who have abortions, we'll assume. And stoning gays and adulteresses to death, because those are definitely in the Bible. But surely you remember all the times the Bible condemns abortion, like in the Book Of Not Actually Mentioned At All.

Ever the humble cable teevee huckster, Bakker explained that if only more people watched his show, he could inform them of events that very definitely happened, and so we would see the light and stop aborting the babies who will one day grow up to cure cancer:

This program could be an important cog to stop abortion in this country [...]

The thing we have done in America, we have killed our babies. We have killed the future of America. I told you the other day about a story, someone said they asked God, "Why haven’t we had a cure for cancer?" And He said back, "I gave you two scientists that had the cure and both of them were aborted."

As of press time, the women who aborted the cancer-curing scientists have not been identified, but once they are, we bet they'll face a massive class action suit by survivors of people who've died from cancer. Maybe God will tell Jim Bakker who those terrible women were! Also, while he has the Almighty on the prayer-horn, he might ask -- humbly, of course -- how an omniscient being couldn't plan things out a little better and maybe sow lots and lots of people with cancer-cure sperms and eggs, or at least choose a womb that wouldn't ironically get emptied out. Also, maybe Jim Bakker could try not adapting his theology from an old episode of "The Twilight Zone."

Disappointingly, Bakker didn't give any credit at all to a young woman in Truth or Consequences, New Mexico, who in 1987 had an abortion that prevented the birth of a son who otherwise would have become a psychopathic serial murderer who would have put the Green River Killer to shame. God told us all about it and said, "You people really dodged a bullet (and an axe and a baseball bat) that time."

Still we would certainly encourage Our Heavenly Father to give it another shot and perhaps improve the odds by sending a whole a lot more cancer-cure scientist zygotes to wombs around the world, especially in the USA. Surely He knows we have enough dumbshit preachers already.

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[RightWingWatch / HuffPo]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

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[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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