Jim Jordan Can't Get Corona-Drunk At The Golden Corral Buffet, And HE. IS. MAD.

The message has gone out, and it is coordinated. The grass-troturfed protests are happening in every major city, with regular old quietly PAC-funded citizens taking to the streets to say it's time to end the tyranny of the coronavirus pandemic having to stay at home from the Golden Corral buffet to slow the spread of the coronavirus pandemic. And the stupidest Republican politicians are on message too.

And when we say "stupidest," we aren't just tossing that word around like ranch dressing crouton salad from the Golden Corral buffet salad bar, we really mean it, because we are talking about Jim Jordan from Ohio.

Jordan, who was the idiot star of the GOP "defense" of Donald Trump's impeachment, went on Fox News on Saturday night to talk about the REAL crisis, and it is all the governors and mayors who have done stay-at-home orders. Which is almost all of 'em at this point, including the Republican governor of Jordan's state, Mike DeWine, who has been an unexpected hero of the coronavirus response. Jimbo wants to 'VESTIGATE THEM.

It happened on the Judge Jeanine show, which was already even more of a rage-fest than usual, as she yelled that America can't be allowed to shut down the Arby's because of a "WU-HAN," THAT'S RIGHT SHE SAID A "WUUUUU-HAN" virus. And like Judge Jeanine, Jim Jordan was MAD GRRR ARGH.

He is just ready to get back to work, so the House Judiciary Committee, for which he is now inexplicably the ranking Republican, can do the important work of the American people:

JORDAN: One of things we should do, judge, particularly on the Judiciary Committee? We should be looking at [...] the threats to liberty we see, where governors are saying you're going to get a ticket if you go to church, where the mayor of Los Angeles, one of our biggest cities [...] said "snitches will be rewarded." What kinda message is that?


JORDAN: We had a prosecutor in one of our big counties in Ohio, a prosecutor said if he were the governor, he would call out the National Guard to stop you from going to church!

There is so much stupid to unpack here, but we will try, even though it is Monday.

Firstly, nobody is being targeted for their faith or for going to church specifically. It just so happens that churches are one kind of large gathering that become super-spreader disease pools, as people sit close to each other and worship. We imagine it's a particular problem in the conservative evangelical charismatic mega-church type places, because those people have their hands up in the air and they're faking speaking in tongues like "BEEBLE BOBBLE BEEBLE BOBBLE," just spitting disease all over everywhere, even on the clearly unvaccinated baby Jesus. Nobody is saying those people can't worship like that! They just can't do it together right now, just like they can't go to the mall together.

Secondly, what kind of message is "snitches will be rewarded," as hot-ass Los Angeles mayor Eric Garcetti definitely did say? Well, JIMBO, it's the opposite of "snitches get stitches," which we understand from Donald Trump's reaction to the impeachment trial and the Russia investigation is the m.o. of Jim Jordan's mob daddy criminal president. We know Jordan doesn't like it when people snitch, either on his constant crimer president, or on the team doc at Ohio State who was sexually abusing all the wrestlers, all of whom say Jim Jordan knew it was happening. And now he just doesn't like the idea of people snitching on poor put-upon abused conservative Christians, who just want the religious freedom to eat virus cookies will their fellow disease vectors at the revival every Sunday.

Yeah well sorry, but this is a global fucking pandemic, JIMBO, and those people are "A-holes," just like Eric Garcetti also said, on the Maddow show.

But very legal, very cool, Jim Jordan wants to go back to Congress so he can do investigations of the governors and mayors who have done stay-at-home orders. Surely the Deep State made them do that, with some kind of fake dossier they created just to hurt Donald Trump. You betcha.

If Jim Jordan actually got to do a congressional investigation into the governors, would he finally buy a suit jacket to wear to Congress? Hahaha, he he would not, because on top of how stupid he is, Jim Jordan is sloppy as fuck and devoted to looking like gross shit at all times, it is kind of his thing, the end.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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