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Let's be clear about something right here: There are a lot of Republicans flat-out lying about what's in the Carter Page FISA warrant applications, because they know they can get away with it on account of how none of their base voters are willing/able to read things for themselves. But only one Republican flat-out lying about it just got named in a new class action lawsuit alleging he protected a sexual abuser sports doctor at Ohio State University who allegedly sexually attacked at least 1,500 college wrestlers.

That guy is Jim Jordan, congressman from Ohio.


His tweet:

Nope! On all counts!

First of all, you stupid conspiracy-theory-believing moron crapsack piece of shit, the FISA app says nothing about the credibility of the dossier. You just made that one up while you were ignoring some sexual abuse, ALLEGEDLY.

As for the second, the FBI totally fucking told the court where some of the intel came from. Now, Jordan is right that the app didn't say HILLARY CLINTON, because that's not how FISA apps are written. They don't name Americans, because the FBI/DOJ and the rest of the intelligence community go to great lengths not to UNMASK American citizens named in such documents. (Ask your buddy Devin Nunes about UNMASKING, you flagon full of lobotomized turkey jizz.)

So unless Jordan is saying four FISA judges appointed by Republicans were too DOY DOY DOY DOY DOY to know that the two candidates running for president in 2016 were Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, his point is invalid and he should resign immediately for the crime of being too stupid for Congress.

Here's that screenshot:

As for the third, everybody knows Chris Steele eventually started talking to the media, or what Jim Jordan refers to as "leaking," because Jim Jordan is a moron. But as Fusion GPS co-founder Glenn Simpson stated to Congress, and as these documents -- the source documents that Jim Fucking Jordan is apparently too goddamned stupid to read -- confirm, Steele started talking to the media precisely because he was worried what was going on at the FBI, specifically that the bureau was giving WAY too much attention to whether Hillary Clinton exchanged emails about yoga on her private server, and not enough attention to the information he was giving them, about a giant conspiracy between the Trump campaign and Russia to steal American democracy.

Here is a screengrab from the application that debunks both Jordan's last point AND his first point, because apparently God doesn't want us to have to waste too much time on Jim Jordan's brainless, trifling, unpatriotic ass:

Hope this little explainer has been helpful, Jim Jordan!

Now go ignore some more sexual abuse!

Or, you know, don't.

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Oh good, Jared Kushner decided to pick today to come out from the hidey hole where he back channels with Russians and the Saudi Murder Prince while lustily fingering the security clearance unlawfully procured for him by an unelected president.

That's just super.

It was at the Time 100 event, not because Jared was on the Time 100 this year, but we guess because he was on it in 2017. His profile back then was written by Henry Kissinger, who predicted he would be a "success." We guess this happened during a part of the event called "The Time 100's Biggest Bloopers, OMG" ... oh wait, hold on, Wonkette has just been informed that Time was being serious when it invited Jared.

Our bad.

Say something stupid in reaction to the release of the Mueller Report, J-Kush:

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We swear that John Cornyn is an honest-to-goodness US senator. Yet this is what the Texas Republican (or at least his campaign team) is tweeting while serious people are discussing impeaching the president.

Team Cornyn's tweet quickly found itself a resident of Ratio-ville, where the presiding mayor is Howard Schultz. But why did this crack team of political savants scour Twitter for old-ass tweets from one of the new Mads on "Mystery Science Theater 3000"? Is Patton Oswalt running for Senate? He's certainly more fit for office than Donald Trump. No, apparently, the comedian is just a supporter of a Senate candidate. Democrat MJ Hegar just launched her campaign today to unseat Cornyn in 2020, and Team Cornyn's rapid response was to attack someone who once said nice things about her. Seriously, they have no other connection.

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