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Let's be clear about something right here: There are a lot of Republicans flat-out lying about what's in the Carter Page FISA warrant applications, because they know they can get away with it on account of how none of their base voters are willing/able to read things for themselves. But only one Republican flat-out lying about it just got named in a new class action lawsuit alleging he protected a sexual abuser sports doctor at Ohio State University who allegedly sexually attacked at least 1,500 college wrestlers.

That guy is Jim Jordan, congressman from Ohio.


His tweet:

Nope! On all counts!

First of all, you stupid conspiracy-theory-believing moron crapsack piece of shit, the FISA app says nothing about the credibility of the dossier. You just made that one up while you were ignoring some sexual abuse, ALLEGEDLY.

As for the second, the FBI totally fucking told the court where some of the intel came from. Now, Jordan is right that the app didn't say HILLARY CLINTON, because that's not how FISA apps are written. They don't name Americans, because the FBI/DOJ and the rest of the intelligence community go to great lengths not to UNMASK American citizens named in such documents. (Ask your buddy Devin Nunes about UNMASKING, you flagon full of lobotomized turkey jizz.)

So unless Jordan is saying four FISA judges appointed by Republicans were too DOY DOY DOY DOY DOY to know that the two candidates running for president in 2016 were Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, his point is invalid and he should resign immediately for the crime of being too stupid for Congress.

Here's that screenshot:

As for the third, everybody knows Chris Steele eventually started talking to the media, or what Jim Jordan refers to as "leaking," because Jim Jordan is a moron. But as Fusion GPS co-founder Glenn Simpson stated to Congress, and as these documents -- the source documents that Jim Fucking Jordan is apparently too goddamned stupid to read -- confirm, Steele started talking to the media precisely because he was worried what was going on at the FBI, specifically that the bureau was giving WAY too much attention to whether Hillary Clinton exchanged emails about yoga on her private server, and not enough attention to the information he was giving them, about a giant conspiracy between the Trump campaign and Russia to steal American democracy.

Here is a screengrab from the application that debunks both Jordan's last point AND his first point, because apparently God doesn't want us to have to waste too much time on Jim Jordan's brainless, trifling, unpatriotic ass:

Hope this little explainer has been helpful, Jim Jordan!

Now go ignore some more sexual abuse!

Or, you know, don't.

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Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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Photo by Wonkette Operative 'Teecha'

If it's Sunday, this must be Nice Things, our weekly escape from the quotidian awfulness. Our featured doggo this week comes via a photo by Wonkette reader "Teecha," and we don't think Teecha mentioned a name for this lovely old rescue dog. If it is a dog at all: I think it may actually be one of Sia's more inventive disguises, like that time she was a little pony.

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The producers of your favorite live-action Jack Chick pamphlet, "God's Not Dead" -- you know, the one where the Hercules dude plays an evil philosophy professor who tells all of his students on the first day that they are no longer allowed to believe in god? As all secular professors do? -- have come out with a thrilling new movie, all about how abortion is bad or whatever.

The movie tells the "true" story of Abby Johnson, a former Planned Parenthood clinic worker turned professional anti-choicer. Johnson has been a darling of the forced birth circuit ever since she made up ridiculous and provably false reasons for quitting the Planned Parenthood that was about to fire her for being bad at her job.

Basically, she claims that Planned Parenthood was pushing her to make more abortions happen so they could reel in more dough, and also that she witnessed (for the first time ever!) an ultrasound-guided abortion and saw the baby move from the light and then immediately realized that what she was doing was wrong.

The thing is, however -- no ultrasound-guided abortions were performed on the day she said it happened, and the only reason there was an uptick in abortions at her clinic was because they started offering the abortion pill on a daily basis (and had previously only been performing surgical abortions every other Saturday).

As you may have guessed, the movie does not address any of these things. It also looks very, very bad.

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