Hurray, President Jimmy Carter, that commu-sexual Marxo-lesbian oldster who used to be president, and who is famously involved with the Southern Baptist church, even if he's pretty pissed at those lady-hatin' fools on a regular basis, has issued a new decree for us to obey, and it is about gays, and how Jesus of Nazareth would be just fine with gay marriage, as long as everybody treats each other nice-like and isn't abusive:

"I believe Jesus would. I don't have any verse in scripture. ... I believe Jesus would approve gay marriage, but that's just my own personal belief. I think Jesus would encourage any love affair if it was honest and sincere and was not damaging to anyone else, and I don't see that gay marriage damages anyone else."

Jesus would encourage ANY LOVE AFFAIR! Is this the slippery slope we think it is? Eh, it's a little bunny slope and it wouldn't be so slippery if it weren't for all the lube from the consensual love affairs Jimmy Carter and Jesus are allowing us to have now. Of course, wingnuts like Tom DeLay are always like "well what's to stop us from legalizing love affairs between children and dogs?" and we're like "that's on you, Tom DeLay, never crossed our minds."

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Of course, the reason there is no slippery slope is because the word "consent" is implied in the words "honest and sincere and NOT DAMAGING TO ANYONE ELSE," so in case you are a gross wingnut and need a primer:

YAY: Hetero marriage that is nice and non-controlling and loving and stuff.

BOO: Man-on-dog, because your dog doesn't have the brain power to consent. This goes for all the animals, even the smart, evolved ones you liberals like to prattle on about, like dolphins. DON'T FUCK FLIPPER, YOU GUYS.

YAY: Gay stuff, like in the butt, or in the lesbian way, which involves power tools, we think.

YAY AGAIN: Consenting, respectful love affairs between three or four people. Jesus and Jimmy Carter said that's hawt, you guys.

BOO: That sister-wife polygamist shit where the wives are basically chattel property, whether it's done for fucked up religious purposes or not.

Um, yay? Man-on-toaster. I mean, you're weird and all, but that toaster doesn't have a soul, and as long as you take the proper electrical precautions to protect yourself, we guess ... God, you're so weird. You can't marry your appliances, though, because they don't know how to sign legal documents.

BOO BAD GROSS SICK: Boning the dead. They can see what you are doing to their body, from Heaven, and they are tattling to God on you RIGHT NOW.

EVEN WORSER: Anything involving kids. Again, cannot consent. DUH.

See? This is very simple. You can do what makes your groin parts grin, as long as it doesn't hurt anybody else.

Jesus and Jimmy Carter said so.

[Huffington Post via USA Today]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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