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Joe Arpaio's Birther Investigation So Secret Not Even Joe Arpaio Knows What's Going On

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Some very exciting news for the birther conspiracy community seemed to erupt Monday afternoon, only to be snatched away immediately. For a few short hours, it appeared that Birther Hero Sheriff Joe Arpaio had confirmed that he'dassigned two full-time detectives to some aspect of the investigation of Barry Hussein Soetoro Bopshabop Peggy Fleming's birth certificate, a claim that first surfaced last Friday in a radio interview with Lt. Mike Zullo, the head of the Maricopa County Sheriff's Office Birth Certificate Task Force. (What, your county sheriff doesn't have an Obama Birth Certificate Task Force? Tough for you.) But then a few hours later, the MCSO issued a clarification saying, nah, mang, there aren't any detectives doing that. Now the only question remaining is: Who did the Obamabots get to?


In an interview (caution - loud sound effect at start of recording) with birther fringe character Reverend Carl Gallups,* Zullo said that two detectives had been dedicated to the birth certificate case. Monday, the Arizona's Politics blog said that it had received confirmation from MCSO that

"We have two Sheriff’s detectives assigned to look into other issues surrounding the birth certificate, however they are not investigating the birth certificate issue itself."

But then, two and a half hours later, the same blog reported that MCSO Lt. Brandon Jones, a spokesman for Arpaio, had withdrawn the earlier confirmation and said that the detectives are, in fact,

"not working on anything regarding the birth certificate. Not even surrounding. Mr Zullo was incorrect, they are working on other sensitive cases not even related."

And so birthers everywhere cried to learn that while the Task Force may ultimately issue some "universe-shattering" news, there aren't any fulltime detectives working on the birth certificate. Actually, hold the phone! Not all birthers cried: we have this brilliant analysis from "Joe Mannix" over at Birther Report:

Hold on a minute fella's. I just noticed 'ArizonaPolitics.com' is posting over at Fogbow [a birther-debunking site -- Dok Zoom] and noticed he has 21 posts to date there. This could be a deception by Obots to attempt to make Zullo out to be liar. We need confirmation from another trustworthy source. I don't think a spokes person from the Maricopa County Sheriff's Office would be on the phone this time of night talking to a blogger about what is going on with these detectives.

And it was at this moment that we had our great insight into the Birther Movement: They approach the law and reality itself with the same zeal and standards of proof that you'd find in a science fiction fan community. "I seriously doubt that Starfleet would allow Picard to bend the rules like that! Totally unbelievable!"

As the comment thread continued, "Joe Mannix" even turned up a sarcastic comment on another blog by Arizona's Politics blogger Mitch Martinson, who said in response to the accusation above, "Awesome! I am somebody! Hi, my name is Mitch Martinson, and I am an Obot." Needless to say, Joe Mannix had all the proof he needed: "You're posting an notorious Obot site and you call yourself an Obot. That's all the context anyone needs." Yr Doktor Zoom just loves these guys. (He admitted it!)

And finally, we were seriously disappointed by the headline at Arizona's Politics, which said that "Arpaio Now Has 2 FT Detectives Working On Investigation" -- for a moment there, we thought it was pretty cool that Arpaio had found some two-foot detectives.

*Incidentally, in the same interview, Rev. Gallups denied that he had sent a letter to Orly Taitz asking her to "stand down" from her own birther litigation, so we guess there's no internecine birther slapfight after all. If we thought this nonsense mattered, we might do a post on it. But probably not.

[Arizona's Politics / And Again / Birther Report]

Follow Doktor Zoom on Twitter. He thinks the real birth certificate was in Benghazi, which would explain a lot.

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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Cripes the News has been awful lately! And so Yr Editrix suggested we find some good, positive news. Especially after we pitched writing a Wonket about this Mother Jones story on how global warming may be killing the whales, even though Donald Trump knows their prince. (Reply: "Nope. FOR SURE NOT THAT.") And so, as a reminder that a gooder world is possible and apropos of nothing at all that definitely didn't set your Editrix off on Twitter, where she has been stewing and bitching most shrillfully about the 2016 election and the 2020 election and any terrible similarities thereof and thereupon and therefore and thereto, we present a collection of videos of Elizabeth Warren yelling at big banks and calling for them to be broken up and their criminal operators to go to jail. Puppies and kittens will only get you so far, after all.

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