GOP Sen. John Kennedy Mad Enough About COVID School Closings To Say A Cuss!


Schools were germ factories before the COVID-19 pandemic, but Republicans seem to think they can transform into John Travolta's plastic bubble in just a couple months. Democrats are more cautious about exposing children and teachers to the coronavirus, or maybe they just want to rain on Donald Trump's re-election parade. It's hard for science-denying conspiracy theorists to tell the difference.

Sean Hannity, who presides over the least racist hour in the Fox News primetime lineup, was hopping mad Monday night. He accused House Speaker Nancy Pelosi of “politicizing" the issue of schools reopening and launching “baseless smears" (his least favorite type of smear) against the Trump administration. He the railed against the second-most powerful woman in government, Joy Behar from "The View." She hurt Hannity's feeling when she suggested Republicans don't “care about education." (He refused to show a clip of Pelosi but aired close to a minute of "The View" throwdown.)

Hannity brought on Louisiana GOP Senator John Kennedy to discuss the news that Los Angeles and San Diego counties would move to full distance learning this fall. Why should Kennedy care what people do in California, with all their vegan sodomy? It's none of his business.

HANNITY: I'm reading a lot about what's happening in Europe, but I'm not a doctor. What are your thoughts?

John Kennedy is also not a doctor, sir. This is going to be a medically illiterate discussion.

KENNEDY: America's going through a rough patch now, Sean. Some people seem to be enjoying it.

No one is enjoying this, you ghoul. Apparently, Hannity is OK with airing “baseless smears" if they come from Republicans.

07 13 20 Kennedy discusses reopening schools with Fox News's Sean Hannity

KENNEDY: Maybe they just hate America. Maybe they just enjoy watching the world burn.

No, that's the Joker.

KENNEDY: I think some are liking the chaos because they think it gives them a political advantage.

Or maybe they don't want children and teachers to die. Non-sociopathic motivations are tough to fathom when you're a Republican but they do exist.

KENNEDY: Part of that chaos is coming from our schools closing. For our kids, we need to open them.

Pretending everything's fine won't make the coronavirus go away. It will, however, make potentially thousands of children and teachers go away permanently.

KENNEDY: For many of these kids, keeping these schools closed is going to hurt them far worse than the coronavirus can.

The school buildings are closed. The schools aren't. Hey, remember when Education Secretary Betsy Devos claimed we don't "invest in buildings, but students"? The teachers and administrators are busting their asses to make distance learning as effective as possible. But even if we put kids in front of an Xbox or a PlayStation or whatever it is kids do until there's a vaccine, the damage would be far less than children and teachers dying. I know this because I know death is bad. I took a few philosophy courses in college.

KENNEDY: France, Germany, Denmark, Australia, even Vietnam has opened their schools, and they've done it safely. And we can, too!

America has exponentially more confirmed cases than those countries, most of which aren't run by “wind-up chattering teeth in a Klan hood." When hurricanes hit Louisiana, you don't refuse to close the schools because Oregon's are still open ... or maybe Kennedy would. He's not a smart man. (Except that he went to OXFORD, for God's sake. So it's worth considering how much of this shit is an act. Maybe he's just a good test-taker.)

Kennedy conceded that some people in “good faith" disagree with him, but insisted there are others who want to keep kids at home, torturing their parents, and teachers at home, torturing their spouses, because it'll give them a “political advantage." (Yes, California keeping schools online only during the fall will guarantee that Trump doesn't carry the state.)

KENNEDY: They're using our kids, as political pawns! And to them I say, unashamedly, they can kiss my ass! That's wrong.


Unfortunately, Kennedy is not the only prominent dummy in government. Larry Kudlow, White House economic adviser, also thinks kids should “just go back to school!"

KUDLOW: I just don't see why they can't reopen with safety guidelines.

Defining and implementing those guidelines could reasonably take the rest of the year. The changes necessary for a safe environment can't happen overnight or even in six weeks.

KUDLOW: They have to wear masks or face coverings ... personal hygiene ... distancing.

How do you ensure all students, regardless of background, have access to (clean) masks? How do teachers ensure that children are wearing the masks correctly while maintaining social distance?

KUDLOW: Lots and lots of testing, which is available.

Tests aren't readily available and some states have extensive delays in getting results.

KUDLOW: If you follow that, I think there's no reason K-12 can't reopen or even the colleges.

What the hell is he talking about?

KUDLOW: C'mon! It's not that hard!

It is that hard.

Republicans have adamantly refused to pass sensible gun legislation that could prevent school shootings, but I didn't think they'd stoop so low as to send kids into a school with a highly contagious proverbial gunman inside. They never fail to live down to expectations.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes reviews for the A.V. Club and make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


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