John Boehner Quitting Congress To Spend More Time Crying Into His Wine Glass

Pour one out for House Speaker John Boehner because -- BREAKING! -- he has announced to his Republican colleagues in the House that he is pulling a Palin and quitting his job. (But wait, on second thought, please don't pour one out. No reason to waste good booze.) Here is the full statement from his office:

Speaker Boehner believes that the first job of any Speaker is to protect this institution and, as we saw yesterday with the Holy Father, it is the one thing that unites and inspires us all.

The Speaker's plan was to serve only through the end of the year. Leader Cantor's loss in his primary changed that calculation.

The Speaker believes putting members through prolonged leadership turmoil would do irreparable damage to the institution.

He is proud of what this majority has accomplished, and his Speakership, but for the good of the Republican Conference and the institution, he will resign the Speakership and his seat in Congress, effective October 30.

Shorter Boehner's office: He is sick to death of all those nihilist teabagger nutjobs he and his party courted, who, it turns out, are fuckbug CRAZY! And since they keep demanding that he shut down the whole government over whatever outrage they woke up thinking about that day, he has decided it's not worth it. Also, he really misses his friend Eric Cantor. SAD FACE.

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But why does Boehner have to resign from Congress? He couldn't simply hand over the speaker's gavel to Ted Cruz, the real boss of him, and go back to being a lowly commoner in the House of Representatives? Perhaps there is more! Let us speculate, irresponsibly:

Is there a sex scandal?

Republican speakers of the House have a long history of taking this job and shoving it for SEX SCANDAL reasons. Is Boehner secretly banging Callista Gingrich, aka the third Mrs. Newt? And if so, is he doing it because of how much he loves America?

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That might be it!

It's probably a sex scandal.

Remember that time, after Newt Gingrich handed over his speaker's gavel because of how he had bet on impeaching President Clinton's penis, and he lost that bet real hard, and the Republicans were like, "Oh hey, what about this guy Rep. Bob Livingston, he would be a good speaker of us, yeah?" But then, before he could even touch the gavel, Livingston up and quit because it turned out that, despite being a ferocious critic of Clinton's blowjob, Livingston's penis had also been doing the adulterous nasty. Oops. Disgrace! Buh-bye, almost-but-not-quite Speaker Livingston.

How could it not be a sex scandal?

Remember who got to grab that gavel with his sausage fingers after Livingston disappeared? Why, it was Denny Hastert. Shit Jesus, John Boehner, please tell us you are not resigning before the whole world finds out you've been paying blackmail hush money to some guy you molested when he was a kid. Please.

But could John Boehner's whiskey dick even DO a sex scandal?

Maybe Boehner has looked at the numbers. You know, the numbers that show how much everyone in America, including in his own Republican Party, thinks he sucks monkey balls. Really, nobody likes him:

But wait, Boehner hates numbers. And math. And looking at things. That's probably not it.

Or maybe he just wants to play with his monkey

Sure, we could buy Boehner's statement that he's going back to O-hi-o simply for the good of the party. But that is boring and lame, and Boehner is a selfish bastard who has never seemed to care all that much about the good of his party so much as the good of his own comfy speaker's seat in Congress. Which is at risk of getting stoled right out from under him because of how his mild attempts to be slightly less crazy have made the Republican caucus MAD, BRO. They want FULL CRAZY, not this half-hearted nonsense. They keep saying mean things about him all the time, and we know how he is such a crybaby:

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  • Like that time he cried about he was born the son of a poor barkeep, but now look at him, all accomplished n stuff. Sob.
  • And that time he cried when he received the Henry Hyde Defender of Life Award, for not having any abortions on his vagina. Weep.
  • And that time he cried on election night in 2010, because talkin' ’bout America really chokes him up. Sniff sniff.
  • And that time he cried about Australia, for some reason.
  • And that time he cried at the Taco Bell Foundation for Teens shindig, because teens. Or maybe because hot sauce.
  • And that time he cried after Nancy Pelosi called him a fucking crybaby, for crying all the time, and good god, she certainly doesn't cry all the time like that, because she has a job to do and there aren't enough hours in the day to cry as much as Boehner does, GOOD GAWD. (OK, we don't know if that actually made him cry, but we'd assume so.)
  • And oh, LOL, that time he cried on the pope! It was Thursday!

Poor guy is probably dehydrated and needs to go home and drink up.

Or maybe there is another reason we have yet to consider. Please feel free to speculate wildly in the comments, which we do not allow.

[Boehner's statement]


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