John Fetterman Wants Everyone To Know He Is Fine And Dr. Oz Is Tool

National Politics
John Fetterman Wants Everyone To Know He Is Fine And Dr. Oz Is Tool

Recently, Ben Shapiro was doing that thing he does where his whole entire body turns red, like a bull in a cartoon, and smoke comes out his ears, like a bull in a cartoon, and he runs and runs toward the matador — like a bull in a cartoon, obviously — because he is mad about a thing:


And of course, he ran through the matador's cape right directly off a cliff. Like in a cartoon. Like he so often does.

The entire joke of Pennsylvania's US Senate race is that Democratic nominee John Fetterman had a stroke and he is still just fucking pants-ing the shitfire out of his Republican opponent Dr. Mehmet Oz. Really, it's quite embarrassing and it is completely typical of Ben Shapiro to so gratuitously misread the room that he doesn't understand how embarrassing it is.

But anyway, John Fetterman has just done his first interview since stroke, with the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, and he'd like to assure everybody he is fine and will be back on the campaign trail to pants the shitfire out of Dr. Oz live and in person very soon.


Highlights:

1. He's "feeling really good."

2. He has "nothing to hide." (Not even what state he really lives in! Haha Wonkette make joke.)

3. He has "no physical limits."

4. He walks like five miles a day.

Wonkette is curious how many miles Dr. Oz walks every day, and if he started walking from his real house in New Jersey how many days it would take to get to his destination of Pennsylvania.

Anyway, these are Fetterman's struggles:

He struggles with hearing sometimes, he said, and may “miss a word” or “slur two together,” but he said it doesn’t happen often and that he’s working with a speech therapist.

It was a video interview, and the campaign full-disclosured that Fetterman used closed captioning in the interview just to make sure everything was exactly perfect, but otherwise he's fine.

He said doctors support his decision to return to the campaign trail.

“I would never be in this if we were not absolutely, 100% able to run fully and to win — and we believe that we are,” Mr. Fetterman said.

And he's starting with some fundraising in Philly next week!

But while he's still at home ...


FUCK.

That was afterthis Wonkette post went up, which was today. Oz just keeps digging deeper and deeper, and Fetterman just pantses him again and again and again.

Jezebel is keeping a running list of all Fetterman's best burns on Oz. They're having to update it frequently. Hell, this was only two days ago:


Fuck.

OPEN THREAD.

[Pittsburgh Post-Gazette]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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