John Kasich Detects Some Flaws In His Jihad For Jesus Plan (But He's Still For It)

We don't think that's where the idea came from, actually

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The governor from Ohio, who enjoys rolling his eyes at his fellow Republican presidential candidates because they are nutty but he is reasonable, introduced a terrific plan this week to Fight the War on Terra: convert the heathens to Judeo-Christianity, which, FUN FACT, is not actually a thing.

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Sure, it was lifted right out of the Middle Ages, but after he was scolded by Holy Warrior Lindsey Graham, he came to his "moderate" senses -- haha, silly John Boy, of course declaring a modern-day Crusade against the Thems is a terrible idea, what in the wild wild west was he thinking, even? -- and called the whole thing off. But did he though?

One day after urging the creation of a federal agency to promote “core Judeo-Christian, Western values,” Republican presidential candidate John Kasich said on Wednesday he instead would upgrade the existing Voice of America to “engage in the war of ideas” against Islamic State.

OK, genius. The problem with creating a new Big Government agency to teach the Thems how to love Jesus just so is not the Big Government part. It's the unconstitutional, undemocratic, immoral, ineffective, and JUST PLAIN WRONG idea that if we bomb the crap out of countries and then hand out some Bibles, that will work out good for us. It doesn't matter whether such a dumb stupid WTF policy is executed through a shiny new Department of Crusading or through an old program we once used to beat the Soviet Union by screaming "Under God" in their commie faces. The plan is double-stuffed full of FAIL. Also? It makes America look like a bunch of religious radical extremist dickbags, which supposedly is the very thing we are trying to prove we are better than. Thus far, pretty unsuccessfully.

Kasich further elaborated on why converting people in the inferior parts of the world is such a swell idea:

We represent the Western ethic, Western values ... We’re talking fundamentally about freedom of speech, freedom of the press, freedom of religion, the ability to gather to address our grievances, the equality of women.

Pardon us while we choke on our own vomit at Kasich's claim that "we" are best suited to teach Them about, for example the equality of women. We are not saying Kasich is JUST LIKE Al Qaeda. Or ISIS. Or Hitler. Or, worst of all, Obummer! But Kasich is perhaps not the best American spokesman for how "we" love women and free speech. Unless denying women the right to a legal medical procedure -- or to even be informed, with free speech (!!!), that such a right exists -- is what Kasich considers good western Judeo-Christian ethics that the rest of the world needs to learn about. Or maybe he just wants to teach them how to keep their "hot" wives at home, where they belong, doing his laundry.

While Kasich employed that old (but not that old; circa 1950, really) rhetorical trick to promote Christian supremacy by pretending the Jews are in on it too, we'd like to point out that Judeo-ism is not actually a western value and that Kasich might want to lay his eyes upon a map sometime to see Where Did Jewishes Come From. (Spoiler: It's not Ohio.)

If Mr. Oh-So-Moderate Kasich wants to get in on the crazy that is all the rage with his party right now, we suggest he stick to his personal brand of Slate pitches, like suggesting climate change is real.

[Columbus Dispatch]


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