John Kasich Will Underpants Gnome His Way To GOP Nomination, You'll See

He's coming for Trump, you bet.

[contextly_sidebar id="cc6d4Pare3xA1XTpGD3XWh4VH8oup0xu"]John Kasich is a man with a (bad) plan to (not) win the Republican primary, y'all. He knows you don't actually have to win the primary to Win The Primary. See, if Donald Trump doesn't reach the 1,237 delegate threshold required to automatically become the GOP's newest Celebrity Apprentice, Kasich gets to go to a brokered convention and charm all the Republican establishment gentlemen with his moderate tendencies, and maybe if he shows a little leg and puts a little pelvis in it, they will pick him maybe?

[contextly_sidebar id="CreyK1hCsb9t3A4PhZpmprChCBZwlGyW"]But he hasn't won ANYTHING, so da fuck is he smoking anyway? Oh ye who have little faith in KASICH-MENTUM. See, he has a shot at winning his home state of Ohio, which is winner-take-all. He's tied with Trump in the latest poll! It's probably because that sweet boy Marco Rubio told all (?) his Ohio supporter(s) to vote for Kasich, we bet that's why.

Can a victory in his home state on Tuesday change all [Kasich's violent suckage]?

The irrepressible Kasich believes it can. “I just had to be patient,” he said aboard his campaign bus en route to Cleveland on Saturday evening. He added, “I think [if] we win Tuesday, it’s a whole new ballgame.” Victory over Trump, he said, would show that “the emperor has no clothes.”

“When we beat him,” Kasich said, “the shield is broken.”

Broken shields and naked emperors, oh my! We bet Donald J. Trump is quaking in his diamond-encrusted slippers!

Of course, the Washington Post has to be mean and drop a dookie in Kasich's Grape Nuts, pointing out that even if he won EVERY SINGLE REMAINING DELEGATE, he still would be facing a "brutal floor fight with Trump and Cruz." Oh and also:

No one has won the nomination in the modern era following the path that Kasich is on.

Aw nuts.

[contextly_sidebar id="43OZCByawzwY7KfN0ftcOwPZTQVcctz9"]But Kasich is up for the fight! Gone are the days of Mr. Huggybear the Moderate who will win by being the happy-go-lucky Mr. Rogers of the Republican primary. After Friday night's Chicago Trump protests, Kasich is ready to rip off his dad sweater and tell everybody what he really thinks of that racism-ing rabble-rousing whippersnapper Donald Trump and his violent rallies and his rude bad words-y mouth:

He said the “seeds of division” planted by Trump “finally bore fruit and it was ugly.”

“I get to the point where I said I’ve kind of had enough, I’m going to have to talk, going to have to say some things,” he said in the interview. “Well I watched that and I didn’t like it, and this has been boiling in me for a while. . . . Right now I’m comfortable in what I’ve said. I’m comfortable in what I’ve said. But we’ll see.”

[contextly_sidebar id="sV24wcftDrcs79W8oZ5F1pNUtqw7W0bj"]Oh fuck, John Kasich is totally aboil about Trump's rallies and he will have to see what he'd like to say about such things in the future, as God is his witness! Last time he was asked, though, whether he'd support Trump as the nominee, he said "Yeah," so he's had enough to be mad, but not enough to refuse to support the guy.

Of course Kasich's "Win Ohio ... ??? ... Profit!" plan to win the nomination is still far from rock solid. Marco Rubio, loser that he is, could end up throwing a salted dick into the spokes of Kasich's wheels in neighboring Pennsylvania. You see, Rubio's supporter(s) in Pennsylvania (???) filed a lawsuit saying Kasich didn't even get enough signatures to be on the ballot in that state's April 26 primary. Kasich spokesman Rob Nichols says DID TOO SO! and also fuck off, Little Marco:

"What is far from certain is whether Senator Rubio will even continue to be a candidate for president by the time this is resolved in our favor next week," Nichols said.

Nichols argued that the campaign turned in 2,184 signatures to Pennsylvania Secretary of State Pedro Cortes, who certified the submission. "If it's good enough for him, it's good enough for us," Nichols said.

HUM! Well we guess we'll be waiting with bated breath on Tuesday to see how Kasich does in Ohio, because if he wins one state, the one he happens to govern, that will be a GAME-CHANGER. (Meh.) On the other hand, if Trump wins Ohio, it's definitely over for Kasich, and he'll probably have to go suck dick on the side of the highway (allegedly) with the other losers like Jeb Bush, Ben Carson and (soon!) Marco Rubio.

[Washington Post / Bloomberg]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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