John McCain: Poker? He Doesn't Even ... Oh Never Mind
Remember that time John McCain went on all the teevees to yell about how we really needed to be having some very important classified meetings about BENGHAZI!!!!11!!1, at the exact same time some very important classified meetings about BENGHAZI!!!!!11!!1 were actually happening? Well, fool him once, won't get fooled again, because this time he actually showed up by God, just don't think that that meant he was going to, like, pay attention or something. Syria what now? Please, John McCain has gotten himself one of them crazy iphone thingies and man, there is POKER on there, and who cares about Syria any way????
That's one way to flush out a joker.
While President Obama’s top aides were gambling the Senate Foreign Relations Committee would back a military strike on Syria, Sen. John McCain was playing poker on his iPhone.
The Arizona Republican, who has pushed hard for the United States to take military action, appeared more interested in making straights than listening to Secretary of State Kerry make the case for punishing Syrian despot Bashar Assad.
Look, we are tired of all this heavy talk about talking about Syria and the possible upcoming war with Syria and so is John McCain! We should actually be thanking John McCain, because if there is one thing this Syrian conflict needed, it was some hilarious poker metaphors!
As Secretary of State John Kerry led the very important, high stakes Senate hearings on what are we gonna do about all of the ????? going on in Syria, there was "more focused on five-card stud than Syria’s stash of Scud missiles" John McCain straight-flushing the rest of his negligible remaining credibility, just flopping on his iphone, which we are not even allowed to do during dinner. But whatever, this was not dinner, this was just botox-bluff-face John Kerry boringly blabbing to a full house:
This is not the time for armchair isolationism,” an impassioned Kerry told the committee Tuesday. This is not the time to be spectators to a slaughter . . . We have spoken up against unspeakable horror. Now we must stand up and act.
Yeah well, thanks John Kerry, but John McCain does not even want to be a spectator to your stupid hearing, okay? He has very important poker to play, and you are boring and John McCain is over it already. He told everybody giving him shit for being that penis-sketching kid in the back of the classroom who doesn't know what the fuck is going on when it's his turn to talk, “that as much as I like to listen in rapt attention, occasionally I get a wee bit bored.” And plus we are sure that John McCain is very good at phone-poker?
Haha, no John McCain is a big loser and no better at poker than he is at flying planes, staying out of billion dollar Keating Five scandals, or choosing vice presidential running mates . And 3+ hours is forever when you are old as John McCain and should probably already be dead by now.
And now after half-ass bluffing his way through not even pretending to listen at the hearing at all, John McCain has tipped his hand, and decided that whatever they said at the meeting probably was not near enough to up the ante on Syria for him anyway, so he is gonna go ahead and fold on this dumb resolution. And we bet this is exactly why President Obama involved Congress in the first place. Seriously, fuck you John McCain.
The evidence can be arranged around the policy, if necessary.
Actually, for AZ residents this is considered good news. Not only did he manage to stay awake the whole time and not drool down the front of his shirt, he even managed to figure out how his phone works. Remember, this is the guy who had to be shown how to work his email. So we're gonna chalk this one up as 'making progress"