Is this your dad? Didn't think so.

Hola! Time for the opening arguments part of the impeachment trial of Donald John Trump.

Late last night after we went to bed, apparently there was some kind of dust-up where Jerry Nadler and the Democrats were tired of the constant lying and bullshit from Donald Trump's lying bullshit lawyers, and Trump assface lawyer Pat Cipollone acted like a real dick too, and Chief Justice John Roberts felt the need to "admonish" both sides like a common Chuck Todd and "remember [you] are addressing the world's greatest deliberative body." (Objection! Asserts facts not in evidence.) Roberts even pulled an olden-timey term out of the spare gavel he keeps inside his bottom (allegedly), and referenced a 1905 impeachment trial where a guy got in big trouble for "pettifogging."

For the record, this is all Jerry Nadler said that was supposedly so bad:

"Either you want the truth and you must permit the witnesses or you want a shameful cover-up. History will judge and so will the electorate," Nadler argued.

Whatever, that is just true.

Anyway, John Roberts is not our real dad and not your real dad either and he can't tell us what to do, so we will not be nice, and we'll continue calling Trump's lawyers the lying loser assholes they are, making jokes all the way about how they are booger-staining their careers for all eternity and will be remembered in the history books just like that, as booger-stains.

Also they are bad at TV.

Shall we watch the opening arguments together? Democrats start things off, for the next three days or so probably, after which Trump's lawyers will fill up to 12 hours of opening arguments by lying and yelling "PERFECT CALL!" or something. We don't envy their position, having to defend the world's stupidest criminal.


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1:00: Good afternoon! This will start late.

But while we are waiting, you should know that Donald Trump bragged at Davos today about how the House impeachment managers are doing bad (they are not) and you know why? Because Trump has the "materials" and they don't.

In other words, it's a cover-up and he's saying the quiet part loud again.

Meantime, Adam Schiff did a quick presser a few minutes ago and noted that last night they gave the Trump team the opportunity to have John Roberts, an impartial judge but also a super-Republican, to rule on the materiality of the witnesses they are asking for. Schiff noted that Team Trump rejected this out of hand not because they were worried Roberts wouldn't be impartial, but because they were worried he would.

Tells you everything you need to know.

1:08: Surprise, they are not starting that late. Here we go! The House managers begin their 24 hours ... NOW!

1:10: Adam Schiff begins. "In the beginning was a criminal idiot, and the criminal idiot was bad and should feel bad."

1:11: OK that was not his quote. It was this quote from Alexander Hamilton:

When a man unprincipled in private life desperate in his fortune, bold in his temper, possessed of considerable talents, having the advantage of military habits—despotic in his ordinary demeanour—known to have scoffed in private at the principles of liberty—when such a man is seen to mount the hobby horse of popularity—to join in the cry of danger to liberty—to take every opportunity of embarrassing the General Government & bringing it under suspicion—to flatter and fall in with all the non sense of the zealots of the day—It may justly be suspected that his object is to throw things into confusion that he may "ride the storm and direct the whirlwind."

Schiff's point is that the framers' created impeachment for precisely the kind of despotic shitstorm Donald Trump is.

1:16: Schiff begins with a 30,000-foot recounting of what Trump did:

1. Tried to force a nation to meddle in the 2020 election for his benefit (to help him steal another one).

2. When he got caught, he obstructed the investigation. (He obstructed it today!)

3. The country he extorted, Ukraine, is at war with Trump's BFF Russia, so the withholding of military aid/White House visits was to the benefit of his ally and America's adversary, Russia.

4. Oh yeah also he didn't even really want investigations into the Bidens and his Russian propaganda conspiracy theories about Ukraine meddling in 2016. He just wanted the announcement of them.

5. Did we mention that Russia's intel services are doing literally the exact same thing for him right now, to smear Biden to help Trump steal another one?

1:22: Schiff reminds us that over 15,000 Ukrainians have died in their war with Russia. This was the aid Trump was playing with for his own benefit.

1:25: SCHIFF: "The president's misconduct" cannot be judged "at the ballot box," because "we cannot be sure that the vote will be fairly won." BECAUSE THIS IS ABOUT HIM TRYING TO STEAL THE 2020 ELECTION.

1:27: Schiff notes that this is part of a criminal pattern for Russia. He solicited Russia's help in 2016 to hack Hillary's emails, RUSSIA IF YOU'RE LISTENING, and they fucking did it. That night.

He asked China to meddle for him, in public, recently, more than once. (Because people who are so detestable that they couldn't ever get a majority of Americans to vote for him if he was the last man on earth have to cheat in order to win. Like he did last time.)

1:32: Schiff giving the Senate compliments it doesn't deserve, considering how it is run by a political party that's basically turned into a criminal enterprise. Also says he understands that some senators will wish during this trial that they could do something besides this trial, well TOUGH SHIT, why don't you fill out a comment card, whiners.

1:38: Ooh, Adam Schiff used the word "evil" to refer to Donald Trump's evil democracy-destroying election-stealing crimes, uh oh, John Roberts gonna tell him he needs to be sweet!

1:41: Oh no, Adam Schiff is talking about the transcript, is he going to do another treason paraphrase???? All he has said is "I would like you to do us a favor, though," which was definitely in the READ TEH TREAJK;SDJKVSGDFJIAUTIP!

1:46: Schiff now extolling the courage of ALL the whistleblowers, like Marie Yovanovitch, whose service the entire Republican party shits on daily with the cover-ups they do for Trump.

1:51: SCHIFF: As you will see, the facts are not in dispute. The Trump lawyers have nothing. They don't even have a constitutional lawyer who will tell you with a straight face that you can't impeach a president for abuse of power. They just got some dillweed who represents sexual predators, and that guy ain't got no panties on.

Meanwhile on Fox News:

If this were going so well or if Trump was defensible at all, Fox News would be showing it.

1:55: Schiff begins the full narrative of what Trump did, beginning with his desire for an announcement of investigations from Ukraine, into the Bidens, and into his batshit conspiracy theories about Ukraine interfering in the 2016 election, a conspiracy theory Schiff notes came directly from Vladimir Putin 2017:

He then plays the clip of Fiona Hill saying to Devin Nunes's face that this is Russian propaganda.

1:58: SCHIFF: Trump begged Ukraine to help him steal the election one day after Robert Mueller testified on the "sweeping and systematic" Russian attack on the 2016 election. The very next day, Schiff emphasizes!

2:01: Schiff says READ TEH TJERKASJ;KCJFAIOSJTIPT because if you do, you will see how fucking little Donald Trump cares about "corruption." Still no treason paraphrases from Schiff, who is literally READING TEH AJS;DJFKAJIAPT.

2:05: The day after Trump's extortion phone call, Trump talked to Gordon Sondland on the phone, and diplomat David Holmes heard Trump beg for confirmation that Ukraine was going to do the investigations Trump asked Zelenskyy for the day before.

2:11: Schiff now moving into the importance of a White House meeting for Zelenskyy, what support that would confer on him. Lev Parnas referred to this in his Maddow interview as being even more important than the aid at that point and impeachment witnesses confirmed this.

And what did he have to do to get that? Announce the investigations Rudy Giuliani was pressuring him to do.

2:14: If you need a refresher on the "deliverable" Trump wanted in exchange for an Oval Office meeting and eventually White House aid, we wrote about it here. It is HOLY QUID PRO QUO. Gordon Sondland said it was HOLY QUID PRO QUO. John Bolton said it was a "drug deal."

Schiff uses this moment to remind everyone they need to hear from John Bolton, and also John Eisenberg, the NSA lawyer allegedly responsible for putting Trump's secret crime chats in the secret Bin Laden server that's meant for actual state secrets.

2:21: Schiff now going through the negotiations in August about The Statement Trump wanted from Ukraine, where Rudy Giuliani was ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY insistent that it didn't count if Ukraine just mentioned "corruption" or whatever, GOTTA SAY "BIDEN" AND EXONERATE RUSSIA FOR STEALING ELECTION FOR TRUMP!

On the left was a proposed draft from Ukraine, on the right was HAFTA SAY BIDEN AND RUSSIAN PROPAGANDA ABOUT UKRAINE!

And as Schiff notes, there still hasn't been a White House meeting, and they only got the aid because Trump got caught.

SCHIFF: Not only did the GAO find that the hold was illegal, the Defense Department thought it was too! Wanna shit on them, Trump lawyers?

2:39: Schiff going through the month of August, when Ukraine TOTALLY knew what was going on, that they were being extorted to announce investigations into the Bidens and the Clintons in exchange for military aid and a White House visit. His point is Ukraine is not stupid, stop acting like they are. He includes that time a Ukrainian official looked at Ambassador Volker and said "Don't do political investigations? You mean like the kind you're asking us to do into the Bidens and the Clintons?"

But then there was the (probably fake) phone call between Gordon Sondland and Trump where Trump said "NO QUID PRO QUO," so that obviously means he is innocent. But, you know, Sondland personally delivered the quid pro quo to Ukraine, so ... maybe Trump is NOT innocent?

2:43: Ambassador Bill Taylor to Gordon Sondland: "As I said on the phone, I think it's crazy to withhold security assistance for help with a political campaign." He said that in text, you know, just to have a record, for when the records come out. "Call me," said Sondland, by which he meant "NO TEXTY THE CRIMEY!" most likely.

2:50: Schiff references a recently uncovered email about how the holdup on the Ukraine aid was a "close hold," need to know information. If they were fighting "corruption," wouldn't they be proud of that? Why would it be a secret? No, they were doing crimes and they knew it.

What did Mick Mulvaney do? He confessed to the crimes. GET OVER IT!

2:54: SCHIFF: Won't that be great when you can't hold another president accountable, A DEMOCRAT ONE, who says "get over it"? You can't indict presidents, you can't even investigate them, according to Trump, won't that be awesome when President Sasha Obama colludes with France to steal an election from Queen Ivanka of the Americas?

2:57: Schiff ending his opening statement (we think) by reminding everybody what Trump did when he got caught.

3:01: All of Schiff's entreaties about "one person, one vote" and the sanctity of our elections and Americans choosing our own leaders is great, except for how the GOP is a crime syndicate now that knows it can't win nationwide without keeping Americans from voting and replacing them with meddling from hostile foreign actors.

3:08: Schiff's speech right now is stirring, and typical Schiff. He's talking about how us failing to hold Trump accountable is literally Russia's wet dream, not just because they worked to install him in office, but because their story for the world is "Russia might suck ass, but everybody else does too. Sure, we're corrupt as fuck, but nobody else is any better." Because they can't actually achieve good things on their own merits, because Russia is a failed state that is little more than a glorified gas station, as John McCain said. (We are adding to Schiff's words right now, obviously.)

To fail to hold Trump accountable for Russia-style autocratic crimes just proves Russia's viewpoint correct.

3:13: Schiff says he will be done YAPPIN' IT in about 10 minutes, so calm your nutsack, everyone.

3:21: Schiff ending his opening statement (SUPPOSABLY) by focusing on the obstruction. We don't need to tell you all of it, because you lived it!

3:24: Schiff (still) ending his opening statement (SUPPOSABLY) with the words of Thomas Paine, just like he started his statement with the words of a history superstar:

THESE are the times that try men's souls. The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country; but he that stands by it now, deserves the love and thanks of man and woman.

Man and woman and NON-BINARY, Paine would have written if he was #woke.

We need a break. So does Adam Schiff, because he keeps drinking water like a common Marco Rubio.

3:29: And he is finished! He finished (SUPPOSABLY) with a quote from Benjamin Franklin about a "republic if you can keep it," and said if you don't do a fair trial, you are shitting on our "republic if you can keep it," YOU ASSHOLE REPUBLICANS.

The end!

(Until 30 minutes from now, POTTY BREAK!)

3:58: We are back! And the break ended on time!

Anyway, it is Jerry Nadler's turn, it will be good and not snoozy at all ZZZZZZZZ.

4:03: NADLER: Trump went to "extraordinary lengths" to cheat in the 2020 election. Nadler is presenting the story of the smear campaign against Marie Yovanovitch, who stood in the way of getting corrupt Ukrainians to investigate Biden for Trump, and her power-abusing firing.

4:09: NADLER: Hey, you guys, let's talk about Rudy Giuliani's indicted friends Lev and Igor, who helped him carry out his pressure scheme against Yovanovitch, because she, who fights corruption, pisses off all these corrupt people around Donald Trump, who is also corrupt!

4:18: Oh, we guess we are going to switch back and forth a lot to keep people's attention now. Sylvia Garcia is up!

Meanwhile outside the Senate chamber:

Have a nice "comfort break" while you destroy democracy, guys.

4:28: Remember when John Cornyn was like "DURRRRRR I don't think Rudy Giuliani and Lev have anything to do with this"? Funny how Sylvia Garcia's entire presentation is about Rudy and Lev directing the criminal scheme to pressure Ukraine for investigations.

4:40: We are sorta in one of those phases where we are kinda just monitoring what happens, to see if something CRAZY happens. Mostly they are telling the story in exhaustive detail. It is now Jason Crow, who was hot fire yesterday when he argued for the House managers.

4:47: Oh good, Jason Crow is doing geography/history lessons, not for the senators, but for the people at home, and talking about the reality of Russia's war on Ukraine, including the part about how what Russia is really trying to do here is try to take over the former states of the Soviet Union.

4:54: CROW: Isn't it WEIRD how we do military/foreign aid to tons of countries, but the only place Trump is so allegedly worried about "corruption" is Ukraine? Isn't it WEIRD how this money had already been certified, as in Defense had already signed off and said "Yep, we are comfortable with corruption concerns and that this money will be spent correctly"? Isn't all that WEIRD?

In other words, Ukraine "has taken substantial actions to make defense institutional reforms for the purposes" of dealing with corruption, according to Trump's Defense Department.

5:04: Crow just pointing out that all the emails he's showing right now -- showing the Defense Department freaked out about various aspects of Trump's aid hold and Mick Mulvaney freaking out and trying to cover ass -- didn't come out because the White House gave them up, but because of FOIA lawsuits and journalism. MAYBE you should "demand to see the full record," SENATE.

Democrats are not going to shut up about this, and that is a good thing.

5:13: Here is a weird email from Michael Duffey, the Trump political appointee who weirdly bogarted control of Ukraine aid at OMB, to Mark Sandy, whose job it actually was to deal with that aid, and others. Funny how he's like "SHHHH DON'T TALK ABOUT THIS PERFECTLY GOOD AND NORMAL THING!"

5:21: IMPORTANT REMINDER: Laura Cooper testified that her office at Defense got an inquiry from Ukraine on July 25th about WTF WITH OUR AID. You know, for every time Republicans are like "HOW CAN TRUMP DO BAD AID HOLD WHEN YOUKRAIN DINNOT EVEN KNOW???? HUNNHHHH??????? HENNNNNNNGGGHHHH?" (That is what Republicans say.)

5:25: Crow plays video of Ambassador Bill Taylor talking about visiting the front lines in Ukraine and being thanked for the military aid by a commander who trusted America, and did not know, as Taylor did, that Trump was holding up the aid to get personal political favors from Ukraine. He concludes by saying he knows the Senate gives a fuck about this aid too, because 87 of them voted to support it, after which Trump held up that aid Congress appropriated to get personal political favors from Ukraine.

By our math, that means 87 senators should vote to convict Trump and remove him from office, we are just saying.

5:33: Val Demings is on. Her job is to talk about how EVERYBODY knew Trump and Giuliani's constant pressure/extortion/begging for quid pro quo investigations of the Bidens went by the code name "Burisma," and that Trump did not give a shit about some random-ass Ukrainian gas company, fuck, please.

5:38: DEMINGS: Hey, did you hear Bolton called it a "drug deal"? Wanna watch Fiona Hill say it again? DRUG DEAL DRUG DEAL DRUG DEAL! Lemme say it again DRUG DEAL.

Don't you want to talk to him? I am a former VAL DEMINGS IS A COP and if somebody said DRUG DEAL to me I'd be like "I think I should investigate that drug deal John Bolton didn't want to be a part of!"

Why do you like drug deals so much, Republicans, are you married to them or something?

In summary, Val Demings is great.

5:41: DEMINGS: Oh you want to watch the Gordon Sondland "everyone was in the loop" video again? I brought that one with me! We can watch it and then I'll say "If EVERYONE was in the loop, that means MICK MULVANEY was in the loop, and by LOOP I mean DRUG DEAL and don't you want to talk to Mulvaney and Bolton about the loop they were in AKA the drug deal?"

5:49: Demings also has this handy graphic with all the witness testimonies confirming a quid pro quo between Trump and Ukraine to help him steal the 2020 election:

None of them are even Gordon Sondland, who said NO QUID PRO QUO before he said ACTUALLY QUID PRO QUO LOL.

They are Bill Taylor, David Holmes and Fiona Hill!

5:55: Uh oh, Hakeem Jeffries is going to talk about the July 25 Trump treason call, hope Hakeem Jeffries didn't get bad influenced by Adam Schiff into treason paraphrasing it :(

6:04: Jeffries is also going through Trump's constant parroting of Putin's propaganda, both on the treason call with Zelenskyy as one of his demands, but all the other times too!

Here is a very recent time Vlad expressed his appreciation for all the American Republicans spreading Russian propaganda about who attacked the 2016 election:

6:11: Oooooh, Hakeem Jeffries called Rudy Giuliani a "cold-blooded political operative," John Roberts is gonna smack him on his fanny with a ruler for being uncouth!

6:17: Man, Jeffries is literally diagramming the treason call READ THE TRANSDFAFJSK;DJKFRJAERTIP! like an English teacher, making special lines for the nouns, the verbs, and the crimes. Like when Trump said Marie Yovanovitch was going to "go through some things," which is still ominous as fuck, especially coming from a thin-skinned man-baby piece of shit like Trump.

Jeffries played the clip of Yovanovitch responding to that part of the call, and this seems like a good time to remind you that there is evidence in Lev Parnas's documents that maybe somebody had Yovanovitch under surveillance before she was told to get out of UKraine on the next plane over concerns for her safety.

6:21: Woooooooow, there was somehow a protester what got into the SENATE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL and we can STILL HEAR IT YELLING.

Still hear it yelling.

Still hear it yelling.

...

Yep, still hear it yelling.

So that was weird.

Hakeem Jeffries just went back to READ THE TREANSAERTUIASDT, don't worry.

6:25: Don't worry, though, Jeffries #DidABible first:

6:33: FYI, as soon as Jeffries is done, they are probably going to go to "dinner" for "30 minutes." We may hand off to Rebecca for a bit so we can go work out or something, and then we will come check on ya later!

Or maybe something different will happen!

Sorry we are not giving you every detail Hakeem Jeffries says about the "perfect call," WE HAVE WRITTEN ABOUT 150,000 WORDS ABOUT IT AT THIS POINT.

But Jeffries is right right now, you do not do the following things in a "perfect call":

1. hit up foreign leader for electoral reacharounds

2. tell them to talk to a human hand grenade like Rudy Giuliani

3. threaten the recently former ambassador to Ukraine you just fired because she was in the way of Rudy Giuliani's corrupt work for you

4. abuse your power

And so on. Dinnering Time!

7:01: Ted Cruz, whose wife Donald Trump called a big ugly stinky person on Twitter, now says we MUST get testimony from Hunter Biden, because obviously today has been all about Hunter Biden.

7:04: Claire McCaskill on MSNBC: Um yeah, so Ted Cruz is REALLY GOOD at demanding things, not so great at getting things ...

7:10: Totally agree with this right here.

Because, you see, that is what Ted Cruz is trying to do here, because Schumer has said irrelevant witnesses that are the center of Russo-Republican conspiracy theories are off the table.

But sure. Put Hunter Biden up there and let him give confused "stranger danger, mommy!" face to the Republicans yelling loud questions at him while they spread peanut butter on their balls. It will make for great TV.

Then we get Bolton and Mulvaney and the rest.

7:21: And we are back! And Adam Schiff (SUPPOSABLY) says they are going to do about 2.5 hours tonight and then will be done. It will go him, Zoe Lofgren, then him again.

7:26: Schiff is going through more tick-tock of the negotiations between Rudy Giuliani, the Three Amigos (Perry, Volker, Sondland) and the Ukrainians over getting their precccccccious "deliverable," i.e. the announcement of investigations into the Bidens in exchange for a White House visit. This would be mostly during the summer.

If you need a refresher, this Wonkette post on those State Department texts might be helpful!

7:36: For serious, everything Adam Schiff is talking about right now, about the "deliverable" Trump wanted from Ukraine, is in this Wonkette post we wrote all by ourselves. READ IT.

7:43: One thing Schiff is talking about that is SO IMPORTANT is that Ukraine is not stupid. They knew Trump wanted these specific announcements of Biden investigations, but that if he REALLY cared about fighting "corruption," he would be fine with a general but tough statement about fighting corruption. And they knew what Trump was asking was MORALLY AND GEOPOLITICALLY WRONG AND STUPID.

Zelenskyy fuckin' ran as a reformer, an outsider, who would really truly come in and clean up Ukraine. And here's Trump trying to force him directly into the cesspool of corruption. They tried SO HARD not to do that announcement.

But yet in September, they were prepared to go on CNN, even though they knew it was wrong, and do it. Thankfully, Trump got caught, and it was quickly canceled.

7:49: RE: Schiff saying that by the end of August, Ukraine was getting message that the announcement of investigations was required for EVERYTHING, as in all aid, White House visit, EVERYTHING, remember that Lev Parnas said that was the message from the beginning, going as far back as before Zelenskyy's inauguration. He even alleged that Pence canceled his trip to that inauguration because of that.

7:59: SCHIFF: I have a very important State Department cable to read to you right now OH WAIT I CAN'T. I have an idea, though! If you would like me to be able to read that cable to you tomorrow night as I cradle you in my arms and rock you to sleep -- yes you, Chuck Grassley! SNUGGA UP MY BOSOM! -- all you have to do is make a subpoena so we can get it!

Want to have John Bolton rock you to sleep inside his glorious mustache? Yes you, Lindsey Graham! You can sleep in his mustache fur all night if you want! Imagine the warmth! Make a subpoena.

8:15: This is just a really good presentation from Adam Schiff, about how fucking godawful it was for Trump to withhold military aid from Ukraine WHILE THEY ARE AT WAR WITH RUSSIA AND THAT IS ALL THEY WERE EVER ASKING ABOUT "WHERE IS OUR AID, WE ARE DYING RIGHT NOW."

And yet we are supposed to believe "no pressure." We wrote about that here and we are still mad about it.

And with that, we are tapping out to go work out. Get ready, it's Rebecca-Thirty!

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What's your name? IT'S REBECCA! Who's your daddy? HIS NAME IS JERRY! Is he rich? No! It's the time of the season for Schiiiiiiffff.

8:25 PM: Adam Schiff goes to the tape of Timothy Morrison, Who Took Notes (and I am guessing Schiff might ask if we want to SEE those notes!). You know what is fun? We thought the GOP lawyers in the House hearings were terrible! In the retrospect of watching Sekulow and Big Onion and for a mindblowing three minutes last night Pam Bondi, GOP lawyer Daniel Goldman looks like Inherit the Wind. (See 8:45 pm update below!!!)

8:40 PM: Schiff shows some texts I haven't seen before (maybe you have!) between Bill Taylor and Gordon Sondland. Taylor, expounding further on how dangerous it would be if Ukraine got hung out to dry after giving Trump his precious investigation announcement, tells Sondland, "I hope you're right." Hey I never claimed I was right, says Sondland because what's he going to do, be responsible for anything?

And here's something I REALLY haven't seen: After Taylor SPEAKS LOUDLY INTO THE MICROPHONE (his texts) about WHOA HEY holding aid for a private political matter is not optimal diplomat practices, and Sondland (Volker?) tells him HEY NOT INTO THE MICROPHONE, someone says, "how would you like to have them read that in Congress?" I would get a proper quote but SlingTV doesn't let you rewind :D

I wonder if any GOP senators are still in the room.

8:45 PM: Oh hey I just looked it up and Daniel Goldman was the HOUSE MAJORITY COUNSEL, not the GOP counsel. So that would explain why I was surprised that he was't terrible at lawyer. Because he is the one who was GOOD at lawyer. Being not a hairball bottom-of-the-drain Republican Trump lawyer. MY BAD!

8:50 PM: Zoe Lofgren is here to remind the Senate that the Senate was all up in Ukraine legislatively and with aid, surely they remember that? The Republicans too, besides probably Rand Paul and ok I guess 12 others.

You know, I miss the Republicans breaking in once an hour yesterday. The House impeachment managers would talk for an HOUR, with their twenty-seven eight-by-ten color glossy photographs with circles, and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one. And then the Trump lawyers would shout about a minute's worth of "Subpoenas? Those are illegal! So why didn't you do a subpoena!" Adam Schiff would pop out like a groundhog after each one: "FACTCHECK!" And then he would factcheck their hilariously dumb and beside-any-point shit in real time. It was like Popup Videos, back when those were fun! Anyway, Zoe Lofgren is talking about a letter.

9:00: DID YOU KNOW that if we think an American did CRIMES in a different nation, we have processes for asking that country's justice department "hey yo, check it?" That process DOES NOT involve the president getting on the yammerbox and telling some poor new president guy to put Joe Biden in a Thai jail.

Now Lofgren has some questions about Mike Pence. His nice aide Jennifer Williams was on the Trump/Zelenskyy call. She testified about it! She seemed very Republican and also disgusted! That may or may not be right on one or both counts!

Anyway, they put Mike Pence right there in the Bin Laden Vault. It's a big vault!

9:10 PM: Schiff is back to talk about WHISTLEBLOWER! Yesterday, Jay Sekulow followed an HOUR by a House Impeachment Manager with "WHAR WHISTLEBLOWER." That was it. That was his whole thing. It was stupid! Anyway, I'm sure Schiff Groundhog Popupped right then, but he's doing it now too. "HERE'S THE WHISTLEBLOWER LAW, ASSHOLE," is what he did not say.

9:20 PM: Schiff wants to know, hey, we ever heard of this schlub Giuliani? In fact we have! Schiff is showing some pathetic October 2019 vid of Trump by the helicopter doing one of the only press briefings his administration still does: occasionally shouting at the press over the chopper blades. In the video, Pathetic Trump was very eager to tell about "great crimefighter Giuliani" and how he would be making a report of the "great things he had found" to the AG and Congress. It is weird how that hasn't happened yet!

9:25 PM: Schiff taking us up through all the late-breaking news, since December to ... LAST NIGHT? When the OMB released many hundreds of pages of white paper with black bars on it.

I feel like Schiff is wrapping up, but who ever does know! IF HE IS, it is time for me to moneybeg you. Wonkette is professional people working (math) 15 hours a day this stupid week to keep you in analysis and news and actually knowing stuff about things, with no paywalls or ads, just your CONSCIENCE. Click the thing! Below!

If Schiff is not wrapping up ...

Schiff is totally not wrapping up. This is a timeline as done by Carole King, but LONGER than Chicken Soup With Rice.

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9:45 PM: John Roberts reads a notice about information that will be available but will not be available but will not be a part of the congressional record. Schumer and McConnell both wank off about how great the interns are, which puts me in mind of that (REPUBLICAN) House speaker who was actually wanking off on the pages, so I should have not said that probably. ADJOURNED!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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