Let’s All Dance On The Political Grave Of Confederate Monument Jeff Sessions

2020 Congressional Elections

Former Auburn head football coach Tommy Tuberville defeated current white supremacist troll doll Jeff Sessions in Tuesday's Alabama GOP Senate primary runoff. The shit wasn't even close. The race was called with just 32 percent of precincts reporting.

Tuberville is hot garbage like most Republicans these days. During his victory speech, he praised Donald Trump and accused incumbent Democratic Senator Doug Jones of trying to infest Alabama with "New York values, Chicago values, liberal Democrat values." Jones was born and raised in Alabama. Trump is from Queens and ran casinos in Atlantic City. Also Tuberville refers to abortion as "infanticide" and "this generation's holocaust." Like we said, hot garbage!

But let's not lose sight of the wonderful thing that happened last night: Jefferson Beauregard Sessions got his ass beat. His home state rejected him. That was his reward for embracing Trump.


Jeff Sessions speaks after losing to Tommy Tuberville in Republican runoff for Senate www.youtube.com

Sessions was as much a bigoted nativist as Trump. He led the charge against George W. Bush's 2007 attempt at immigration reform, calling it “no illegal alien left behind," because he's gross. As ranking member of the Senate Budget Committee in 2013, he worked to tank the so-called Gang of Eight's bipartisan immigration bill. He preferred "humble and honest populism," which comes across more like just full-on racism. Tucker Carlson has praised Sessions for his opposition to immigration. Carlson said Sessions “stood up against the mob" when “America's heritage was under attack." It's nice to see the young, up-and-coming white nationalists show their respect for the old racist masters.

Before he hopped onto the Trump train in 2016, Sessions was considered a "backbencher with fringe views and little influence" who would've likely died in the Senate, wrapped in the Confederate flag. When Ronald Reagan nominated him to the federal bench in 1986, Coretta Scott King wrote a letter explaining how he wasn't shit and that his confirmation would "irreparably damage the work of my husband," who was Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. A black assistant US attorney also testified during his confirmation hearing that Sessions had called him “boy." Sessions denied this, and I believe him. It's possible he called him "n-word." This shows you how super woke 1986 was. Sessions wouldn't have had to deny calling someone “boy" today, and Mitch McConnell could've gotten him confirmed as long as he was a member of the Federalist Society and had a valid current driver's license, or at least promised to get it renewed within 30 days.

While Sessions was too racist for the federal bench in 1986, he was just the right amount of racist to lead Trump's Justice Department 30 years later. Sessions brought Stephen Miller into the White House, and as Trump's first corrupt attorney general, he torched the Civil Rights Division like it was cross on a minority's lawn. According to Vanita Gupta, who led the Civil Rights Division during Barack Obama's second term, Sessions was especially dangerous because he "actually understood what the levers of power were to effect change."

Sessions ordered federal prosecutors to seek the maximum jail time possible for drug crimes and to even prosecute medical marijuana providers. He was a cheerleader for the Trump administration's policy of ripping migrant children from their parents, and has no regrets to this day. During a recent New York Times interview, Sessions mocked people with human souls:

[Sessions] recounted the outrage over his use of Scripture to defend border agents separating migrant children from their families, calling it "totally ridiculous." "I was right about that," he said. "I wish I'd fought it." Then, in a disturbing, guttural voice, he mocked much of the nation's reaction: "Nooooo, this is a poor child! They just want a job!"

Sessions lasted just a few Scaramuccis as attorney general before pissing off Trump by recusing himself from the Russia investigation. Trump turned on him quickly and permanently. It was like a fable where the serpent endorsed a scorpion for president, and the scorpion mocked the serpent on Twitter and made fun of his accent and baby height in front of his staff.

Sessions was fortunately hounded out of his dream job before everyone darker than Taylor Swift was in prison. Trump didn't let up on the Keebler Klansman, though, and openly opposed his return to his former job as senator. After Sessions's humiliating defeat last night, Trump gloated.

Then he gloated some more.

Sessions claimed (white) Christians supported Trump because they "felt they were under attack, and the strong guy promised to defend them. And he has." Trump has only ever cared about himself and never defended anyone unless it directly benefited him. Trump matched Sessions in evil, but it was inevitable he would betray him like he does everyone else when he determines they're no longer useful.

Like the Confederacy, Sessions was a lost cause. May he never rise again.

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[Montgomery Alabama / New York Times]

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).

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