Josh Duggar Can't Read This Post Because He's In Jesus Jail. Your Weekly Top Ten.

Sex bus.

Hey Wonkers, how is your Sunday? Just kidding, don't care, let's talk about ourselves. So last week there was, yet again, horrible, unspeakable tragedy, as two journalists were killed on air by a gunman with, surprise, a gun, and a lot of your top ten stories this week were about that. Also, Josh Duggar did some gnarly shit to a porn star and now he's in the Jesus Sex Pokey for Grosses. So that's in your top ten too. Weird week!

Before we get into ALL the top stories, though, we must remind you of the big WONKETTE SPECIAL NEWS from last week, about how yr Editrix bought a Winnebago for this here website! Isn't that exciting? That's a picture of it right there above, JUST KIDDING, we did not buy Sarah Palin's tour bus! Anyway, there will be many sexciting "activities" planned involving the Wonkebago, so stay tuned! If you missed the first Act Of Journalism committed with the Wonkebago, click here!

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ON THAT NOTE, let us now shake you down for cash. We love serving you up with hot sex jokes and also ethical journalism and blog-writing, in good weeks and bad, SOMETIMES IN WONKEBAGOS, and those are 'spensive. So please to give us $5, so we can keep doing bigger and better and Wonkier things, and also so yr Wonkers can eat food and live indoors. Wasn't that easy? Your moneys will pay for fun journalism-type things in the Wonkebago, and also maybe drinky things, and also all the whore diamonds for Kaili, Dok and Evan (writing at you in the third person right now). Don't you want them to have whore diamonds? YOU DO SO. Also, if the Wonkebago comes to your town, you might get to meet the Wonkette baby, wouldn't that be splendid? Well PONY UP!

Hey, I'm the Wonkette baby, I'm just hanging out here right after the paragraph about donations.

Okay, here are the top ten stories of the week, chosen as usual by science. Maybe you are reading them the first time. Maybe you read Wonkette posts over and over again because you are obsessed with us and want to sexxx us.

1. This week's top story truly deserves the top spot. After the senseless murders of Alison Parker and Adam Ward in Virginia, our Kaili wrote a post about the ways we at Wonkette would NOT be covering the tragedy. It's quite beautiful and you should read it.

2. And here's Josh Duggar, because of course here's Josh Duggar. So he's in the Jesus sex rehab, due to his "porn addiction" (or maybe meth, we don't know), and also he apparently has a thing for hiring porn stars and doing violent sex to them. He is the worst.

3. Fox News just KNOWS Barack Obama personally ordered a terrorist to get on that French train. Why isn't Obama doing more to keep European high speed trains safe????

4. Here is the original report on the murders in Virginia. Maybe one day news like that won't be so fucking common in the United States.

5. It took approximately seven seconds after the news broke for wingnuts to zero in on the fact that the alleged Virginia shooter was black. For them, that solved the case entirely. Obviously it was the beginning of the RACE WAR!!!11!! Obviously.

6. This week's number six slot goes to the Top Ten post from LAST WEEK! You guys really like top ten roundups, apparently! You should click on it, read all the stories from last week again, and when you get to the paragraph where we shake you down for money, you should get shook down and give us money.

7. Dok wrote a heartbreaking piece this week about all the ways the Second Amendment is preventing tyranny for Americans these days. SPOILER, it's not.

8. Bristol Palin says Barack Obama is the REAL lazy half-term Governor Quitterface grifter queen, so why is everybody always so mean to her mom?

9. That dumb jackhole Sen. Tom Cotton STILL seems to think he's president of Obama.

10. Dok wrote a crazy, special edition of Sundays With The Christianists last week about that one time his idiot brother brought salvation to Flagstaff, Arizona. It's a hell of a story, you should read it.

So there you go, Wonkers. Those are your winning stories. Read them to your mom or something!

Remember, we are also at your service on the Facebooks, the Twitters, and the Tumblrs! And have you heard of this new-ish thing, the Flipboard? It is so pretty! It pulls your Wonkette stories into beautiful sexxxy magazines for easy reading, and we are putting together collections, so you can enjoy, say, all your favorite Pat Robertson stories in one place, and like, such as. Here are a bunch of times Becca did mommyblogging! And here are a bunch of times Wonkette crammed food down your throat. Anyway, go to the Flipboard and poke around, because we said so, you'll want to gay marry it within an hour.

Oh and because why not, follow your individual Wonkettes on the Twitter, because that is a nice thing to do. We are at @KailiJoy, @DoktorZoom, @EvanHurst,  @shypixel, and @commiegirl1, which is your lovely Editrix.

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Then, you should sign up for the Wonkette newsletter, so that you can get a secret gay love note from your Wonkette every day! (Mostly.)

OH, and did you know you can buy sexy Wonkette apparel in the Wonkette online swag emporium? Yes you can! There are Bernie Sanders t-shirts and Bernie Sanders coffee cups, and also things with Elizabeth Warren and Joe Biden on them, and also panties with teeth. HILLARY CLINTON THINGS COMING SOON! For bigger-bodied Wonkers, we now have 4XL sizes on the Bernie t-shirt!

Again, your Wonkette loves you very much! If you missed your opportunity above, don’t even worry about doing hard stuff like scrolling up. You can just click THIS link and give us $5. Or you can give us more, because again, Wonkebagos are 'SPENSIVE.

All right, going to check out this new Mexican place for brunch, so go away.



Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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