Josh Duggar Can't Read This Post Because He's In Jesus Jail. Your Weekly Top Ten.
Hey Wonkers, how is your Sunday? Just kidding, don't care, let's talk about ourselves. So last week there was, yet again, horrible, unspeakable tragedy, as two journalists were killed on air by a gunman with, surprise, a gun, and a lot of your top ten stories this week were about that. Also, Josh Duggar did some gnarly shit to a porn star and now he's in the Jesus Sex Pokey for Grosses. So that's in your top ten too. Weird week!
Before we get into ALL the top stories, though, we must remind you of the big WONKETTE SPECIAL NEWS from last week, about how yr Editrix bought a Winnebago for this here website! Isn't that exciting? That's a picture of it right there above, JUST KIDDING, we did not buy Sarah Palin's tour bus! Anyway, there will be many sexciting "activities" planned involving the Wonkebago, so stay tuned! If you missed the first Act Of Journalism committed with the Wonkebago, click here!
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Okay, here are the top ten stories of the week, chosen as usual by science. Maybe you are reading them the first time. Maybe you read Wonkette posts over and over again because you are obsessed with us and want to sexxx us.
1. This week's top story truly deserves the top spot. After the senseless murders of Alison Parker and Adam Ward in Virginia, our Kaili wrote a post about the ways we at Wonkette would NOT be covering the tragedy. It's quite beautiful and you should read it.
2. And here's Josh Duggar, because of course here's Josh Duggar. So he's in the Jesus sex rehab, due to his "porn addiction" (or maybe meth, we don't know), and also he apparently has a thing for hiring porn stars and doing violent sex to them. He is the worst.
3. Fox News just KNOWS Barack Obama personally ordered a terrorist to get on that French train. Why isn't Obama doing more to keep European high speed trains safe????
4. Here is the original report on the murders in Virginia. Maybe one day news like that won't be so fucking common in the United States.
5. It took approximately seven seconds after the news broke for wingnuts to zero in on the fact that the alleged Virginia shooter was black. For them, that solved the case entirely. Obviously it was the beginning of the RACE WAR!!!11!! Obviously.
6. This week's number six slot goes to the Top Ten post from LAST WEEK! You guys really like top ten roundups, apparently! You should click on it, read all the stories from last week again, and when you get to the paragraph where we shake you down for money, you should get shook down and give us money.
7. Dok wrote a heartbreaking piece this week about all the ways the Second Amendment is preventing tyranny for Americans these days. SPOILER, it's not.
8. Bristol Palin says Barack Obama is the REAL lazy half-term Governor Quitterface grifter queen, so why is everybody always so mean to her mom?
9. That dumb jackhole Sen. Tom Cotton STILL seems to think he's president of Obama.
10. Dok wrote a crazy, special edition of Sundays With The Christianists last week about that one time his idiot brother brought salvation to Flagstaff, Arizona. It's a hell of a story, you should read it.
So there you go, Wonkers. Those are your winning stories. Read them to your mom or something!
Remember, we are also at your service on the Facebooks, the Twitters, and the Tumblrs! And have you heard of this new-ish thing, the Flipboard? It is so pretty! It pulls your Wonkette stories into beautiful sexxxy magazines for easy reading, and we are putting together collections, so you can enjoy, say, all your favorite Pat Robertson stories in one place, and like, such as. Here are a bunch of times Becca did mommyblogging! And here are a bunch of times Wonkette crammed food down your throat. Anyway, go to the Flipboard and poke around, because we said so, you'll want to gay marry it within an hour.
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All right, going to check out this new Mexican place for brunch, so go away.