Josh Duggar Not Sorry Satan Used His Jesus Peener For Evil
close that filthy mouth, perv boy
Oh boy oh boy OH BOY, it's been a million years since we've visited with our favorite molesty fundamentalist Christian sister-diddler Josh Duggar! We've been all distracted with this "American election" thing, but the good news is there is ACTUAL Josh Duggar news we can tell at you!
[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/586273/police-report-gross-josh-duggar-allegedly-admitted-molesting-his-own-sisters"></a>[/wonkbar]According to new reports -- from gossip sites, yes, but please remember that InTouch magazine was who broke the Duggar molestation scandal in the first place, so R-E-S-P-E-C-T -- Josh Duggar will be back on the teevee very soon, appearing in episodes of his sisters' show "Jill & Jessa: Counting On"! Isn't that the most wonderfulest news you never wanted to hear ever?
We may be seeing Josh Duggar on television again! Just a few months after the 28-year-old reality star finished his six-month rehab stint, it seems Josh has regained interest in the reality TV world. When his sisters Jill Duggar and Jessa Duggar kick off the second season of their show Jill & Jessa: Counting On, Josh may be involved — and from the sounds of it, his appearance will be one you won’t want to miss!
“Josh will appear on the next season of his sisters’ series,” a source told InTouch. “The plan is for him to address everything he’s done. What he has to say will be ratings gold, and TLC — and the Duggars — know it.”
[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/593339/josh-duggar-in-sex-rehab-again-because-check-out-what-he-did-to-this-porn-star"></a>[/wonkbar]Ooh, ratings gold! You know that TLC network, always in it for the right reasons. Josh will look solemnly at the camera with his boner, and he will say, "One time -- excuse me several times -- I did the sex things to my sisters, and I got sent to fake Jesus rehab, and it worked so good that I cheated on my wife with porn stars and stuff, and then I went to sex rehab again. Now my penis has been cleansed of all the bad devil jizz, and is pure as Jesus's silken mane. Would you like to see my Purified Jesus Penis?"
And then BOOM! we'll be in #ScandalTown again, because Josh will realize that "Would you like to see my Purified Jesus Penis?" is a really good pick-up line for the next time he decides to fall off his traditional Christian-married wagon into a pile of vaginas.
ANYWAY, it will be good for him to be on the television, because he will say he's very sorry for all the stuff he ...
“Josh will cover everything and he will maintain the family line that God has saved his soul and guided him back to the right path. But one thing you probably won’t hear is that he’s actually sorry, as he believes that external forces were to blame for his behavior.”
"External forces." That old stupid-ass fundamentalist Christian cop-out. THE DEVIL MADE HIM DO IT!
You see, in wingnut evangelical circles, they believe in something called Spiritual Warfare, which is happening right now, above and below your body! There are literal angels and demons doing battle in the ultimate war for your soul, and sometimes the angels win, and sometimes Satan burrows his evil way into the head of your penis and uses it for his God-hating desires. If only the angel had won that battle, Josh wouldn't have cheated on his wife and fingered half his family! Tough break! Hopefully next time the angels will be a little better prepared, and can steward Josh's penis in the correct direction. C'mon angels!
We don't want to fucking talk about this anymore, as it is gross and bad, and Josh Duggar should feel bad. But if you absolutely need more Duggar in your life, click here for a picture of Josh dressed as a cow.
The "mooooooooooooo" is coming from inside his pants.