Julian Assange Doesn't Like Being Leaked On :(

Early yesterday morning the AP published a story detailing how Julian Assange tried to get a Russian visa, skip bail, and flee to Brazil after #CableGate in 2010. The whole caper ultimately led to his grifting cash from supporters and shacking up in Ecuador's London embassy. In response, Wikileaks started screaming about fake news, called the leaker a pedophile, blamed everything on the #DeepState, and now an army of Russian trolls are out for blood because somebody had the balls to dump Assange's dirty laundry into the public square. Is that what they call "irony"? Not sure.

It was the day after Wikileaks posted 250,000 communiques from the State Department. Assange feared that Hillary Clinton's elite battalion of murder ninjas would be trying to turn him into a Vince Foster murder mystery. Hoping to give the bobbies the slip, Assange sent his Holocaust-denying friend, Israel Shamir, to the Russian Consulate in London with his passport and a letter begging for a visa.

Putin was busy plotting world domination so he didn't bother to write back. Assange was already on the run from the Swedish police on charges of raping and molesting two women while being the world's worst house guest, and he couldn't wait for someone at the Russian consulate to finish their cigarette and vodka break. The press wizards, politicos, and TV talking heads around the world were lining up to kick his ass for causing what Italy's then-foreign minister called the "Sept. 11 of world diplomacy." With an Interpol Red Notice making travel impossible, Assange decided to turn himself in to British police before Hillary's murder ninjas could throw his ass into the Thames.

Assange ordered his minions to start cobbling together as many pounds as they could find for his bail. They tore into Assange's rolodex and hit up every super rich and/or powerful friend. They made a spreadsheet that rated people based on their wealth, support for Assange/Wikileaks, and their connections to other powerful people. As legal bills mounted from Assange's army of lawyers at (NO JOKE) Finers Stephens Innocent, his minions began pressuring people to donate as much as £20,000 at a time. They kept track of donations in a separate spreadsheet labeled "Get_Out_Of_Jail_Free."

Assange's supporters began concocting various doomsday scenarios in fear that Clinton's kill-bots would kidnap him back to the US where he was being charged with espionage, terrorism, and being an asshole. According to an email, the best case scenario was to use the connections of a Brazilian human rights lawyer to steal Assange away on a Brazilian boat where he'd likely crash on Glenn Greenwald's couch.

Assange eventually made bail and decided not to couchsurf with GG; instead he ran to the Ecuadorian embassy and claimed asylum. Since Killary-bots treat the sovereign territory of other nations as hallowed ground, Assange shrugged and settled into his new crash pad as his source, Army Pfc. Chelsea (then Bradley) Manning, was arrested by military police and charged with aiding the enemy and 21 other serious offenses. A number of Wikileaks supporters began demanding their money back when Assange called the women accusing him of rape "honeypots," but Assange decided to keep most of it instead.

Wikileaks denies the documents are real. They claim that it's all faked by a hacker who used to volunteer for Wikileaks before being arrested for molesting young boys, and an army of trolls and bots have been flooding social media regurgitating their flimsy talking points. Tweets from the reporter pre-dating the story's publication show that Wikileaks was at least aware the story was coming before it dropped. It's almost sad that Assange/Wikileaks couldn't think of a better defense than calling people pedophiles, and using Putin's troll factories to scream #FakeNews, but the Ecuadorian embassy did cut off his internet access for being a raging douchebag.

The irony here isn't that Assange/Wikileaks is accusing another hacker of molestation, rape, and peddling bogus documents, it's that Assange feels SO BAD that someone finally did it to him. Personally we can't wait for Assange to start tweeting about Donald Trump being a reckless egomaniac and a grifter who endangers global security. Maybe Assange will write an essay on journalistic ethics from the relative safety of his posh London spider hole?

[ AP ]

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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or in a gutter taking photos.


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