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Julian Assange Terrorizes World With Consensual, Unprotected Sexytime

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  • Remember when fragile Australian War Criminal Julian Assange allegedly raped two Swedish ladies? We confidently assumed these so-called ladies were actually just CIA drag queens causing mischief, but the Facts suggest otherwise: Julian Assange joyously finger-banged these two Swedes -- and it was awesome and totally consensual -- but Julian forgot to wear condoms on his fingertips, which is why Interpol needs to arrest him. (Somebody forgot to watch the expand=1] saddest "wear a condom" PSA in Recorded Human History, featuring none other than Dancin' Safe Sex Sensation Bristol Palin and that greasy guy from The Jersey Shore!) Apparently "consensual, unprotected sexytime WAIT A SECOND why didn't you wear a condom?" is called "sex by surprise" in Sweden, and it is a war crime. Even prosecutors admit that this make-out session was consensual, and that the charges filed against Assange are embarrassing and dumb. Anyway, Julian Assange got to touch two different Swedish ladies at the same time, without using protection, and this puts U.S. diplomats in grave danger of contracting crotch rot or maybe even crabs. Arrest/Kill him! [Slate/Raw Story]
  • The House censured Charlie Rangel. Meh. [National Journal]


  • Meanwhile, House Democrats somehow managed to pass those tax cuts for the evil middle-class! Too bad this no-brainer will never, ever get through the Senate. [ABC News]

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Fellow Wonkers, this last week of horror has been wearing on us all, because here we are in a world where the "president" of the United States has ordered that migrant children be taken away from their parents at the border, and is simultaneously proud of it (for his base) and cravenly blaming it on Democrats because even he knows it's morally reprehensible. But what the hell can we do about it, we are all keening, beyond calling our senators and representatives and posting sadness on Twitter, the latter of which is of dubious utility to anyone, and mostly depressing?

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There are perks to being the only Harvard professor willing to shill for the Bush League Mussolini. Everyone else has to haul ass to the Fox studio and sit for hair and makeup. Not Alan Dershowitz! He just parks his laptop in Pee Wee's playhouse and Skypes in that rant. Is he even wearing pants? We hope never to find out!

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