Junior Begs For President Daddy's Love At RNC, Still Isn't President Daddy's Favorite

What was your favorite part of last night's Republican National Convention? Was it when Nikki Haley told everybody which Black lives matter in particular, and it was the same ones Republicans always tend to deem The Good Ones? Did you like it when the McCloskeys, the gun-wielding personal injury lawyers from St. Louis, came out to dogwhistle at everybody about which Black lives are interfering with their "quiet" (white) neighborhoods?

Did you like it when Donald Trump Jr.'s girlfriend Kim Guilfoyle came out to YELL AT EVERYBODY VERY LOUDLY AND SCARE THEM AND MAYBE OPEN THE HELLMOUTH?

That was neat.

We want to focus on Donald Trump Jr., himself, because it was his big night at the convention to tell Mr. President Daddy what a good job he is doing, how his Daddy is better than yours, and maybe if Junior says nice words about Daddy REAL GOOD Daddy will remember to send him a birthday card this year maybe, probably not, allegedly.

A lot of people on the internet seemed to think there was something (SNIFF) up with Junior's delivery. Allegedly.

Donald Trump, Jr. speaks, endorses President Donald Trump on first night of 2020 RNCwww.youtube.com

This is so sad:

JUNIOR: Just a few short months ago, we were seeing the American dream become a reality for more of our citizens than ever before. The greatest prolonged economic expansion in American history, the lowest unemployment rate in nearly 50 years, the lowest unemployment rates ever for black Americans, Hispanic Americans, women, and pretty much every other demographic group. And then courtesy of the Chinese Communist Party, the virus struck.

We know it's just lie words, and they shouldn't even matter, but we refuse to let them continue to claim Obama's expansion. Therefore, here is noted communist rag "Forbes" explaining that the expansion started in July 2009, so seven and a half years of that expansion occurred under Obama before continuing for three years under Trump. No, don't bother using "math," or "numbers," they are biasssss. Anyway, everything was fine and Daddy was perfect until Daddy got attacked by 'GIIIIIIIIIIINA.

The president quickly took action and shut down travel from China.

DADDY did that. Of course the virus was already in America and thousands of people still managed to fly to America from China after DADDY did that, but all Junior knows is that whatever DADDY does is right, so SHUT UP.

And Junior was off to the races. He kept referring to "the president" like he wasn't the same guy who verbally abused him as a child for saying he trusted his Daddy, or like he wasn't the same guy who slapped the shit out of him (allegedly) in front of his friends at college, or like he wasn't the guy who just weeks ago wouldn't even tell Junior all the cool secret classified intelligence about space aliens.

Throughout, he made those faces he makes that say "I am a normal person who was put together correctly by God, who was not drunk that day."

Junior lied and said Joe Biden is going to shut the whole country down again, and that Democrats are trying to use COVID relief bills to give tax cuts to the wealthy. (The New York Times has a good running factcheck of last night's lies from all the speakers.) And then he made Daddy REALLY proud when he called Joe Biden "Beijing Biden," because Daddy likes nicknames. And THEN Junior called Joe Biden the "Loch Ness Monster of the swamp," did you hear that one, Daddy, did you hear that one, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, will you please take my calls, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy?


Then Junior reassured America that Trump is not going to Cancel Culture the Founding Fathers and their statues, because along with racism, "cancel culture" was one of the biggest themes of the night.

So we're not going to tear down monuments and forget the people who built our great nation. Instead, we will learn from our past so we don't repeat any mistakes and we will work tirelessly to improve the lives of all Americans. Joe Biden and the radical Left are now coming for our freedom of speech. They want to bully us into submission. If they get their way, it will no longer be the silent majority. It will be the silenced majority. This has to stop. Freedom of expression used to be a liberal value, at least before the radical Left took over.

Can't be the "silent majority" if you won't stop fucking whining, Junior. Also if you're not the "majority" of jackshit.

As Junior closed down his speech, he hit the obligatory notes to scare white racist Trump supporters with terrifying tales of Black people victimizing them by existing. He referred to the Republican Party as "the home of free speech," a place of "ideas." He said Trump supporters aren't "allowed to go to church," but people are allowed to do "mass chaos in the streets."

It's almost like this election is shaping up to be church, work and school versus rioting, looting and vandalism, or in the words of Biden and the Democrats, peaceful protesting. Anarchists have been flooding our streets and Democrat mayors are ordering the police to stand down.

It probably sounded better when he snuck into Daddy's closet and delivered the speech wearing Daddy's great big white hood and Daddy's great big grown-up-sized shoes.


Junior did a bad job, what a disappointment he turned out to be, he will never be Daddy's favorite, the end.

[Junior transcript]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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