Imagine it is your birthday. (If you are Jill Biden, you don't have to imagine. Happy 7-0, Madam First Lady!)

Imagine you awaken after sleeping in a bit, and the first thing you see is Donald Trump Jr.'s broken face and the first thing you hear is Junior's stupid voice, looking at you and talking to you and saying your name like he knows you, and bitching about the "liberals and the crazies on CNN" while telling you happy birthday.

Imagine next that you find out your beloved spent more than $500 IN AMERICAN MONEY to make that happen. What would you do? Would you call the cops? Well yes, if those things happened because Donald Trump Jr. was in your bed. But in this case, he's on your phone screen. And he's looking at you. And he's saying your name. How many divorce lawyers would you call by lunchtime? How many therapists?

Donald Trump Jr. may be in need of some money for legal fees now that his family and his daddy's business and his daddy are under so much investigation in the state of New York, so he is selling himself on Cameo for $525 a pop. For those unfamiliar and currently retching because you're scared Cameo is like OnlyFans and you're scared Junior's getting naked and showing off Donald Trump Junior Junior on camera, worry not. Cameo is that site where you can get a celebrity to record a personalized birthday message (or any other kind of message, really) in exchange for a fee. And fucking Junior thinks he's worth $525. (If you want his borked face in 24 hours or less, that'll be $787.)


In one video, addressed to somebody named "Peter," Junior says he hears Peter is "turning older than dirt," and says he's "not that sorry about that because I'm also told that you're a serious lib." He says that luckily for Peter, his family "has the sense to not be a lib," and is "full of Trump supporters." He continues with his birthday message:

JUNIOR: I've also heard about some of your fetishes, so you may be as sick as some of the people in the Biden family. That's just me. Who am I to judge? But I hope you have a good birthday regardless, and I hope your family rides you like Seabiscuit.

We are not lying, that is what he said. That cost somebody $525.

The Independent in the UK dove in to another one of Junior's Cameos:

"Don't worry about it if your wife's mad at you for saying that Election Night 2016 was the happiest night of your life... there's millions of people just like you, you can tell her I said that," Mr Trump says in a video to a supporter in Australia. "Thanks for helping us out and support us in going after the liberals and the crazies on CNN."

How heartwarming.

Junior says "a portion" of his very large fee — you can get way cooler people for WAY LESS; shit, you can get Gilbert Gottfried to yell at your loved one for just $175 — is going to the "Shadow Warriors Project," which sounds like it's a Wounded Warriors type thing, but for mercenaries. So that's nice, by which we mean kind of weird. Not sure how much of his very large fee is going to the mercenaries, and how much is GRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFT, but this is a Trump we are talking about, so we're going to hazard a guess it leans toward GRIIIIIIIIIIFT.

Perhaps this transcript of Junior going on the Tucker show this very week and whining about his legal fees provides a clue into where these Cameo bucks are really going:

CARLSON: People want the rule of law, and when the chief law enforcement officer promises to prosecute a crime she can't describe, then you realize this is not a system based on law. It's a system based on political grudges.

TRUMP JR.: A hundred percent. And that's part of the problem, Tucker.

CARLSON: Donald Trump Jr., thanks so much.

TRUMP JR.: Even if they don't get anything, they get you to spend millions of dollars and that's sort of a win in and of itself, and it's tens of millions of dollars.

Junior whined that New York Attorney General Letitia James is "searching for a crime" and doing MILLIONS OF DOLLARS of persecutions to him.

So please order a Cameo video from Junior. Please? He will probably not strip. Probably. You can ask, but he probably won't do it.

[Independent / Fox News]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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