Not the Schwab boy. Well, this is horrible, but it's the Daily Mail, so let's pray they're wrong: A 10-year-old boy in Kansas, son of a Republican lawmaker, was reportedlyFUCKING DECAPITATED at Kansas City's Schlitterbahn Waterpark Sunday.


Would it be better if the boy had just concussed himself and drowned? Wouldn't he still be dead anyway? Yes it would, even though yes he would. Can we all agree decapitation is a lot worse than drowning, because the horror of a drowned child is quite enough horror already? Otherwise ISIS would just drown people instead of cutting off their heads in front of the cameras, even though, oh hell, they do that too. I do not like ISIS at all.

But here's the problem -- argh, besides a dead 10-year-old -- and why this story is Politickal: Schlitterbahn opened its (oft-sued!) waterpark in Kansas City specifically because it's a Republican paradise, like Galt's Gulch, and Somalia. There is no regulation here that might stymie them from building a 168-foot-high waterslide and letting too-skinny 10-year-olds ride it, only to be flung off their raft because they're too light, hit the "safety" netting and REPORTEDLY get their fucking heads cut off.

Let's go to Susie Madrak for the Inappropriate Politicizing:

The designer of the world’s highest waterslide specifically said they built it in Kansas because there were no regulations on height. It took a while before it passed safety tests. [...]

It’s not just Kansas, although Gov. Brownback certainly is proud of his deregulated paradise. Turns out there’s very little regulation on amusement parks anywhere — including Disney. So little, that when someone is injured or killed on a ride, the state of Florida doesn’t even get to inspect it. They get to “investigate” the incident, but they don’t get to inspect the ride. Useful!

That’s because the International Association of Amusement Parks and Attractions pays a lot of lobbyists, and so far, they’ve been very good at making sure your kids and grandchildren remain at risk — because to do otherwise would put profits at risk, and we can’t have that, can we?

The Daily Mail has much more, including the multiple lawsuits alleging severe injuries at the waterpark, and a picture of a little redheaded freckled boy with his smiling dad that might just murder you dead. We are sorry for your horrific loss, Scott Schwab, and won't even be picking through your legislative record, that's how sorry we are.

In the meantime, Schlitterbahn expects to reopen on Wednesday following Sunday's REPORTED BEHEADING. The Verruckt -- German for insane, but you probably knew that already -- will remain closed at least temporarily.

YOU FUCKING THINK???

[DailyMail / SusieMadrak]

Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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