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Ladies and Gents, make room for Candace Owens as the newest jester in the Theatre of the Absurd we now call the American socio-political landscape. Candace Owens, "black intellectual," has made such a name for herself being diametrically opposed to everything that black folks -- pretty much all of us! -- hold dear and/or believe. Candace so wishes she could be a Condi or a Clarence, hell, even Hammertime Ben Carson, but she's not remotely as well-educated as those sellouts. She is cut from the same cloth though, a non-kente cloth known as the "Black and Damaged Opportunist."


If you haven't heard, she's the one "joking" about being a certain rapper's running mate for President in 2024, repping the "Free Thought" party no doubt. Evidently, black people that leave the Democratic party to support racists as well as deny the effects of slavery on the diaspora are part of some movement of free thinkers. Really, girl?

Is it weird that she's just some sham wannabe philosopher making a living talking major shit about all things black culture? When she's not bragging about putting the "smack down" on Black Lives Matter (she actually compared black killings by police to abortions and looked to have dollar signs in her eyes whilst doing so) or challenging John Legend to a debate (he's far too clever to engage on that level), Owens is taking thirsty swipes at anything and EVERYTHING black folks might love and that racists absolutely hate. I mean, Black Panther? As an anti-immigrant PSA? Take several seats, Miss Lady.

Owens loves to tweet fortune cookie level nonsense, and her fans gobble it up like so much unseasoned food. Her facile messages are empty garbage platitudes you might find scratched into a yearbook by the vapid, pretty high school girl prone to non sequitur due to lack of grey matter. What the fuck is she ever talking about? I think she feels profound.

Gibberish, Candida, straight gibberish. Black revolution of free thought, indeed! I am entirely free to think that Owens's fontanels never closed, and that she is devoid of critical thinking. She was one of the first to stick up for poor, poor Laura Ingraham against those evil high school mass shooting survivors. See how she doesn't even try to make sense? Her MAGA demograph eschews logic! Vapid Candace Owens outchea making "mo-ney moooooves"...

"Enough is enough"? What? The queen of inane cliches has also instituted that trite "Democratic Plantation" marketing mantra in addition to showing up on Uber Racist White Dude Misogynist programs like Sean Hannity and Alex Jones. Do you know how much of a mercenary you'd have to be to have a vagina and be black and get through an interview with Alex Jones? But all of the rabid racists really love her little chocolate ass. They especially love her hackneyed slogan that she has a "victor" mindset, and is not a "victim," unlike all of us black peoples she's trying to "free" from our own oppression like she's Bob Marley and shit. She's even taken to fashioning herself a modern day Harriet Tubman! Candy is high on Candy, y'all. Just say no and shit.

Candace Owens needs to keep fake Harriet Tubman quotes out of her mouth.

Apparently being blessed by 5150 Kanye, in addition to her salty self-hate speech, is working like a Charm's blow pop. Owens can't fight with black folks enough. Because she's fighting to um, free us to have, ah, free thought and join her, uh black revolution against the Democrats and black cinema? Even the NAACP draws ire from Owens. How dare they come to her aid when her 17-year-old self was being racially harassed! She sounds like she's playing victim a bit here, if I'm being honest.

Is something "dark and sinister motivating" Owens? Was her experience with the NAACP helping her win a 37k settlement from her school district when her break with reality began? She's not even pressed by the reinvigorated white supremacists and even manages to get cheeky about the topic. She's an alien, and not the so-called "illegal" kind.

The Candace Loves the Klan initiative has widespread appeal and support. Owens pulls an 8 Mile in every video, seemingly and unconvincingly trying to be proud of the names she's called by her brethren. What she doesn't realize is that if the characterizations are true, she just stays looking parched.     

Even the notorious misogynist enabler Twitter Jack goes out of his way to apologize for calling her "far-right" when any other woman, much less a black woman, would be ignored (or banned) while being threatened or verbally abused with language even I would find horrific.

Candy on fire. Atomic ball fire. But that heat don't last very long. Not too far off in the future, Owens will be thrown over for a different flavor as her adoptive misogynoir fam is prone to do when women get stale and black people are all of a sudden just a skosh too mouthy for the mercurial liking of a racist. Another minstrel show will come along to be pimped out to disprove the concerns of 99.9% of the black population. But damn, Candy! Your time is definitely now, so keep sucking! Hard.

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A Nice Lady

A Nice Lady is a not very nice third place winning Jeopardy! contestant mouthy black broad perpetually plotting an escape from corporate shackles...

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