Saintly Brett Kavanaugh Will Teach Basketball To All Your Forced-Birth Children

Saintly Brett Kavanaugh Will Teach Basketball To All Your Forced-Birth Children

The Washington Post published on Tuesday an irrelevant bullshit puff piece on Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh that any PR firm would consider a slam dunk. I don't know why they did it. I don't know what they were thinking. I only know that I'm so angry I can only see in shades of red, much like the hot flames shooting from all my favorite orifices.

You know you've made some quality journalism when Donald Trump's former Minister of Truth is running with it. But maybe there's more to the piece. This is the Post, after all. It's not some suburban PTA newsletter.

Much has been written about Brett Kavanaugh as President Trump's nominee for the Supreme Court, but the discussion has focused on his record as a federal judge and in his legal career.

Well, yeah, because that's what matters. We didn't really get into Ruth Bader Ginsburg's workout regimen until after her third decade on the Court. I just this met this asshole. Why are we rushing into second-date topics literally the day after his nomination? The timing also implies this glorified press release from a random person I don't give a latte-fueled crap about was teed up and ready for a while. Didn't the Post suspect that this was all part of White House Publicist John Barron's plan to sell moderates on the guy who's going to overturn Roe v. Wade and make it easier for you to die in killer whale-related workplace accidents? Could everyone please stop being so goddamn stupid during the rise of US fascism? I'd really appreciate it.

I'd like to talk about [Kavanaugh] as Coach K. Like the one at Duke University, this Coach K also is a mentor to student-athletes who love basketball. But his players are sixth-grade girls.

Yeah, she thinks she's really funny. But what about these sixth-grade girls? Do we have another Jim Jordan scandal brewing? Ha! No, that would be an allegation of serious wrongdoing and actually relevant to the upcoming Senate confirmation hearings. You know, the kind of thing that a paper could get sued over if they didn't do their due diligence. No one complains if you run overwhelmingly positive op-eds about powerful people! This is much easier -- unlike, say, legitimate journalism.

In the summer, Brett is the "carpool dad," often shuttling students to and from practices, games and activities. And in a city where professional obligations can often take priority over personal ones, Brett is a steady presence at his daughters' events, even if it means racing across town just to catch the last 15 minutes of a game or program.

It's awesome being a working parent who also happens to be a man, so you're still described as a "steady presence" in your kids' lives because you show up for the last "15 minutes" or so of their events. If this were a working mother, the same scenario would start some Kirk Cameron-produced faith-based movie called "I Drink Because My Mother Works Outside the Home." It would end with the mother tearfully embracing her kids and saying, "I don't need the Supreme Court. I'm already Chief Justice of the highest court in the land: Motherhood."

I'll leave it to others to gauge Judge Kavanaugh's qualifications for the Supreme Court as a jurist. But as someone who would bring to his work the traits of personal kindness, leadership and willingness to help when called on, he would receive a unanimous verdict in his favor from those who know him.

I'm impressed that this person who is unqualified to talk about anything is humble enough to recognize that fact. Look, I know this is all a trap and FOX News will run with how "uncivil" the left is being by daring to criticize a nice suburban mom for flexing her white privilege. She was just innocently using a major newspaper to politically aid and abet the Trump administration and promote the image of her fellow white person as some kindly Solomon, which isn't even his stated value proposition as a Supreme Court Justice! The right enjoys bashing us over the head over how their preferred judges don't "legislate" from the bench like those awful "liberal activist judges" who think women and LGBT are people. Kavanaugh himself even said this at Trump's rose ceremony when he was announced as Kennedy's (hand-picked) replacement.

Oh, no, that was just the bald-faced lie portion of the speech. Once he demonstrated to Trump that he's a reliable lickspittle toadie, Kavanaugh said things he might've possibly meant.

Yeah, any heartless creep with a strong understanding of Constitutional law can do this. He doesn't need to be a good dad or even a good person. In the hypothetical Star Trek episode where the Romulan refugee is denied access to an abortion, it's not the emotional McCoy who'd argue against her but coldly logical Vulcan Spock (actually neither would because they're not assholes).

At the rate we're going, Carpool Lady might end up testifying on behalf of Kavanaugh at his confirmation hearings. Cory Booker might ask some tough questions about whether he made sure everyone had their seat belts fastened but overall, she'll likely be treated much better than Anita Hill ever was.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


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