Kellyanne Told Trevor That Becky Wrote The NYT Op-Ed Because Kellyanne Is Such A Fucking Heather
Are we still interested in playing the guessing game over who wrote that dumb shit in the New York Times? WE ARE? You coulda fooled us!
Donald Trump is certainly interested, according to The News Reels, and according to his own slurred speech at his Montana rally Thursday night, as he railed against the "ANOMISSSSSSSH" writer, who is "gutless" because he or she, but it's probably a "she" because they called it a "he," wrote as "ANOMISSSSSSSH" instead of using their name.
If somehow you have missed this latest video of the president's bowels leaking out of his mouth, please avail yourself now:
Before his rally, Trump spoke to Fox News (on a mic, so the pigs in the audience could hear him) and said it's just terrible that the New York Times is concealing the identity of the person, as that is "virtually treason." In Trump's America, words mean what President "I Think The F-35 Airplane Is Literally Invisible" say they mean, and he has a very good brain, so why should we question him?
Today, on Air Force One, Trump literally told reporters that he wants Attorney General Jeff Sessions to investigate who wrote the op-ed, because that's what Donald Trump thinks the Justice Department does, because Donald Trump is a dipshit.
MEANWHILE BACK AT THE FARM ...
Back at the Whites Only House, people are "knives out" for each other, according to Axios, losing interest in actually finding out who wrote the thing, and instead just hate-fingering each other for the crime (not in the sexxx way, you perverts! UNLESS THEY ARE). Yes, one of the enduring features of the Trump White House, besides its incompetence and its white supremacist problem, is that everybody who works there has the emotional maturity of a 13-year-old, and there are cliques, so Becky is always telling Trevor that Kellyanne obviously wrote the thing, because Becky thinks Kellyanne is a bitch and hates her and wants her to die or at least stub her toe and get a face rash, and EW GROSS YOU GUYS ALSO did you hear Stephen Miller was caught jerking off into a urinal in the men's room again, ALLEGEDLY, according to a senior White House official who is worried he's going to have nightmares about it but wishes to remain anonymous so that he can talk on deep background about what Stephen Miller's grunting KKK-limaxes sound like?
Also, John Kelly's people are worried he's going to get fingered (again, NOT IN THE SEXXX WAY), while others in the West Wing are giving Mike Pence side eye because, as we have discussed, the op-ed uses the word "lodestar," which is Mike Pence's favorite word of all. Is "lodestar" Mike Pence's safe word? You'd have to ask Mother Pence that question!
WikiLeaks has done the yeoman's work of determining that the op-ed was probably written by an Old Balls conservative man, which is just some really good Inspector Gadget-ing, considering how the Trump White House is 96 percent Old Balls conservative men:
So far, 27 people have denied writing it, as if that means anything, because these people are all liars. The New York Times reports that the list of suspects has been whittled down to around a dozen or so people who might have written it, but the AP talked to two experts who say it could be 50 or even 100 people. Or maybe it could be more!
Rand Paul, whose Russian file must be so much grosser than we ever imagined, considering how much he sucks up to Trump these days, is saying Trump should give the whole White House a lie detector test to smoke out the nasty snake what wrote the unkind "treason" words.
SPEAKING OF KELLYANNE, THOUGH ...
Some people on the outside are starting to mutter that maybe it was Kellyanne Conway, and we assess their reasoning as ... we guess? Wonk pal Charlie Pierce cites his wife, Margaret Doris, who thinks Conway is schemin' and trying to set herself up to say "SEE? I WAS TRYING TO HELP!" when the Trump White House fully blows itself to smithereens, so that she can continue working as a Professional Republican Asshole in the post-Trump years. Pierce notes that she hasn't denied it.
This led the giggly idiots on "Morning Joe" to determine that yes, it was probably Kellyanne Conway, because that dickhead is an operator who secretly hates Trump anyway, and moreover she probably put Mike Pence's "lodestar" word in it just so people would finger him (NOT IN THE SEXXX WAY, Mother would not allow that).
And maybe they're right! Our problem with this theory is that the contents of the op-ed so closely match literally everything we have ever heard about this White House, especially the way West Wing staffers and officials have been infantilizing and undermining the president since the very beginning, and deservedly so. So it at least sounds like the work of somebody who seriously thinks they're doing God's holy #Resistance work from within.
But we guess Kellyanne Conway could have just plagiarized all that and stuck a bunch of "LODESTAR!" in it.
Hell, we don't fucking know. This week is the stupidest week. That is what we know.
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