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This is you right now, if you live in one of the primary states.


Oh look, it is another Super Tuesday, because all Tuesdays are Super when you get to engage in DEMOCRACY! Just kidding, Tuesday is the worst day of the week, and everybody knows that, and it doesn't matter that Kentucky and Oregon voters get to do some voting today, because this campaign is interminable and can Barack Obama just declare himself dictator for life and cancel this shitshow once and for all? That would be fine.

But we guess some people are going to vote today, so here is what you need to know about stuff and things:

Kentucky to unleash its 'Unbridled Spirit' all over Bernie and Hillary, ewwwwwww, Kentucky, you are gross.

It's just the Democrazies going to the polls today in Kentucky! The polls close at 6 p.m. if you are a Kentuckian in the Eastern time zone (where Kim Davis lives), and 6 p.m. if you are in Central. Those two times are, #TimeFact, one hour apart. Just look at your goddamned sundials and figure it out, OK?

Hillary will probably prevail in the state, but Nate Silver is not expecting huge margins. But maybe Bernie will pull it out! But Kentucky is a closed primary, and a Southern state, so maybe he won't! But maybe he will! Those things are in the future, so we will not pretend to be Miss Cleo. Guess we will have to wait and see!

Oregon's state slogan is real stupid, so we're not even going to try to make joke about it right now.

"We love dreamers." PFFFFFFFFT, goddamned patchouli-smellin' hippies.

Anyway, Oregon's primary is also closed, but the FiveThirtyEight boys say Bernie's got a yoooooge chance of winning the state, due to how ALL THE WHITE PEOPLE. Oh, and also Oregon votes by mail, so if you aren't a registered Democrat, or if you don't know mailboxes, how do they work, you are well fucked, son. According to the Green Papers, polls "close" at 8 p.m. local time, which is Pacific Time for most of the state, and "Mountain Time" for a small part of it. As usual, Wonkette is not certain whether or not the "Mountain Time Zone" actually is a real thing or not.

Oh yeah, Republicans are voting in Oregon too, to let Donald Trump spank them with his beautiful penis probably. Who even cares anymore?

So that is the information you need to know! Feel free to use this as an open thread, so that you may fight with each other about the Democratic Primary results as they come in, since you seem to enjoy that so much. We'll be at the bar.

UPDATE: Hi, hello, Evan here. So it looks like Hillz has won in Kentucky, though our rule is that it ain't over until the AP calls it. SO FAR that hasn't happened. We'll see!

UPDATE II: HAHA JUST KIDDING, as we said, it ain't over until the AP calls it, and the AP right now says Too Close To Call with almost all votes counted. So! How 'bout that!

[Politico / FiveThirtyEight]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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