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Hello, American teenage teens, quick question for you: Why are you so goddamned boring? Do you not know how to be teenagers and do stupid rebellious teenage things, and get yourselves into trouble and be reckless and irresponsible and stupid, so you will learn all the important lessons about how to not do that when you are growed up? Obviously, yes:


The sex life of the American teenager is apparently far less busy than it was in generations past.

Less than half of teens older than 14 said they’ve had intercourse, a sharp drop from rates in the '80s, a new CDC study found. [...]

The share of teen girls who reported they've had sex at least once dropped from 51 percent in 1988 to 44 percent in 2013, they found. Abstinence was more pronounced among the guys: 60 percent of teen boys in 1988 said they’d had sex, compared to 47 percent in 2013.

Good god, kids, if you're not awkwardly rubbing on each other's sex parts until one of you says "Uh, I think I came," like we used to do -- uphill! in the snow! BOTH WAYS! -- what the hell are you doing with your time? Drugs? Are you smoking all the drugs, and analyzing the lyrics of whatever your version of Pink Floyd is? (Probably something terrible; your music fucking sucks too.)

No! You are not doing that, even in states where it is legal now!

In fact, overall rates of teens doing the pot has DROPPED slightly in states that have legalized medical pot.

Do you have any idea the sheer agony we had to go through in our day just to get a sandwich baggie of mostly twigs and dirt, with maybe a little bit of shake -- or oregano -- sprinkled in? Before you could just stroll down to the corner store and pick up whatever fancy Super Thai Jedi Blackberry Kush buds you wanted, professionally packaged, with a goddamned BARCODE on it, like you're buying a carton of milk at the grocery store? DO YOU?!?! (It usually involved a lot of waiting in some sketchy apartment for your "friend" the dealer to get back from meeting up with his "friend," the bigger dealer, while you had to sit on some beer-and-semen-stained couch and listen to your "friend's" dumb skeez girlfriend talk about the butterfly tattoo she was going to get on her ankle during spring break in Cabo.)

You kids have no idea how to have any kind of fun at all, do you? You probably think not drugging, and not fucking, is some kind of smart decision. Which, OK, fine it might be:

The majority of those who do choose to become sexually active are using some form of protection. And, in the last decade, the popularity of the so-called "morning-after pill" among girls has more than doubled.

Teen births, meanwhile, have plummeted about 57 percent over the last 30 years.

So apparently, since you are sitting around being LAME and not doing sex and pot to each other all the time, what are you doing, nerdy shit like math? Oh GAWD, you are:

This week, the top-ranked math students from high schools around the country went head-to-head with competitors from more than 100 countries at the International Mathematical Olympiad in Chiang Mai, Thailand. And, for the first time in more than two decades, they won.

Good for you, we guess, for being good at something, even if you are boring and NOT living on the edge and potting up your brain cells and getting sex diseases all over your vaginas and boy vaginas, and accidentally putting babies up there, because you've learned how to keep that from happening. (Except for you, Bristol Palin, you haven't learned anything, you are A Idiot, and you're not even a teenager anymore.)

As for the rest of you, you teenagers, we guess it's all right if you want to do math instead of sex and drugs, but you are still racist, though, just like your parents, so work on that, OK?

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Now get off our lawn.

[WaPo / NPR]

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Money us, PLEASE! Throw a tip in the jar, or click here to keep your Wonkette snarking forever.

[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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