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Kids These Days Will Love Shopping At These Hip New Stores With All The Fetuses

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Every few years, it seems, evangelical Christians take a run at pop culture and hope they can co-opt the cool factor into awesome loving Jesus time. It usually works out pretty poorly. Remember Stryper?


Hey kids! If you like Van Halen but would like it to be not sexy and minus the epic guitar stylings of Eddie, Stryper is for you! Also, too, Jesus.

Of late, though, the culture warriors have opened up another front in the war for the hearts and souls of the youth, and it is a hip online boutique with the already-bored-now name of Heritage House:

I browsed their online shop for the hottest items in their surprisingly expansive catalog. From fetal models to STD-awareness rulers to a wide selection of T-shirts trumpeting their cause (including some with rhinestones), Heritage House has everything you need to spread the message of life and wear your evangelist heart on your sleeve...

That sounds like a fun way to spend a morning! The folks at Vocativ already found some cool DVDs and some inexplicable Skittles packages with inspirational messages. Skittles? Are Skittles all Jesus-y? Do you find the Lord in their tangy dental-work-wrecking chewiness? The kids these days, they have now already wandered off to rape prostitutes and torture people or whatever the latest edition of Grand Theft Auto now lets you do. If only there were better Jesus products at this link you could have saved all the children. Maybe try to open up like one million other Jesus stores?

[Malware at Happy; Link blocked for now]

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While the year 2018 will be remembered for a lot of (mostly terrible) things, it should also go down in history as the year two entirely different women got married to ghosts. Most recently, a lady named Amethyst Realm (of course) made headlines by claiming that after having had sex with at least 20 different ghosts, she had finally settled down with one she met on a flight to Australia. As one does.

But before Amethyst Realm, there was Amanda Teague, a former Jack Sparrow impersonator who was very obsessed with Disney's Pirates of the Caribbean, and who in January announced that she had married the ghost of a 300 year-old pirate named Jack Teague. Teague claimed that Jack Teague had been a black Haitian pirate who at one point had been left at the altar, and had been executed for high treason. She also claimed that they had sex -- including a little pregnancy scare -- and that he once bought her a coffee maker.

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Time for another episode of Poppy's Bad Tweets, wherein we answer the eternal question, DOES COMMANDER TWITTER THUMBS HAVE A POINT, OR IS HE JUST SMOCKING CRACK?

(Spoiler alert ....)

Yeah, About That NO COLLUSION...

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