Kirk Cameron Proves Pagans Tried To Steal Halloween From Baby Jesus
Onetime teevee actor Kirk Cameron, getting into the spirit of the pre-Christmas movie release season, gave a very exciting interview to the Christian Post, in which he revealed that Halloween is a 100 percent Christian festival of 100 percent Christian origins.
OK, sure, by pure coincidence, it also occurs at the same time and has many of the same trappings of much older pagan harvest festivals, but it is utterly unrelated to those, really. Cameron's interview was part of the prerelease publicity for his terrible upcoming movie, "Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas," which makes the completely reasonable claim that there is also no connection whatsoever between the historically verified date of Jesus's birth and some pagan solstice festivals that just happened to occur at the same time, and which may have some similar traditions. The Christian version came first and is real, even if the pagan festivals were older. If anything, the pagans stole Christian ideas and grafted them onto their holidays, because nobody's more jealous than pagans, always trying to steal a good thing. Kirk Cameron is a Christian. He would not lie about this. Besides, as theologian G. Costanza noted, it isn't a lie if you really believe it.
"The real origins have a lot to do with All Saints Day and All Hallows Eve," the actor told The Christian Post. "If you go back to old church calendars, especially Catholic calendars, they recognize the holiday All Saints Day, with All Hallows Eve the day before, when they would remember the dead. That's all tied in to Halloween."
Old church calendars! And All Saints' Day has been celebrated on Nov. 1 from the earliest days of Christianity, going back all the way to... um, the 8th Century. And there is absolutely no connection between that holiday and the Celtic festival of Samhain, which predates Christianity, but probably not really because historians always lie about Jesus to make Him look bad.
And any connections between the samhain myths of the dead coming back to walk the earth and Christian celebrations of All Souls' Day (Nov. 2) are also completely coincidental. Don't even try to make a connection just because that holiday only entered the Christian calendar in the 11th century. You wouldn't insult Jesus by suggesting, like a bunch of historians do, that the early Church borrowed stuff from pagan sources, would you? Kirk Cameron says that isn't so, and anyone who knows as much about history and bananas as he does is not to be trifled with.
So now that we've got the history out of the way -- just shut up, you damned secularists! -- let's try to understand what the True Meaning of Halloween is. Maybe Kirk Cameron can tell us!
"When you go out on Halloween and see all people dressed in costumes and see someone in a great big bobble head Obama costume with great big ears and an Obama face, are they honoring him or poking fun?" Cameron asked.
"They are poking fun at him," the actor said, answering his own question before comparing the concept of costumes to early Christianity.
Gosh, that is insightful! And what, pray tell, is dressing as a big-eared Obama exactly like?
"Early on, Christians would dress up in costumes as the devil, ghosts, goblins and witches precisely to make the point that those things were defeated and overthrown by the resurrected Jesus Christ," Cameron continued. "The costumes poke fun at the fact that the devil and other evils were publicly humiliated by Christ at His resurrection. That's what the Scriptures say, that He publicly humiliated the devil when He triumphed over power and principality and put them under his feet."
Let's just update that list. Christ humiliated the devil, ghosts, goblins, witches, and Obama! Say, Kirk Cameron, if our children dress up for Halloween as something they like, are they doing it wrong? Or are you saying that Jesus also triumphed over Batman? Pretty big talk for someone who doesn't even have a utility belt!
But the main thing to know is that Halloween is 100 percent Christian, through and through! Cameron addresses those crazy notions that somehow Halloween is in any way connected with a pagan holiday by pointing out that such fantasies are just not logical:
"Over time you get some pagans who want to go this is our day, high holy day of Satanic church, that this is all about death, but Christians have always known since the first century that death was defeated, that the grave was overwhelmed, that ghosts, goblins, devils are foolish has-beens who used to be in power but not anymore. That's the perspective Christians should have."
Pagans and Satanists -- same thing, whatevs -- may claim Halloween for their own, but the Risen Lord pretty much puts that nonsense to the lie, because Jesus goes all the way back to the first century and there wasn't anything before that, right? Otherwise they'd be counting backwards, silly!
Now, what about the crazy idea that Halloween is somehow not appropriate for good little Christian children, since it involves consorting with demons? Some of your fellow Christians are very worried about this! Just look at this incontrovertible evidence from Jack Chick!
But Kirk Cameron knows that's just balderdash. Because really, if you think about it real hard just like Kirk Cameron has, you will realize that Halloween is just another way of celebrating Easter, because you can get Cadbury eggs for both!
"You should have the biggest party on your block, and you should have the reason for everyone to come to your house and before anyone else's house because yours is the most fun," he told CP. "Halloween gives you a great opportunity to show how Christians celebrate the day that death was defeated, and you can give them Gospel tracts and tell the story of how every ghost, goblin, witch and demon was trounced the day Jesus rose from the grave. Clearly no Christians ought to be glorifying death, because death was defeated, and that was the point of All Hallows Eve."
We don't celebrate Halloween at the Zoom house, except insofar as it reminds us of the tragic night in 1938 when the Red Lectroids crossed the dimensional barrier from Planet Ten, but were tragically stranded on Earth following the failure of Lord Whorfin's oscillation overthruster.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.