Kris Kobach Can't Be Immigration Czar Because He Wanted Them To Take Out All The Brown M&Ms

Donald Trump appears to have decided on former Virginia attorney general Ken Cuccinelli to be his shiny new "immigration czar," according to the New York Times. (Yes yes, we remember when Obama having "czars" proved he was a tyrannofascist. That and something about a tan suit.) Trump is expected to announce sometime this week he'll have The Cooch coordinating all administration immigration policy -- but we're actually far more amused by the Times's reporting yesterday on the whackadoodle list of job perks demanded by the guy who won't be getting the job, former Kansas secretary of state Kris Kobach, in what, by our count, is his one million and seventh failed bid for a job with the only "president" who's ever given him the time of day.

According to "three people familiar with" Kobach's wish list, Kobach wanted 24-7 access to a government jet so he could fly off to the border at least once a week, to do important Czar Things. He also wanted every damn weekend off so he could spend time with his family (and possible Senate campaign) in Kansas. Beyond that, Kobach wanted an office in the West Wing, the title of "assistant to the president" (and the top pay grade that comes with it), walk-in privileges to the Oval Office, and a guarantee that by November 2019 he'd be named Homeland Security secretary if he wanted the job.

In terms of actual policy, Kobach wanted all other cabinet members who dealt with immigration to be subordinate to his decisions, with only Donald Trump serving as the final deciderer in case of a conflict, and Kobach would also serve as the administration's main media spokesman on immigration.

Oh, yes, and Kobach also suggested he'd need a security detail, though he generously conceded that could wait for a review of his security needs. Presumably, just like Scott Pruitt, Kobach would need considerable protection from the public. Not to mention from Donald Trump, who requires that all his appointees be available 24/7 for consultations on cool new tortures to be incorporated in the design of WALL.

We really loved the part where Kobach's list explained he needed "24/7 access to either a DHS or DOD jet. Czar must be on the border every week." Then on the return trips every weekend, he would need the jet to stop off in Kansas, because "the czar must also go to two-for-one ribs at Applebees" to keep the country safe (it is possible we made that part up). The demand to be Top Immigration Media Whore makes perfect sense for Kobach, too; we're just disappointed he didn't also insist on representing the government in all major immigration litigation, because we all know what a good lawyer he is.

You'd think Trump would have jumped at the chance to make all other departments bow to the Czar, since he wanted to create the position partly due to his sense that his own meddlesome cabinet appointees weren't breaking the law enough for his taste. Maybe Trump will demand that power for Cooch; we'll be among the first to let you know.

The Times reports today that "Trump and some of his advisers" were "put off" by Kobach's demands, although even yesterday's report noted that Cuccinelli was already the favorite for czar. Maybe Cooch only wanted a jet every other weekend. You need to stay reasonable about these things. Besides, the accepted practice for this administration is never to spell out your crazy schemes for personal grift in advance -- instead, you get the job and then start milking it for all the loot you can carry before the media catches on and you get shitcanned. Honestly, Mr. Kobach, there are traditions to be upheld.

Besides, as we recall from our grad school stints teaching the job search unit in business writing, you never negotiate titles and salary until you get the offer. Until then, you have to sell what you would bring to the employer, and offer innovative ideas. Like maybe forcing asylum applicants to fight to the death in gladiatorial contests for the right to have their cases considered.

Whatever official powers are put in place for the position -- which will be based in DHS, not the White House -- it's likely Trump has simply added another combatant to the endless White House intrigues on immigration, notes the Times:

Other questions remain about how Mr. Cuccinelli will navigate relationships within the administration at a time when Mr. Trump's son-in-law, Jared Kushner, and his senior adviser, Stephen Miller, are jockeying for influence on immigration policy. Mr. Miller, whose positions are more aligned with Mr. Cuccinelli's than Mr. Kushner's on the issue, is said to be supportive of the choice.

What with "Game of Thrones" ending its run Sunday, the timing of this new job couldn't be better. Let the backstabbings (and frontstabbings) commence! Of course, whatever policy eventually comes out of all the infighting, the net result will be more suffering for Not Americans, so no matter what happens, it'll be ratings gold with Trump's monstrous base. We'll keep you updated, especially when Fox News announces the TV schedule for those asylum seeker death matches, to be held in the sub-basements of Trump hotels.


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Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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