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Guess who is a LIARFUCKINGLIAR today? Just kidding, that was a trick question. The answer is EVERYONE IN THE WHITE HOUSE, all day, every day. But Congressional Badass Elijah Cummings just dropped a letter on White House Counsel Pat Cipollone. Covington Catholic's proudest alum pinky swears that all the little Trumplanders comply with national security classification requirements, but he may have left out one or two wee tiny security lapses. Like, say, using an AOL email account to discuss the sensitive (and probably illegal) transfer of nuclear technology to our good buddies in Saudi Arabia. NBD, right? Russian and Chinese hackers cower in fear when they hear that scary YOU'VE GOT MAIL, it's just science!

Cummings is clearly pissed off and ready to start dropping subpoenas. Laying out "Two Years of White House Obstruction," Cummings reminded Cipollone that Jared and Ivanka spent the first eight months of the Trump administration using their own BUT HER EMAILS homebrew server, and when they got caught, they rerouted their traffic to a Trump.org server for safekeeping. Which is not how any of that works, but it's totally cool, see, because they "confessed" to it and now everything's fine. And apparently it was, because GOP Oversight Chair Trey Gowdy -- who spent years pretending that Hillary Clinton's email server was the gravest national security threat since Julius and Ethel Rosenberg -- let the Trump email inquiry drop and refused to issue any subpoenas.

But Elijah Cummings is no Trey Gowdy. For one thing, he has a normal-shaped head, so when White House lawyer Emmett Flood wrote the Committee in December saying, "the relevant advisor ... has provided the Committee with information aimed to address your current legislative interests. I hope this resolves the matter," Cummings just shook his damn normal-shaped head and got back to doing his job. Which is CONGRESSIONAL FUCKING OVERSIGHT! And here's what he found.


Jared Kushner talks to Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed Bone Saw over WhatsApp. But then he screenshots the messages and emails 'em to himself, so no harm, no foul.

When asked how Mr. Kushner preserves records of his communications, [his lawyer Abbe] Lowell stated that Mr. Kushner takes "screenshots" of those communications and forwards them to his official White House email account or to the National Security Council.

When asked why Mr. Kushner uses WhatsApp to conduct official business if White House policy prohibits it, Mr. Lowell responded that Mr. Kushner is in compliance with the law.

When asked if Mr. Kushner has ever used WhatsApp to communicate with foreign leaders, Mr. Lowell confirmed that Mr. Kushner "had communications with people outside the United States."

When asked whether Mr. Kushner has ever used WhatsApp to discuss classified information, Mr. Lowell replied, "That's above my pay grade."

Cool, cool. The White House admits that some staffers failed to forward official emails to their government accounts as required by law, but refuses to say who "goofed." Was it Jared? Dunno! (Yeah, take a wild shot in the dark here.) But it definitely wasn't Ivanka, because she exercised her privilege as first daughter and exempted herself from this requirement. Vanky only forwards her responses, because how even can she help it if foreign officials send stuff to her personal email, LOL!

But wait there's more! Remember that hinky nuclear deal National Security Advisor Michael Flynn was going to make SO MUCH MONEY ON once he ripped up those annoying sanctions and figured out a way around the laws forbidding the export of nuclear technology? You know, the one that was literally going to send uranium to Russia? (Swear to Dog, every single thing they ever accused Hillary of was just a confession!)

The Committee has obtained a document that appears to show that K.T. McFarland, while serving as Deputy National Security Advisor, conducted official business on her personal AOL.com account. The document related to efforts by Ms. McFarland and other White House officials to transfer sensitive U.S. nuclear technology to Saudi Arabia in coordination with Tom Barrack, a personal friend of President Trump and the chairman of President Trump's inaugural committee.

First of all, K.T. McFarland, who already had to "revise" her statement to the feds about not discussing sanctions with the Russian ambassador, needs to go directly to jail for using an AOL account for any purpose whatsoever, let alone to conduct official business.

Second of all ... Tom Barrack, we meet again! You may remember Trump's billionaire pal Barrack from such chart-topping hits as "Meet My Buddy Manafort, Let Him Manage Your Campaign," and "Check Out My Secret Memo On How to Monetize the Trump Presidency," or "If You've Got the Checkbook, I've Got the PAC." Unfortunately, the Deep State censored his tone poem, "You Say Bonesaw, I Say Youthful Indiscretion." But who could forget the smash hit, "How Many Investigations Can One Little Inauguration Generate?" That one's still playing in DC, New Jersey, Brooklyn, Manhattan, the Special Counsel's Office, and the House Judiciary Committee. We look forward to hearing Mr. Barrack 'splain to Congress that, despite how it looks, he wasn't trying to turn America's national security apparatus into his own personal piggy bank. And Barrack can't claim executive privilege, womp womp.

Third of all, wonder if the Saudi nuclear grift is one of the eleventy investigations Michael Flynn is helping federal investigators with? We're guessing IT IS.

Movin' on! Do we smell bathtub gin?

The Committee has also obtained a document that appears to show that Steve Bannon, former White House Chief Strategist, received documents pitching the plan from Mr. Barrack through his personal email account. These communications appear to be sent while Mr. Bannon worked at the White House in order to inform Mr. Bannon's official work relating to developing "broader middle east policy."

Oh, you mean Ol' Three Shirts wasn't in it just for the fascist LULZ? Fam, we are shook!

Rep. Cummings, PBUH, knows damn well that the White House isn't going to give him anything. He knows they're going to ignore this letter the way they did all the other ones.

In fact, as you know, the White House has not produced a single piece of paper to the Committee in the 116th Congress -- in this or any other investigation.

But courts are extremely reluctant to wade into political fights unless they absolutely have to, which is why Cummings has to make a good faith effort to negotiate with the White House before dropping subpoenas if he hopes to get the judicial branch to enforce them. Lucky thing we know that email security is the Republicans' number one priority!

media3.giphy.com

Just kidding, they've spent two years ducking this inquiry, and they're going to keep on screaming that it's illegal to investigate Jared's secret sexts with Prince Bonesaw unless Barr appoints another Special Counsel to investigate Hillary's stupid email server AGAIN. So, enough foreplay, Chairman. These letters are nice, but now it's SUBPOENA 'THIRTY. Time to do LOCK HER UPS to all these grifty bastards. Do it now!!!!!

[Cummings Letter Cipollone / Politico]

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