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There is more diversity in how Republicans choose to defend their racist president than there's actual diversity in their caucus. Some have argued that calling Donald Trump a racist is the true insult because it hurts his racist feelings. Others, such as venomous snake creature Liz Cheney, go the "you're rubber and we're glue" route and claim the targets of Trump's racism are the real racists. Plot twist! Then there's Louisiana Senator Jack Kennedy, who went on Tucker Carlson last night and started ranting about the End Times.

KENNEDY: The simple fact of the matter is, the four congresswomen think that America was wicked in its origins. They think that America and its people are even more wicked now, that we are all racist and misogynistic and evil. They're entitled to their opinion. They're Americans.

OK, Kennedy straight-up lies from the word "go" here but he at least concedes that House Reps. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Ayanna Pressley, Ilhan Omar, and Rashida Tlaib are actual Americans. For a Republican, that almost passes for statesmanship.

KENNEDY: But I'm entitled to my opinion.

Of course, you are, Mr. White Man. It's in the Constitution. You're set. Please proceed.

KENNEDY: I just think they're left-wing cranks, and they're the reason there are directions on a shampoo bottle. I think we should ignore them.

We don't recommend ignoring directions on a shampoo bottle. If you do, you're probably shampooing incorrectly. But does Kennedy think "the Squad" pulled some Naderite mojo with the FDA and forced shampoo companies to put instructions on their products? We're reasonably certain shampoo and directions for its use predate the four congresswomen. Kennedy is a Southerner so this was probably his folksy way of saying they're just a bunch of dumb girls.


After a long pause, during which Carlson seemed to question his own hair-washing techniques, the Fox News host questioned whether white people can ignore the "so-called Squad." After all, Democrats defended them against Trump's gross racist attacks, so obviously they're the most powerful people on the planet. Kennedy claimed that the "so-called Squad" has moved the Democrats to the left of Trotsky. They're "destroying" the party -- good news! -- so Trump should just sit back and let them. The "first rule of political combat," after all, is to never interrupt your opponent when they're saying stupid stuff. Case in point:

KENNEDY: I'm appalled that so many of our presidential candidates are falling all over themselves to defend the Four Horsewomen of the Apocalypse.

Say what now? We were talking about Head & Shoulders a moment ago and now we're on the Book of Revelation. Kennedy takes all this personally, we guess. He was a Democrat himself until 2004. But all those women and minorities replaced the segregationists. It just wasn't the same anymore. And it is hard to imagine a party with a tent large enough to include Ilhan Omar and John Kennedy.

KENNEDY: Now, they're entitled to their opinion. But I'm entitled to say that they're whack jobs!

BURN THE WITCH!

We regret that Carlson didn't ask Kennedy the obvious followup: Which "horsewoman" do each Squad member represent? We're waiting around for a washer and dryer delivery, so we thought we'd have a go.

CONQUEST: This is obviously Ocasio-Cortez. She's the false prophet riding the white horse. She's not just a socialist wonk. She's clearly the Antichrist -- or just young, outspoken, and popular. Same diff.

WAR: Americans love war -- unless it's actually a jihad. That's what Omar is bringing as she swoops in on her bloody red charger.

FAMINE: Tlaib is the other Muslim in the group. Her horse is as black as her heart. She wants to starve Israel of US foreign aid.

DEATH: That leaves Pressley. Let's see, uh ... she's black, probably has a gun. LOOK OUT!

President Grand Dragon von Nazi tweeted Kennedy's nonsense in full this morning. He also couldn't resist upstaging Kennedy when it came to coming up with a new cool name for the Squad.

Twitter

FiveThirtyEight gives Rasmussen Reports a C+ -- just like the grades Trump bought at a discount for his kids. The Vicious Young Socialist Congresswomen, however, is an A+ name for an alternative rock band from the 1990s. We could see them opening for L7 at Lollapalooza. Trump definitely makes it on their shit list.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He recently fled Seattle, where he did theatre work for Book-It Rep and Cafe Nordo.

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