Ladies And Gentlemen, Wonkers And Wonkadoos, Your National Legislative Badass Of The Year, Elijah Cummings!
While 2013 certainly kept all the womyn busy in the kitchen baking shitmuffins, there were some bright and awesome spots where legislators on the national stage groped around to find long-lost sets of (gender-neutral) testicles and stood up for everything that is right and just in this world. In order to honor those men and women who encouraged us to step slowly away from the ledge, we have created the most coveted award in all the land: Legislative Badass of the Year. Despite tough competition from both chambers, we proudly present this year's award to...
ELIJAH CUMMINGS! Before we salivate and slobber and talk up this year's champ, we have to give mad props (is that still a thing? We don't know because old) to several runners-up who made us smile and feel good in all the right places.
We of course can't have a category like this without mentioning our favorite perfesser schoolmarm of the Senate, Elizabeth Warren. Back in March, she tried to give us all the monies, calmly explaining that our corporate overlords have been screwing us moar harder than Rick Santorum nailing Larry Craig in the second floor Russell Senate Office Building bathroom. After calling for increasing the minimum wage for us working class schmucks, she went on to remind us how corporations own the courts, and then, of course, the yelling at the banks. Warren is at her most awesomest when she is Righteous Angry Schoolmarm, like she was during the government shutdown. We love you, Liz!
And of course there was the Stormin' Mormon hisself, everyone's favorite Senate Majority Leader, Fightin' Harry Reid. During the government shutdown, Reid spent hours rummaging around the Librul closet and finally found, dusted off, and used a Backbone. It was thrilling and we love him for it.
On the House side, Cummings faced stiff competition from Nancy Pelosi, who is always a badass. She called for the crazy notion of allowing sick people to stay home from work and NOT get fired, and then there was the time she drank Michele Bachmann's tears, which is the kind of eeevil that makes us smile in our evil-places. And who can forget our special happy thoughts about Pelosi, circa 1961?
Also in the House, Rep. Jim McGovern (D-MA) continues to be a total badass when fighting for the poors. He regularly led the effort not to cut food stamps by $40 billion so that poor children could just die and be with jesus sooner. We heart you, Jim McGovern, and please keep trying to feed people because, sadly, we need more people in favor of food for poor children.
Which brings us to the man we heart with every bone of our body, Elijah Cummings. He is our black knight in shining armor, regularly defending America and the universe from cosmic shitstain Darrell Issa. Our totally licit love affair with Cummings began back in June when we first noticed him smacking around Darrell Issa over the IRS scandal-not-scandal. Throughout the summer, our hard-on grew hard-er and on-er as Cummings repeatedly showed Issa to be a lying assclown laughingstock that no one, ever, should take seriously. We have collected some of our favorite quotes from Elijah Cummings, for your reading pleasure:
- From a late July story about Issa lying about the IRS:
However, it is unfortunate that you persist in this pattern of selectively releasing quotes instead of conducting a responsible investigation focused on implementing real reforms. I urge you to focus on obtaining the full set of facts rather than making unsubstantiated allegations.
- From an accurately titled letter on Obamacare, "Information Obtained By Committee Contradicts Accusations”:
Based on information obtained by the Committee, it appears that you fundamentally misunderstood or mischaracterized the document you released to the press yesterday...
- From yet another letter on the IRS investigation:
Once again, your letter appears to provide partial and incomplete information and to disregard key evidence that is contrary to your political narrative.
- And finally, another quote about the Obamacare Investigation:
Chairman Issa’s reckless pattern of leaking partial and misleading information is now legendary for omitting key information that directly contradicts his political narrative.
What is legendary is Cummings' awesome responses to the crybaby car robber arsonist. While this little mommyblog uses dick and buttsechs jokes to make our point, we have rarely found a more classy and sophisticated way to call someone a lying sumbitch than the numerous letters sent by Cummings.
We really can't count the number of times we have had a politigasm from Elijah Cummings, and once again ask if blog-on-badass love is legal in Maryland.
We BEG Cummings to get in touch with us so that we can present this "award" to you in person. We would even promise to make mostly appropriate speeches in your honor, and buy you a beer or twelve if that is allowed because we don't know anything about Congressional ethics but we know that both you and beer are awesome.
We look forward to 2014, when hopefully more badasses will follow the lead of the quality folks mentioned above. Until then, everyone should raise a glass to Warren, Reid, Pelosi, McGovern, and especially Cummings. Cheers, motherfuckers.
Every time DDM (@Wonksplainer) gets a new follower on Twitter, and angel gets a shot of whiskey.