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Conspiracy theorist and Iowa Sen. Joni Ernst (R-Barnyard) auditioned this weekend for the role of Very Important Lady Who Is Also Available To Be Vice President Wink Wink Fellas, at her first "annual" orgy of bikers, Republicans, and hot dead pig, called "Roast and Ride." Stop laughing, that is not the joke. That is what she really called it!


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See, 'tis the season for deep-throating deep-fried everything-on-a-stick and telling Iowans they are fairest of them all. Naturally, Iowa's newest senator wants to be at the center of that action, with all the GOP boys saying real nice things about her, to get her endorsement. So she threw a party, advised Republicans to be more "Reaganesque" -- no, even more than that -- and, in an interview with CNN's Dana Bash, she reminded us (again) why we love to laugh at her so much:

BASH: I was here with Hillary Clinton when she was campaigning for your opponent, Bruce Braley, in the Senate race. She was very clear, and she said, "It's not enough to be a woman."

ERNST: I would say, Hillary, it's not enough to be a woman. You have to care about women's issues.

Well, Ernst sure showed Hillary, by saying what Hillary said. Take that, Hillz, you'll never be president now! Not unless you care about women's issues, like Ernst does. Hey, anyone remember when Ernst was running for Senate and thought the idea of "women's issues" was some laughable made up thing? We do!

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During an interview with the editorial board of the Sioux City Journal, Ernst and the male editors had a good chuckle about what the heck "women's issues" even are because no one ever says anything about "men's issues":

When’s the last time somebody came up to you and asked you about men’s issues? I mean, truly. Has anybody ever asked you that? [...] But we try and scare women by stating, this is a woman’s issue, and this woman is going to take away your access to contraception, which is completely untrue.

That didn't stop Ernst from claiming she had the lady edge, though. DIRECT QUOTE:

I am a woman, and I have three beautiful daughters, and I just think when it comes to women’s issues, I have an edge on women’s issues.

But that was way back in October. Ernst has her talking points all straightened out, and she is A Expert now at what REAL women's issues are:

And women's issues here in Iowa are that we have a strong economy, we have jobs that our sons and daughters can go off to someday, we have a great educational system, and women want strong national defense. We want to know that our families are going to be safe.

So what do you have to say to that, Hillary Clinton? Huh?!?! Besides, "LOL, OK, whatever"? Oh, that's all? Because you've been talking about women's issues since Joni was filling her free time playing with pig balls, with bread bags on her feet, so you don't need her to quote you back to you to teach you what women's issues are, thank you very much?

Yeah, that's what we thought.

[CNN via Mediaite]

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