Larry Klayman Continues Clogging Legal System Toilets With His Own Digestive Expulsions
Remember that episode of "Litigious Larry Klayman's Legal Wonderland Fun Times" last summer when we told you about allegations, made by Klayman's ex-wife during a custody battle over their kids, that Litigious Larry had maybe touched his children inappropriately in their swimsuit areas? And how the magistrate in the original hearing said that although there was no evidence of sexual abuse, he believed that Klayman had behaved in "a grossly inappropriate manner" with the children? And then he took away Klayman's visitation rights and made Larry pay his ex-wife a boatload of money? And then Larry appealed, and the judge who heard the appeal slapped him down, and the Ohio Supreme Court refused to order those lower courts to reverse their decisions, and one would think that was the end of the road. After all, Litigious Larry is a busy guy, what with all the other lawsuits he is always filing and losing and the citizens' grand juries he is always empaneling to indict Obama for doing something or other.
But not our hero, Litigious Larry, who will never stop fighting until everyone knows just how much of an asshole he truly is. While waiting for the Ohio Supreme Court to smack him around, he sued every news organization under the sun except Your Wonkette for reporting on the original sexual abuse allegations. A couple of weeks ago the news organizations responded by filing a motion to dismiss saying, in essence, that the one statement that Larry was upset about with his original suit is an accurate summation of the findings of both the magistrate and the appeals court that upheld his original decision. So how is Litigious Larry responding to this outrageous truth-based defense? By suing for defamation the magistrate who ruled against him in the first place.
Whew, are you as tired of reading that explanation as we are of writing it? Here, let Larry help you out:
So just like he did with his lawsuit against City Pages et al., Litigious Larry is using the whole “that judge was a Democrat leftist Jew who hates me for my religious beliefs" line, and he takes like 500 pages to say that the magistrate's innate prejudice must be the reason why he ruled in the ex-wife's favor, and it couldn't possibly have anything to do with Larry not being able to prove his case because he is simply the bestest.
Larry's religious beliefs, by the way, are that he is a Jew for Jesus, those Jews who believe “in Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior and the Son of God," which pardon us but we're Jewish and if believing that Jesus was the Son of God is not a renunciation of one of the central tenets of Judaism and the big reason why it and Christianity went their separate ways a couple of thousand years ago, then we are going to sue our own parents for making us spend all that time preparing for our Bar Mitzvah and attending Hebrew school and all those services at our temple, because damn, how many awesome gifts have we missed out on while spending every Christmas eating Chinese food and going to movies?
Anyway, Larry wants $3 million in compensatory and punitive damages from Lawrence Loeb for purposely writing a 93-page opinion finding in favor of Klayman's ex-wife because Loeb knew it would be part of the public record and news organizations would repeat the allegations, thus harming Larry's work as a force for conservative good in fighting the encroaching socialism of our Muslin Usurper Overlord. Larry, you write for WND. You're doing a pretty good job of harming your own cause all by your lonesome.
Still, thanks for calling Wonkette a “venomous and radical-leftist publication" in your filing. We had been looking for a tag line to put on our masthead! We are hurt that you made one of our stories an exhibit in your filing even while you continue refusing to sue us, though.