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Laura Ingraham Did Not Mean Her Racist Comments Racistly, You Racist!

Post-Racial America

Well golly fucking dammit, it has happened again! Laura Ingraham did that thing where she opens her mouth and words come out, and then suddenly everybody was like "what the fuck is wrong with you" and "you piece of shit." Unfortunately for Ingraham, unlike many purveyors of racism and white nationalism and other generalized bigotry, she is also a coward. Or maybe she is just worried all her advertisers will leave again.

Whatever it is, Ingraham felt the need on Thursday night to clarify her comments from Wednesday night, which were construed as OMG SO FUCKING RACIST for some reason, we guess because of all the unrepentant racism. In case you missed it, here's what she said:


Hoo boy.

People were obviously offended and Ingraham's name trended all over Twitter, and known white supremacists got little teeny weeny racism boners. David Duke even jizzed a little, in this tweet, which has since been deleted:

Laura Ingraham did not mean it that way, David Duke! She meant to say the quiet part quiet and the loud part loud, like she usually does! It's not like she's Tucker Carlson or anything.

Here is Ingraham's "clarification":

A message to those who are distorting my views, including all white nationalists, and especially one racist freak whose name I will not even mention.

David Duke. YOU RACIST FREAK. Laura Ingraham is not racist. Laura Ingraham is woke as fuck. Look here:

You do not have my support. You don't represent my views, and you are antithetical to the beliefs I hold dear.

How can she be racist? One of her adopted children is from Guatemala, for God's sake, which is ... (checks news) ... one of the countries people have been fleeing for their lives, only to be greeted at the US border by having their families ripped apart and their babies put in baby jails, which are actually just like "summer camps," according to ... (searches Wonkette dot com) ... oh yes that was Laura Ingraham! (They are not like "summer camps.")

GO ON, MADAM:

The purpose of last night's Angle was to point out that the rule of law, meaning secure borders, is something that used to bind our country together.

And despite what some may be contending, I made explicitly clear that my commentary had nothing to do with race or ethnicity, but rather a shared goal of keeping America safe, and her citizens safe and prosperous.
Furthermore, as I have said repeatedly on the show, merit-based immigration does wonders for our country's economy, our way of life, and how we define our country.

I even said that in my opening thoughts last night. I want to make it really clear that my concern will continue to remain with the families who have suffered the tragic results of illegal immigration. The children put in dangerous and unfair situations at the border, and all those border agents around the country who work to keep our country safe.

Oh my fucking God. She did not make "explicitly clear" that she wasn't talking about "race or ethnicity." In fact she was saying that because of ILLEGAL and LEGAL immigration (she means from the Hispanic countries south of us, as opposed to when nice white people like Melania's mommy and daddy do chain migration to America), "demographic changes" have been "foisted" upon unwilling American Fox News viewers, who are mostly the type who insist they are not racist because have you seen how nicely their black neighbors maintain their lawns?

Unless Ingraham was talking about other kinds of demographic changes that come from immigration from Mexico and Central America -- maybe she just doesn't like the average age of the immigrants? Are they all gay? OOH, maybe all those Latinx people are unfairly tilting America toward Catholicism or something, which is bad because JUST KIDDING, LAURA INGRAHAM IS FUCKING CATHOLIC -- then she was just being a fucking racist bigot piece of shit asshole, like she is every day of her godforsaken life. Unfortunately this time she didn't apologize "in the spirit of Holy week," because that was fucking hilarious.

Hey Laura Ingraham's advertisers! Feel free to go ahead and do that thing again please!

As for Ingraham, she oughta go fuck herself, as usual.

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Good morning, America! Attorney General Bill Barr is doing a presser at 9:30 AM EDT about the Mueller report, which nobody will be able to see until around noon or after, once Congress gets the redacted report on CDs. Seeing as that is bullshit, there's no reason to watch this thing, as journalists won't be able to ask him questions about a document they haven't seen. So ... go back to bed, everyone!

Ugh, fine, we guess we will do this, and that is because we care, even though we are quite certain HGTV is doing some kind of very important "Property Brothers" marathon that adds much more of value to the national discourse, and also covers it up with shiplap accent walls. Does Bill Barr do cover-ups with shiplap? No, because he doesn't have the good taste for that.

Reportedly, we are going to hear from Barr why certain things were redacted, including why he thinks certain facts are subject to executive privilege, which is funny because he is not the president and therefore cannot invoke executive privilege. But oh whatever! Details! Robert Mueller won't be there and none of his team will be there, which tells you something about how they feel about this whole process. If they felt like this was on the up-and-up, you'd imagine they might show up to present a united front. As that is not happening, assume the entire thing is a bullshit act meant to help Donald Trump set the narrative for what will otherwise be a very bad day for him.

The New York Times reported last night that the White House has already been briefed on significant portions of the report, because Bill Barr is a rightwing scam artist piece of shit who gives the Trump White House reacharounds. The briefings have reportedly been very helpful for the White House in coming up with how to rebut today's report, which is funny because we thought Trump said this report was a full exoneration, NO COLLUSION, NO OBSTRUCTION. (Actually nope on both counts, since Mueller didn't decide the obstruction question, and even according to Barr's mash notes, he took a very limited view of the conspiracy question, focusing on the Russian government's hack and dump WikiLeaks operation.)

Anyway, assuming Trump is right about full exoneration, we guess Rudy Giuliani's rebuttal will state that Trump is guilty, full stop. Because that's what "rebuttal" means, correct?

Committee chairs in the House including Jerry Nadler, Adam Schiff and Maxine Waters have called upon Bill Barr to cancel today's briefing, as it is useless horseshit. Because Barr literally gives zero fucks about his reputation and apparently is OK with going down in history as a fecal stain on our institutions and the rule of law, the show will go on.

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Now What? Wonkagenda For Thurs., April 18, 2019

Bill Barr's book report, the NRA is doomed, and Johnny Cash will watch over the Capitol. Your morning news brief!

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Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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