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Laura Ingraham Did Not Mean Her Racist Comments Racistly, You Racist!

Post-Racial America

Well golly fucking dammit, it has happened again! Laura Ingraham did that thing where she opens her mouth and words come out, and then suddenly everybody was like "what the fuck is wrong with you" and "you piece of shit." Unfortunately for Ingraham, unlike many purveyors of racism and white nationalism and other generalized bigotry, she is also a coward. Or maybe she is just worried all her advertisers will leave again.

Whatever it is, Ingraham felt the need on Thursday night to clarify her comments from Wednesday night, which were construed as OMG SO FUCKING RACIST for some reason, we guess because of all the unrepentant racism. In case you missed it, here's what she said:


Hoo boy.

People were obviously offended and Ingraham's name trended all over Twitter, and known white supremacists got little teeny weeny racism boners. David Duke even jizzed a little, in this tweet, which has since been deleted:

Laura Ingraham did not mean it that way, David Duke! She meant to say the quiet part quiet and the loud part loud, like she usually does! It's not like she's Tucker Carlson or anything.

Here is Ingraham's "clarification":

A message to those who are distorting my views, including all white nationalists, and especially one racist freak whose name I will not even mention.

David Duke. YOU RACIST FREAK. Laura Ingraham is not racist. Laura Ingraham is woke as fuck. Look here:

You do not have my support. You don't represent my views, and you are antithetical to the beliefs I hold dear.

How can she be racist? One of her adopted children is from Guatemala, for God's sake, which is ... (checks news) ... one of the countries people have been fleeing for their lives, only to be greeted at the US border by having their families ripped apart and their babies put in baby jails, which are actually just like "summer camps," according to ... (searches Wonkette dot com) ... oh yes that was Laura Ingraham! (They are not like "summer camps.")

GO ON, MADAM:

The purpose of last night's Angle was to point out that the rule of law, meaning secure borders, is something that used to bind our country together.

And despite what some may be contending, I made explicitly clear that my commentary had nothing to do with race or ethnicity, but rather a shared goal of keeping America safe, and her citizens safe and prosperous.
Furthermore, as I have said repeatedly on the show, merit-based immigration does wonders for our country's economy, our way of life, and how we define our country.

I even said that in my opening thoughts last night. I want to make it really clear that my concern will continue to remain with the families who have suffered the tragic results of illegal immigration. The children put in dangerous and unfair situations at the border, and all those border agents around the country who work to keep our country safe.

Oh my fucking God. She did not make "explicitly clear" that she wasn't talking about "race or ethnicity." In fact she was saying that because of ILLEGAL and LEGAL immigration (she means from the Hispanic countries south of us, as opposed to when nice white people like Melania's mommy and daddy do chain migration to America), "demographic changes" have been "foisted" upon unwilling American Fox News viewers, who are mostly the type who insist they are not racist because have you seen how nicely their black neighbors maintain their lawns?

Unless Ingraham was talking about other kinds of demographic changes that come from immigration from Mexico and Central America -- maybe she just doesn't like the average age of the immigrants? Are they all gay? OOH, maybe all those Latinx people are unfairly tilting America toward Catholicism or something, which is bad because JUST KIDDING, LAURA INGRAHAM IS FUCKING CATHOLIC -- then she was just being a fucking racist bigot piece of shit asshole, like she is every day of her godforsaken life. Unfortunately this time she didn't apologize "in the spirit of Holy week," because that was fucking hilarious.

Hey Laura Ingraham's advertisers! Feel free to go ahead and do that thing again please!

As for Ingraham, she oughta go fuck herself, as usual.

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Money us, PLEASE! Throw a tip in the jar, or click here to keep your Wonkette snarking forever.

[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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