Laura Ingraham Takes Gold In 'Sh*t On Capitol Cops' Contest In Stunning Upset Over Favorite Tucker Carlson

We predicted it, and sure enough, it came to pass.

After yesterday's brutal and honest congressional testimony from DC and Capitol cops about the January 6 attack on the Capitol by radicalized domestic terrorists, Fox News's primetime hosts made fun of those cops. We guess for Fox's evening hosts, cops are only heroic if they're abusing Black people.

You'd think Tucker Carlson's White Power Hour would win the gold, but we're going to have to award him the silver this time, as he was edged at the last minute by Laura Ingraham, who was in much finer form last night. Maybe Tucker is still recovering from having his dick publicly broken in Montana this past weekend.

Regardless, here's Ingraham, who gave out awards to the cops for their theatrical performances. Of course, she started by lying about what happened January 6:

LAURA INGRAHAM: There was certainly a lot of violence that day but it was not a terrorist attack. It wasn't 9/11. It wasn't the worst thing that ever happened to America. It wasn't an insurrection.

It indeed wasn't 9/11, and it wasn't the worst thing that ever happened to America — there are so many sordid acts in our history committed by white supremacists, so that's a high bar! — but it was most definitely an insurrection to overturn democracy committed by terrorists who shouldn't be allowed to walk free. DC police officer Daniel Hodges even read the definition of domestic terrorism, according to US law, during his testimony yesterday, for racist, propaganda-spewing hacks like Ingraham.

Ingraham, rolling her eyes and scoffing like she does, gave out acting awards to the officers, mocking their testimonies along the way. First, though, she awarded "Best use of tears and pauses in a leading role" jointly to Reps. Adam Schiff and Adam Kinzinger, both of whom teared up and cried during the hearing. "God save us from these third-rate theatrics," said Ingraham, who we guess prefers her men tougher, like Dinesh D'Souza, a person we always must remind you Ingraham had sex with on purpose.

She then gave "Best use of an exaggeration in a supporting role" to Capitol Police officer Aquilino Gonell, who, she said, "thinks the pen is literally mightier than the sword." She was literally mocking his testimony that the weapons used against them that day were weapons. Haw haw! He said weapons were weapons even if they were just pens! (And also stun guns and tasers and crowbars and flagpoles and knives and baseball bats and fire extinguishers and bear spray.)

For "Blatant use of partisan politics when facts fail," she gave her prize to Capitol Police officer Harry Dunn. We had a feeling when he admitted he voted for Joe Biden, the Fox News hosts would react in the same spirit as the terrorists that day. As Dunn testified, they surrounded him screaming, "You hear that, guys? This [n-word] voted for Joe Biden." (He did not say "n-word.") They screamed "BOO! Fucking [n-word]" at him. Ingraham just removed the overt racial slur for deniability purposes. She also bellyached that Dunn compared Donald Trump to a hitman.

Finally, for "Best performance in an action role," she made fun of DC officer Michael Fanone, who testified in great detail about terrorists giving him a heart attack and a concussion that day, and called the actions of Republican congressmen showing absolute indifference to him and his colleagues "disgraceful." Then she hosted seditionist Rep. Jim Banks, whom Nancy Pelosi rejected for the committee, who said the officers' statements were "carefully scripted" and said they "stumbled over words they weren't familiar with." Guess he just thinks cops are too stupid to know big words.

Speaking of "carefully scripted," you'll note that Ingraham didn't actually play much of those guys' testimonies. Just the parts she cherry-picked so she could roll her eyes and scoff at them.

Meanwhile, Tucker.

Want to watch Tucker Carlson laugh like a big tough guy at Officer Fanone for saying he's suffered from PTSD since the attacks where he was literally beaten within a half inch of his life? You can see it here, but like we said, Tucker really didn't bring his A-game last night, so it doesn't deserve an instant replay here.

Tucker was also apparently offended that Fanone didn't have any PTSD from last summer's mostly peaceful protests in DC:

"What is interesting is Michael Fanone didn't mention experiencing any trauma during the time he spent last year on the DC police force. It was just last summer that rioters in Washington torched the oldest Episcopal church in the city just steps from the White House. Dozens of police officers were injured that day."

If Fanone said he had PTSD from seeing a Black person protest for their rights, Tucker would try to be his best friend or maybe date him. The Capitol terrorists were white though, so Tucker just doesn't get it.

Tucker made fun of Officer Gonell, who before his current job served in Iraq, and who testified that "on January 6th for the first time, I was more afraid to work at the Capitol than my entire deployment to Iraq." Haw haw, that was very funny to Tucker, the frozen dinner heir who definitely knows what war is like.

"Actually what happened on January 6, according to the video we do have, does not look a lot like Iraq. It's not Fallujah." He played footage of a relatively quiet segment of the Capitol invasion, with protesters milling peacefully about the rotunda.

Of course he did. Of course, he could have played some of Fanone's bodycam footage, because they played that in Congress yesterday. But Tucker was busy lying.

We'll finish this post with this partial transcript of a voicemail Officer Fanone received while he was testifying, from somebody he did not know:

"You're so full of s—t, you little f---ot f—ker. You're a little p---y… You're a lying f—k… How about all the scummy Black f—king scum destroying our cities and burning them… I wish they would have killed all you scumbags, 'cause you people are scum. They stole the election from Trump… Too bad they didn't beat the s—t out of you more."

No, the message wasn't left on Fanone's phone by Tucker or Laura, but nobody would be shocked if it had been. Especially because if you hear the full voicemail, the caller asked Fanone if he wanted an Emmy or an Oscar.

These minds think alike.

[Media Matters / Insider / Daily Beast / ibid.]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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