Laura Ingraham: When Did Joe Biden Fart & When Did He Know About It?
Joe Biden is polling consistently ahead of Donald Trump, sometimes by double digits. It's amazing how effective a campaign you can run from your basement if you don't suggest people drink bleach. Republicans have tried to smear Biden with baseless claims that his son murdered JFK or something like that, but they haven't managed to put a dent in Biden's consistent lead. That might've ended Wednesday night, when Laura Ingraham revealed that the former vice president possibly, maybe, passed gas on camera like a human who has bodily functions.
She'd gone after Biden early in the show because he'd said that he wears a mask as a sign of “respect." We can't have the future leader of the free world respecting other people or leading by example. Molly McCann, director of the Phyllis Schlafly Virginia Constitution Center, argued that masks were really about “social control," which ... uh, wasn't that Schlafly's jam? She probably thought it was scandalous whenever women left the house without a hat. She might've been down with face coverings.
MCCAN: The goal of the masks are ... certainly not health related. They are political tools.
The promotion of condom use during the height of the AIDS crisis was often rooted in “respect" for your sexual partner, but the messaging was directly related to maintaining public health. What's wrong with these people?
INGRAHAM: I saw a sign at one of the events, one of the protests. "Subjugation? Or Science?" That got me thinking.
Really? We can't confirm that Ingraham was high in a college dorm when she saw this idiot's sign, but that's the best-case scenario. Pot-related stupidity eventually wears off.
Did Laura Ingraham just devote an entire segment to whether or not Joe Biden farted? Yes. Yes, she did. https://t.co/kPkwg3NXtH— Justin Baragona (@Justin Baragona)1590634239.0
(Can't see the video? Please click the little bird in the tweet!)
After painting Biden as some They Live totalitarian villain, Ingraham moved on to mocking him as a confused old man, which is a completely new conservative tactic. Biden held a livestream chat Wednesday with Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Wolf, and Ingraham's guest, Raymond Arroyo, claimed Biden "couldn't quite organize his thoughts" as he tried to remember those lost to COVID-19. (This is a damn lie, and that very day, Biden released a moving video noting the somber milestone of 100,000 dead while Trump was spreading conspiracy theories on Twitter.)
ARROYO: [Biden] should avoid talk of mental health, but there's the empathizer-in-chief again.
Yes, Biden often pauses mid-sentence to collect himself when discussing a painful subject. Arroyo and Ingraham yukked it up over Biden's VISIBLE GRIEF because both they and the current president are stone-cold sociopaths.
ARROYO: It appears that Biden was trying to read the prompter ...
Jesus Christ, not this shit again. Conservatives thought it was a teleprompter that made Barack Obama “articulate," and now they claim it's why Biden is capable of human emotion.
ARROYO: And I can tell you from conversations I've had with Democratic strategists ...
Sir, that was an Arby's drive-through.
ARROYO: ... They're very concerned about the cognitive decline.
Oh, fuck you.
Ingraham claimed that Democrats canceling their convention this summer because of COVID-19 concerns is just an excuse to keep Biden from the public eye. Then she asked Arroyo about the “gas that came out of the can" during Biden's livestream. This wasn't the lowest moment in TV history but it's right around there with Geraldo Rivera opening Al Capone's vault.
ARROYO: Biden let something slip. Listen very closely. Look, I've long said Biden has trouble getting it out. He didn't have that problem today.
So, even Buzzfeed has run with what Ingraham called “Fartgate," but I watched the clip and while I was promised farting, there is no farting. Biden sits back in his chair. That's it. Even Ingraham admits it was “just a squeaky chair."
ARROYO: Some have been saying it's flatulence, but it's the most coherent thing Biden's said all year.
This is when I remind everyone that Donald Trump is functionally illiterate ... and not even that functional. Someone whose sole platform was farting would be an improvement over Trump.
ARROYO: This is why Biden was wearing the mask! To protect himself.
Yeah, that's how those two geniuses spent time out of their finite lifespans. At the top of the show, while insisting that we need to hurry up and open restaurants and bars, Ingraham made an offhand reference to everyone who'd died from COVID-19. It was rote and emotionless. But she laughed to the point of tears over Biden's imaginary farts. It's possible she's not a nice person.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).