Lauren Boebert Cites Noted Gunhumper 'Jesus,' That Guy Always All Pew Pew Pew Pew Pew!

Editrix's note: We're aware of all things on the internet and are not writing about the sexxxy sexxx allegations at this time as "we heard it from somebody trust us" doesn't meet our exquisitely high journalistic standards of blogginess. Please enjoy this absolute idiocy in its stead.

On Saturday, Colorado Congresswoman Lauren Boebert was a guest speaker at Charis Christian Center's "Family Camp Meeting 2022," held from June 8-12, and used said platform to bastardize her own religion. Boebert, despite whatever her religion says about false idols, has a co-equal deity: Guns. More specifically, in this instance, the AR-15 that has been used in mass shootings in Uvalde, Texas, Buffalo, New York, and many more.

Lauren Boebert: Bad at paying taxes, bad at paying employees, bad at cooking food, bad at Bible!


In this section of her speech, she spoke about "cancel culture" (removing all meaning from that phrase) and how AR-15s can't be blamed for mass shootings:


This isn't the first time Boebert tried to explain Bible heroes getting "cancelled," but it is the first time to our knowledge that she combined it with her gun fetish. This logic falls apart fast when you remember Cain used a rock to kill just ONE person, not a group of them. The ability of an AR-15 to shoot multiple bullets (or "rocks" if it makes Boebert and Cain more comfortable) in quick succession is what makes it more deadly and this analogy idiotic. If you wanted to kill multiple people at the time the Second Amendment was written, you either needed as many shooters as possible or victims who refused to move out of the way, since it took an average of 20-30 seconds per shot as the 18th century muzzleloader required 12 steps to load and fire. That's just one of the reasons — "well-regulated militia" being another — why every argument regarding "the Founding Fathers' intentions" since District of Columbia v. Hellerhas been a bad faith misreading of the history and context of it.

But Boebert saved the best for last when she used Homer Simpson's logic to argue why Jesus could have used an AR-15.



Let's ask Jesus. We happen to have Jesus right here!

But Jesus said to him, “Friend, why have you come?” Then they came and laid hands on Jesus and took Him. And suddenly, one of those who were with Jesus stretched out his hand and drew his sword, struck the servant of the high priest, and cut off his ear. But Jesus said to him, “Put your sword in its place, for all who take the sword will perish by the sword.Or do you think that I cannot now pray to My Father, and He will provide Me with more than twelve legions of angels? How then could the Scriptures be fulfilled, that it must happen thus?” -
Matthew 26: 50-54 (New King James Version)

Kinda hard to argue that twelve legions of angels would not be more effective than an AR-15, then and now, had Jesus not freely chosen to be sacrificed ("lamb of God," Lauren Boebert) to wash the sin from all of humanity (his thing, not ours).

Lauren Boebert is a terrible Christian, you are very surprised by this, the end.

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Michael Mora

Your friendly neighborhood Puerto Rican Political Freelance Writer for @wonkette. Pop Culture observer, Amateur Movie reviewer & Comics fan. Former Active Duty Marine. All opinions are mine only.

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