Lauren Boebert 'Splains Bible Heroes Who Got Canceled, Like Abel And Jesus

National Politics
Lauren Boebert 'Splains Bible Heroes Who Got Canceled, Like Abel And Jesus

The most reverend holy pastor Lauren Boebert (R-Jesus) went on the Mike Huckabee show recently, and oh boy they shot the shit about the Lord!

Lauren Boebert knows all about the Lord. She is a Bible expert. And she also is an expert on cancel culture, which as we all know is what the Bible is mostly about.

Let her 'splain you, so that you may get religioned.

I believe as a Christian, that frustration we feel on the inside of us sometimes is really just God’s motivation to send us to where we need to be part of the solution, and it let me here!

Tell us about God's motivations, oh holy one!

You know, I think people would love if I would tone it down. But, you know, we had our Lord Jesus certainly didn’t tone it down for anyone.

Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit JESUS'S FIST!

We had the Apostles who carried this message of the Gospel and even the leaders in their days, they said, you know, it’s fine, you can pray but just don’t do it in the name of Jesus.

It was cancel culture!

And now here we are in another cycle of cancel culture but this is nothing new. Cancel culture has been around since the beginning of time.

In the beginning was cancel culture, there's always been cancel culture, Jesus came from heaven above to uncancel the cancel culture.

Cain canceled Abel.

Cain murdered Abel, but OK.

We had Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego that were thrown into the fiery furnace.

Again, a little bit rougher than conservatives being mildly criticized because they apparently can't stop saying the N-word, but OK.

King Nebuchadnezzar wanted to cancel them but there stood another in the midst of them and He was as of the son of God.

Man, this is all just so fucking biblical. Nebuchadnezzar put them in the furnace so he could cancel them, but then he couldn't because the Great Uncanceler was there.

And then they tried to cancel Jesus, but you can’t cancel God!

Fool God twice, can't get fooled again!

Elsewhere in this braindead interview, Lauren Boebert said her state of Colorado "allows full-term abortion," which doesn't exist, but is rather just something folks who believe as Boebert believes invented in their diseased brains. Boebert and Huckabee bellyached about Donald Trump getting banned from Twitter, and Boebert bragged that she knows how to "get around" Twitter's rules "just right."

She also delivered a line she had almost certainly spent hours in front of her mirror rehearsing, where she called Joe Biden the "president in the White House ... I MEAN RESIDENT!" It was very hilarious and God slapped his knees so hard in heaven it caused a great earthquake that magically changed all the Bible verses to say "Let's Go Brandon" and God wasn't embarrassed at ALL that He had created Lauren Boebert that day.

Here's a video of all that vomit.

The end.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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