Today is the day Rand Paul has been waiting for, when Rand Paul announced that Rand Paul will officially lose the 2016 election! And wouldn't you know it, he came prepared, for he has many, many nice things for sale, in case you need Rand Paul on your tits, your dick, or your bedroom ceiling, which is where you'll want to put that fancy eye chart up there! Yours for only $20.16! He did an eye chart, you see, because he pretends to be an ophthalmologist.
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Of course, as you gaze at the ceiling, you will be comfortably wrapped in Paul's warm caress, provided by his woven blankie.
Don't worry if your lover thinks you are hogging the covers, just give him/her their own Rand Paul Constitution blankie, and everybody will be happy.
Now reach over to your nightstand, because it's time for a little reading. And goody, it is your favorite, the Constitution, signed by Rand Paul for only $1,000. "Ah," you will think as you are reading it, "it's just like he's one of the Founding Fathers." "More like Founding Daddy," he will seductively whisper at you from the ceiling:
Okay, time to get out of bed. What will you wear today? Maybe you can stay comfy in this nice Rand Paul hoodie, because, even though you associate hoodies with black people, you know that Senator Aqua Buddha once talked to black people, and that it wasn't so bad after all. Also, according to the website, "Rand Paul fashion is cool." Unfortunately, he did not cite his source on that one:
What are you wearing underneath? The doctor prefers you naked, of course! No, we jest, if you are a lady, you are wearing a Rand Paul sports bra-type "performance shirt", and if you are a gentleman, you are wearing one of his hilarious "Don't Drone Me Bro!" t-shirts!
Now, it's activity time! Would you like to play with this fun Rand Paul On A Stick thing? Give him 35 bucks, and this thing, which he calls a "freedom paddle" (no shit), is yours!
Now, you may not be convinced that Freedom Paddles are worth 35 moneys, but Paul is here with the sales pitch:
Sure, there are a lot of things you can get on a stick, but can you get the next leader of the free world on a stick? Huh?
Haha, he is not the next leader of anything. But anyway, cool paddles, bro!
Ever get worried that the government is going to see you fapping through your webcam? Rand Paul will be the president of that, too, by selling you a $15 "NSA Spy Cam Blocker," otherwise known as "a sticker."
Of course, Paul has regular stuff too, like iPhone cases and stickers and yard signs and koozies and stuff, but those are boring. America demands much more interesting swag, and Sen. Rand Paul delivers.
Okay, seriously, though, we are not interested in buying any of this shit, and you are not either. You ARE interested in Wonkette swag, like Elizabeth Warren coffee cups, for your coffee, and Elizabeth Warren t-shirts, for your tits. BUY ALL THAT INSTEAD.
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