We are going to make your coronavirus quarantine day much better right now, are you ready? Whatever is happening, Donald Trump is absolutely miserable. See, aren't you now so much happier?

Late Friday, it was reported after Donald Trump's infamous Bleach-The-Pain-Away press conference that Trump would be scaling back his briefings, which is incredibly sad for him, as they were the only thing giving him the constant attention he craves. They also appeared to be the only period of each day where Trump was really working, according to the New York Times. Dude waddles down to the Oval around noon, doesn't go to the coronavirus task force meetings, and he watches a whole lot of TV. Oh yeah, and he's on the phone making surely indispensable phone calls a whole lot, which new chief of staff Mark Meadows and other White House idiots told the New York Post makes him an essential worker. (It does not.)

On Friday, Trump's briefing was blissfully short, and America was able to enter its quarantined weekend without the blunt-force trauma of seeing that stupid fucker's face on TV for two solid hours. And then this weekend, they just kinda didn't do briefings. Again, a net positive for America! There is zero information imparted in the briefings that can't be just reported in the news, and we don't need the fucking useless White House coronavirus task force to comfort us.

Of course, Donald Trump can't be starved of attention that long, so expect briefing hell to start again sometime very soon. (How is this afternoon for you? Kayleigh McEnany says this afternoon.)

As for this weekend, well, Donald Trump is VERY UPSET about that New York Times report about what a lazyass he is, so he demonstrated his commitment to hard work by, um, tweeting a lot.

Literally no one says that.

He followed up with a real whiny-ass thread.

Angrily eating a hamburger and Diet Coke in his bedroom? Sounds like somebody still got some hurt feelings about this right here:


So that's very stable genius behavior. But don't think the very serious president's big weekend of working hardly was over just because he sent those tweets. He sent other tweets too.

Like this one, where Trump whined and tried to pretend he doesn't need his bleachy press conferences, YOU need his bleachy press conferences, but you don't even deserve them, so he is quitting them because he WANTS to:


He thanked Colorado for sending Dear Leader very nice thank-you notes for the ventilators he personally got for them. He bragged more than once about our (Shitty Loser McSad) coronavirus testing program. He even RTed the CDC saying DON'T EAT BLEACH, so clearly he's pretty stung by #BleachGate.

Then back to the whining. You see, he didn't say coronavirus is a hoax, he said that Democrats pointing out what a shitty fucking job he is doing responding to it is a hoax. And also he confirmed that he still believes the pandemic will end in a miracle.

He whined the same whine approximately seven hours later.

He whined about the Wall Street Journal, and he lied and said his Nobody Loves Me, Everybody Hates Me, Guess We Should All Inject Bleach comments on Thursday were not directed to Dr. Deborah Birx, and that it was fake news to say otherwise.

We guess the Fake News just got "corrupt and sick" when he was talking about curing coronavirus with intravenous tanning beds and he said "Deborah," like a common person who was talking to Deborah, at which point Deborah responded, like a common Deborah.

TRUMP: I would like you to speak to the medical doctors to see if there's any way that you can apply light and heat to cure. You know? If you could? And maybe you can, maybe you can't. Again, I say maybe you can, maybe you can't. I'm not a doctor. But I'm a person that has a good… You know what. Deborah, have you ever heard of that? The heat and the light relative to certain viruses, yes, but relative to this virus?

On Sunday, Trump wished his wife a happy birthday, just a couple hours before he began the whine about how hard he really works. He whined that reports of Health and Human Services Secretary Alex Azar's impending quit-firing are fake news, before praising Azar, so we're penciling in that quit-firing for Friday at the latest.

Oh, and you heard that he's still extremely upset that he doesn't have a "Noble Prize," right?

OK, so Sunday afternoon, President Speak & Spell went on this stupid long-ass rant about the "Noble Committee," because he was upset about "reporters" getting "Noble Prizes" for "their work on Russia, Russia, Russia, only to have been proven totally wrong (and, in fact, it was the other side who committed the crimes)." (Aside from a story here and there, the reporters did not get it wrong, and the "other side" did not commit the crimes, President I-Would-Like-You-To-Do-Us-A-Favor-Though.) He wants "Nobles" given to "REAL REPORTERS & JOURNALISTS who got it right," and offered to send the "Noble Committee" a list. He wanted to know when the "Noble Committee" would "DEMAND the Prizes back," since they were "gotten under fraud."

"When will the Noble Committee act? Better be fast!" concluded Trump.

It was so fucking unhinged. Here are screenshots:

It's only screenshots because Trump deleted all the tweets, then hilariously tried to claim he MEANT to misspell "Nobel" a hundred times in a row, not because he is the literal stupidest person in the world and because he was in such a rage that he didn't even notice all the Deep State spell-check squigglies calling him an idiot before he hit "send." He claimed his misspelling was a clever joke we did not understand!

Mmhmm. "Sarcasm." Like when he "sarcastically" wondered whether people should inject bleach into their lungs to treat COVID-19. Yep.

The rest of Trump's weekend was spent retweeting random nobody MAGA trolls and Dan Bongino and Candace Owens and Kayleigh McEnany. He RTed Fox idiot Maria Bartiromo saying her very good and real Fox News sources say Michael Flynn will be TOTALLY EXONERATED this week. He RTed some wingnut pundit asswipe who says there have been "three failed coup attempts," and asking if "these lunatics wouldn't inflate the morality rates" to hurt Trump. (COVID-19 has killed more Americans in two months than the number of American soldiers who died in Vietnam. That we know of. So far.)

He retweeted this unclever deepfake of Joe Biden, from a Twitter user who appears to have changed their display name to "Trump and Biden are rapey." At press time, the retweet is still there.

Finally, Trump approvingly RTed the biggest idiot of them all, himself, adding his own commentary to the original tweet like he was talking to his only friend:

Never in the history of the world has there been a more pathetic leader, or a more pathetic man.

Are there Monday morning tweets? Of course there are Monday morning tweets! But fuck it, we have shared enough.

Like we said at the beginning, you might feel lonely and cooped up and frustrated and scared right now, and so do we. But if it helps, just breathe in and breathe out and recite the most Namaste greeting we know right now, which is "Donald Trump is SO FUCKING MISERABLE."

See? You feel better now.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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