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Shy worked hard on this.See musical version here.


As we mentioned this morning, poor ol' Mitch McConnell took it kind of personally that the mean old Democrats, whom he excluded from having any input into his secret plans to murder the Affordable Care Act, refused to take part in the Republican reindeer games. Not that they were invited, but the whole thing just struck him as terribly unfair. People on Twitter couldn't help but notice ol' Mitch crying like a common Boehner:

Or maybe like a common Schumer, since for a while Trump tried to accuse Chuck Schumer of crying fake tears over those dumb refugees excluded by the Glorious Travel Ban, as if refugees were even worth feeling anything over. Some wondered whether Trump would mock McConnell's tears, others were simply in wonder at a man who would tear up because he couldn't deprive people of life-saving healthcare:

We're not sure that's really fair. Are you surprised at Mitch's tears? Strong men also cry:

Strong men. Also cry.

And then there was immigrant-hating, poor-people-hating, non-European-people-hating bag of mostly rotted cantaloupe Steve King, representative of the Great State of Iowa, who sharted out his own angry statement of blamerage. You know he means it when his own dumb press release has the headline "King Blasts Senate ObamaCare Vote" -- that, or he's aiming at media outlets which might not think of such a great action verb as "blasts" without a little help:

You have to feel for King. Nausea, for instance, is something you might choose to feel. That darned old Obamacare never should have been a law in the first place, winning by only "one vote" as it did (that "one vote" was 60-39), because Al Franken was not legitimately elected. As everyone knows, Franken actually lost to Lizard People.

And then there's Lisa Murkowski, whose legitimacy is also dubious, since she was appointed to her seat by her dad, which, while legal, is the kind of nepotism that is reserved solely for nephews, and then she went and defied the will of the people by refusing to stay dead after losing the 2010 Teabagger Primary. She ran a write-in campaign that was probably tipped with those illegal immigrants Alaska is notorious for, and despite losing the Republican primary, took office as a Republican after winning the general election on a technicality -- more people voted for her than the official Republican candidate. How is that even fair?

Then there's John McCain, whose vote is almost certainly invalid since he knew what it was going to be even before the roll call. What the hell is wrong with our once-great country? And why do these morons keep forgetting to go all Mean Girls on Susan Collins, who is every bit as much a traitor to the great Republican cause of leaving millions without healthcare?

And finally, there was the president of the United States, who thinks that if only there were no filibuster, the ACA could have magically been repealed, even though no version of the Senate bill ever got 50 votes:

As with his confused relationship with time and his odd ideas about what a "majority" is, we sometimes worry that this Donald Trump is not actually from our Earth, but was perhaps dumped into a human body by beings from a non-Euclidean universe where time, math, and even language work differently. Most likely they were just plain sick of his shit.

Yr Wonkette is not sick of your shit. But if you could get it together enough to make a donation using the "Donate" clicky below, we'd be very pleased. Thanks!

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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Even Dinsdale was frightened of Doug ... He used sarcasm. He knew all the tricks: dramatic irony, metaphor, bathos, puns, parody, litotes and satire.

Yr Wonkette is no stranger to the double-edged weapon of sarcasm, we'll admit. OR WILL WE? It's part of our postmodern toolkit, with which we seek to undermine patriotism, faith, the free market, the family, and ultimately America itself. Duh. But we would never be so naive as to think we have a monopoly on irony and sarcasm, oh no, far from it. This week, we dip into the sludge of deletia for some brilliant examples of cutting rightwing wit turned back on us, with devastating results. Hope you're not all TRIGGERED so much you have to go find a SAFE SPACE, libs!

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This weekend, hundreds of people are gathering in Denver, Colorado for the 2018 Flat Earth Conference -- two whole days of people with suspiciously Andy Warhol-like hair yelling "Where's the curve?!?" and talking about ice walls -- and we are missing out! Flat earthers are kind of the best of all conspiracy theorists, because aside from a few fascists and anti-Semites in the mix, they are mostly harmless cranks who just want to feel like they are way smarter than all of the scientists. As far as I know, believing in a Flat Earth, while stupid, has never hurt anyone -- which is honestly kind of refreshing these days!

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