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The pope has changed my life!


Oh hi, Wonkers! Did you miss the BIG BREAKING NEWS about how John Boehner is going away? Yes, it is hilarious, and yes, yr Wonkette understands that his replacement will be far worse, but just in case the end of Boehner's reign in Congress also spells the end of us getting to see his weepy man face all the time, let's use this week's top ten to revisit some of our favorites, mixed in with the week's top stories and the housekeeping we always have to do on Sunday, SINCE YOU PEOPLE ARE SO FUCKING MESSY.

Oh here's a Boehner pic!

Okay, as to our housekeeping, the Wonkette Primary is still going on, and if you've already voted, that's okay, VOTE AGAIN, WITH YOUR DOLLARS! If you don't remember, the way you vote is to buy all the t-shirts of the Democratic presidential candidate you love the best. If you are sexxxed up for Hillary, then buy the sexxxy Hitlery t-shirt you see below! If you feel the same sexxxy sensations, but for Bernie Sanders instead, then buy HIS t-shirt! Wasn't that easy? Now you are wearing clothes, whereas when you started this post, you were not.

Don't you want to buy this right now? YES, YOU DO!

Okay, one more thing before stories. GIVE US MONEY NOW. We do the internet writing for you each and every week, sometimes until Holy Shit O'Clock in the evening, and we never sleep. So please to give us $5, so we can keep being so great. Wasn't that easy? Your moneys will be spent very wisely, we promise!

John Boehner won't stop crying unless you donate dollars to yr Wonkette. OR WILL HE?

Okay, here are the top ten stories of the week, chosen as usual by science. Maybe you are reading them the first time! Maybe you are John Boehner and you can't read anything due to how your eyes are filled with tears!

1. We're already doing Boehner crying pics, but if you need MORE, your top story of the week, by far, was Wonkette's photo gallery of Boehner crying all over the pope.

2. Know that thing about how Carly Fiorina is a liar? She is a liar, and everybody knows it. Even Fox News.

3. Hey, great news! TLC is going to put the Duggars on the TV some more, so they can continue to perv up our TV screens! What kind of scandals will they think of next?

4. Oh, the fateful day we met Martin Shkreli, the biggest douchebag pharma CEO in all of U.S. America. That was your number four story!

5. Remember how we told you a million times that dumb a-hole Scott Walker will never be president? It's true!

Halfway through! Let's look at another John Boehner cry-face:

6. Dumb Tennessee Republicans have a new plan to ban gay marriage. Surprise, it is a really dumb plan.

7. Bristol Palin is in seventh place for the second week in a row! Poor Bristol, she is such A Idiot. Anyway, this week it's because she's so GRRRR MAD at Obama for doing something he didn't even do, GRRRRRR.

8. There was an update on the story about the douchebag pharma CEO, who has a very punchy face. He said he would "drop" the price of the AIDS drug. By how much? Who knows? Is he still an asshole? AYUP.

9. Ted Cruz sure wishes the pope shared his fetish for killing people.

10. And finally, the number ten story is about how the pope makes wingnuts sad, in their no-no places, because he doesn't pamper to their insatiable hunger for bigotry and stupidity. AWWWWW, sorry wingnuts, New Pope kinda hates your guts.

So there you go, Wonkers. Those are your winning stories. They are very good stories! In honor of them, here is a picture of John Boehner holding his monkey:

Remember, we are also at your service on the Facebooks, the Twitters, and the Tumblrs! And the Flipboard! Wonkette is all the places, and all the places are Wonkette.

Oh and because why not, follow your individual Wonkettes on the Twitter, because that is a nice thing to do. We are at @KailiJoy, @DoktorZoom, @EvanHurst,  @shypixel, and @commiegirl1, which is your lovely Editrix.

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Then, you should sign up for the Wonkette newsletter, so that you can get a secret gay love note from your Wonkette every day! (Mostly.)

OH, and did you know you can buy more sexy Wonkette apparel in the Wonkette online swag emporium? Yes you can! You know about the Hillary and Bernie t-shirts, but there are also Bernie Sanders coffee cups, and also things with Elizabeth Warren and Joe Biden on them, and also panties with teeth. For bigger-bodied Wonkers, we now have 4XL sizes on the Bernie t-shirt!

Again, your Wonkette loves you very much! If you missed your opportunity above, don’t even worry about doing hard stuff like scrolling up. You can just click THIS link and give us $5. Or you can give us more, we are not opposed to that!

One last Boehner pic? Of course we will! Here's one of him making out with you, through your computer screen. Ooh, you like that, ooh:

Dirty mouth!

Okay, we're going to go lay around and watch football now. See you Monday!

Love,

Wonket

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Fellow Wonkers, this last week of horror has been wearing on us all, because here we are in a world where the "president" of the United States has ordered that migrant children be taken away from their parents at the border, and is simultaneously proud of it (for his base) and cravenly blaming it on Democrats because even he knows it's morally reprehensible. But what the hell can we do about it, we are all keening, beyond calling our senators and representatives and posting sadness on Twitter, the latter of which is of dubious utility to anyone, and mostly depressing?

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There are perks to being the only Harvard professor willing to shill for the Bush League Mussolini. Everyone else has to haul ass to the Fox studio and sit for hair and makeup. Not Alan Dershowitz! He just parks his laptop in Pee Wee's playhouse and Skypes in that rant. Is he even wearing pants? We hope never to find out!

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