Let's Give Joe Biden A Hug And Leave Him The F*ck Alone Now

Joe Biden is not running for president. Contrary to Anonymous Sources and People Involved and Internet Rumors and Some Saying and Maureen Dowd, the vice president announced on Wednesday that he will not Run Joe Run, nor be Draft Bidened.

Speaking from the Rose Garden, with his wife, Jill, and his buddy Barack (you know, the president) at his side, Old Handsome Joe reminded us, in his gentle loving uncle way, that his son Beau just died in May, from cancer, and his family has been grieving. And is still grieving. Because it just happened. [contextly_sidebar id="uZUENR1quVwEyi9nGFrRonoQlXyN5nqB"] So, for the love of Joe, y'all can leave him alone now, and allow him to give some speeches and shake some hands and do other vice presidential things, and stop demanding that he spend the next year kissing a butter cow in Iowa and debating the merits of the metric system with Lincoln Chafee. And you, Ted Cruz, can still fuck right off with your Biden jokes.


"While I will not be a candidate," he said, "I will not be silent." He promised to speak about "where we stand as a party" and the direction of the country.

I believe that President Obama has led this nation from crisis to recovery, and we're now on the cusp of resurgence. And I'm proud to have played a part in that.

It would be a "tragic mistake" to "attempt to undo the Obama legacy." He didn't specifically say Obamacare, cough cough, or marriage equality, ahem, or trying to get the hell out of the Middle East instead of diving back in -- but we're pretty sure we know how to read between Biden's lines.

"Democrats should not only defend this record, and protect this record," he advised, "they should run on the record."

Biden seemed to endorse, without mentioning any names or anything, Bernie Sanders's proposal for free college education -- "We need to commit to 16 years of free public education for all our children" -- and Hillary Clinton's proposals for expanding access to childcare and early education. He didn't endorse anything Martin O'Malley has strummed his guitar about, maybe because screw him for bashing olds.

And then Joe Biden got real personal.

"I believe we need a moon shot in this country to cure cancer," he said. "It's personal. But I believe we can do this."

Biden spoke at length about finding a cure for cancer, and man, it really bummed us all out because it was so obvious that despite his incredible optimism and his literally incredible ability to get out of bed every day and keep living his life, he is, above all else, a grieving father who has somehow survived more tragedies than any human being is physically capable of withstanding. That's a science fact.

Because Joe Biden is some kind of super-human, however, he does it. And he even ended his speech with the kind of amazesauce awesomeballs optimism we love about him.

"Most of all, I believe there's unlimited possibilities for this country,” he said. "I am absolutely certain we are fully capable of accomplishing extraordinary things. we can do this. And when we do, America won't just win the future, we will own the finish line."

And then he thanked everyone (but not you, Ted Cruz) for supporting him and his family through their grief, and then he hugged the president, and now we all have something in our eyes.


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