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F'real, Huckabee?!?!


Oh hi there! Sorry to interrupt you vacuuming your cat or whatever it is you do on Sunday afternoons, but we have to count down the top ten posts of the week, so your cat will have to wait. A lot of the top stories this week are about Mike Huckabee, and how out of all the Republicans running for president, he's really the only one capable of making us seethe. Ted Cruz? Awwwww, he tries, but at the end of the day you just want to pinch his evil, dumb nose and say, "You're not good enough." But you see that face Wonkette Baby is making right there? That is the face yr Wonkette makes about Mike Huckabee.

We'll get to the top ten posts in a second, but first, some housekeeping. The Wonkette Primary is still going on, and if you've already voted, that's okay, VOTE SO MANY MORE TIMES! If you don't remember, the way you vote is to buy all the t-shirts of the Democratic presidential candidate you love the best. If you are sexxxed up for Hillary, then buy the sexxxy Hitlery t-shirt you see below! If you feel the same sexxxy sensations, but for Bernie Sanders instead, then buy HIS t-shirt! If you are feeling aroused by Jim Webb, GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

Don't you want to buy this right now? YES, YOU DO!

Okay, one more thing before stories. GIVE US MONEY NOW. We do the internet writing for you each and every week, and we do it better than the New York TimesSo please to give us $5, so we can keep being so great that random Times writers feel the need to piss on us, just because they're so unspeakably sad about what losers they are. Wasn't that easy? Your moneys will be spent very wisely, and probably not even on drugs! Anyway, GIVE US YOUR MONEY.

Oh look, it's Wonkette baby again, right after the donation paragraph. How does she always get in there????

Okay, here are the top ten stories of the week, chosen as usual by science. Maybe you are reading them the first time. Share them with your social media people or LARP-ing groups!

1. Yeah, Mike Huckabee makes us MAD. Your number one story of the week is how Huck said, well, if the Supreme Court gay marriage decision counts, then so does Dred Scott, so have fun with that, The Blacks! Mike Huckabee is a real asshole, y'all.

2. Coming in at number two is that homeschool mommy lady who's real upset about all the "Muslim indoctrination" at the Tennessee school where her kids don't attend. Remember her? Of course you do! Bonus: Dok lovingly reviewed that batshit lady's batshit children's book, for your enjoyment.

3. Mike Huckabee, AGAIN. This time it was his fucking ridiculous wish to go to jail in Kim Davis's place, as if that's an option. We WISH he would go to jail or go to hell, or just get out of our face in some way, but it doesn't work that way.

4. Pat Robertson called Kim Davis a whore. 'Nuff said. Note to wingnuts on Twitter: the fact that Robertson didn't say the specific words, "Kim Davis is a whore," does not detract from how that was the overall thrust of what he was saying.

5. That dumb Duggar girl, the "Jill" one, is a missionary in Central America or something. OR IS SHE? Is she just taking her donations and spending them on Duggar drugs and side-hugging vacations? We wonksplored for you.

6. Mike Huckabee, ALSO TOO. This time it was how he really didn't appreciate Ted Cruz trying to ride his coattails as he saved Kim Davis from whatever punishment was surely awaiting her. Probably crucifixion, or maybe just more jail time, for refusing to do her fucking job.

7. There's no Deleted Comments this week, because Dok reviewed the Stumpy Squirrel Jesus Book for kids, but that's okay, your number seven story is Deleted Comments from last week!

8. Here's an Oregon judge who won't be marrying any of the homosexuals any time soon, but he sure does have a rad picture of Hitler!

9. Fox News had thoughts on Kim Davis. They were not stupid thoughts, for once! In fact, we actually found a segment from "The O'Reilly Factor" interesting, and then we threw up forever, because we never thought we'd say that.

10. And finally, your number ten story, because the New York Times tried to start shit with yr Wonkette, obviously because it is oblivious to the Golden Rule, which is DON'T START NO SHIT, WON'T BE NO SHIT. Alas, we had to respond, and it was lovely, like it always is when yr Wonkettes write words.

So there you go, Wonkers. Those are your winning stories. Make up hand motions and act them out for your ferrets or whatever.

Remember, we are also at your service on the Facebooks, the Twitters, and the Tumblrs! And the Flipboard! Wonkette is all the places, and all the places are Wonkette.

Oh and because why not, follow your individual Wonkettes on the Twitter, because that is a nice thing to do. We are at @KailiJoy, @DoktorZoom, @EvanHurst,  @shypixel, and @commiegirl1, which is your lovely Editrix.

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Then, you should sign up for the Wonkette newsletter, so that you can get a secret gay love note from your Wonkette every day! (Mostly.)

OH, and did you know you can buy more sexy Wonkette apparel in the Wonkette online swag emporium? Yes you can! There are Bernie Sanders t-shirts and Bernie Sanders coffee cups, and also things with Elizabeth Warren and Joe Biden on them, and also panties with teeth. For bigger-bodied Wonkers, we now have 4XL sizes on the Bernie t-shirt!

Again, your Wonkette loves you very much! If you missed your opportunity above, don’t even worry about doing hard stuff like scrolling up. You can just click THIS link and give us $5. Or you can give us more, we are not opposed to that!

Okay, going to see the OTHER Wonkette baby, the "my niece" one, who is not so much a "Wonkette baby" as a "Wonkette toddler" now. See?

All the Wonkette-adjacent children are gorgeous, as God intended.

Love,

Wonket

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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