Let's Have Dumb Old Kirk Cameron Tell Us How To Romance Our Christian Wives
Not no more
Let's get one thing out of the way: Kirk Cameron is cute. This is why it such a screaming shame he fell in with the wrong crowd and became a creationist dickweasel fundamentalist Christian. And he dragged his dumb sister into temptation with him, and now look at what she's become. Pfffffft, these people.
[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/548525/full-house-child-star-candace-cameron-bure-gets-kinky-and-submissive-for-jesus"></a>[/wonkbar]But hey, maybe he has some Good Advice for how to spice things up in our holy matrimonial heterosexual fuck dungeons! Or maybe he just wants to tell ladies it doesn't matter if he's beating you, because it's probably not your fault for submitting the right way.
Let's dive in:
"A lot of people don't know that marriage comes with instructions," Cameron explained. "And, we find them right there in God's word."
Can we dive back out and say fuck this? GRRRRRR. OK, cool, marriage instructions are in the Bible. We know according to Leviticus we aren't supposed to make whoopee upon our wife during her monthly visit from Aunt Flo, because the Bible says that's EW YUCK.
But Kirk Cameron knows some other parts of the Bible that have good advice too:
Cameron stated that husbands are "to love their wives and not to tell their wives that they need to submit to them," and added that wives are to respect and follow their husband's lead.
"Wives are to honor and respect and follow their husband's lead, not to tell their husband how he ought to be a better husband," Cameron explained. "When each person gets their part right, regardless of how their spouse is treating them, there is hope for real change in their marriage."
OK, we used to be an evangelical (WHOA IF TRUE, and it is true!) so we can interpret this and tell y'all right where it leaves sanity behind and takes a nosedive into Fuckoff Canyon. There is this thing in evangelical circles, about how the godless secular world is all obsessed with these Bible verses from Ephesians:
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
This was written by Paul, who got affirmative actioned into the Bible for reasons we do not know. But corny evangelicals are like, "You silly geese! You're not reading the whole passage!" And they are correct when they say that, because there are some more verses:
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
See? A good Christian wife is supposed to do what
Jesus Daddy Husband says, but Husband is supposed to care for her SO GOOD JUST LIKE JESUS, and pastors preach a million goddamned sermons a year on how if everybody is doing their role correctly, then Bible marriage is balls-out ridonkulously amazing.
[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/586401/how-not-to-counsel-your-daughters-when-theyve-been-molested-by-josh-duggar"></a>[/wonkbar]SPOILER: It doesn't always work out that way! Because it gets drilled into little girls' heads that they are to be submissive, and that, if bad things are happening to them (like maybe their husbands are beating or raping them, even though religious right matriarch Phyllis Schlafly says marital rape doesn't exist, because she is an asshole), it's probably partially their fault anyway. That's why the "regardless of how their spouse is treating them" is where Cameron's message gets squicky, gross, misogynistic and bad.
And then, when spooge-nuggets like these people are able to influence public policy, you end up with laws like the thing in Mississippi that says domestic violence is not considered valid grounds for divorce.
[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/597235/anna-duggar-pretty-sure-jesus-will-keep-it-in-joshs-pants-from-now-on"></a>[/wonkbar]As Horus Gilgamesh over at Patheos points out, Kirk Cameron has actually said he wants his daughters to be like the Duggar girls. You remember them, right? Remember how Anna Duggar is still submitting to her marriage to Pervert McJizzstain Josh Duggar, who fingered his family and had to go to sex rehab because he couldn't stop rage-fucking porn stars?
PLEASE, for the love of God, tell us more about how awesome this whole set-up for marriage is.
On second, thought ... Hey Kirk Cameron, why don't you go suck a buttplug? Thanks.