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Let's Imagine: Michele Bachmann Advises Donald Trump On Foreign Policy

Elections

Artist's depiction


The helicopter soared over the Minnesota woods like a huge machine designed for that purpose. Inside were Donald J. Trump and his pilot, Golden Pilot, a gold plated human pilot who was very expensive.

“Golden Pilot,” said Trump.

“Yes, Mr. Trump?” replied the pilot.

“Nothing,” said Trump. “I was just saying ‘Golden Pilot’ because that’s why I have a Golden Pilot. So I can say its name.”

They flew in silence for a time.

“I think that’s it, down there,” said Golden Pilot. He pointed to a lake below them.

“Set us down in that clearing, my beautiful Golden Pilot,” said Trump.

The big chopper came down ponderously, but not too ponderously because it landed fine. Golden Pilot cut the motor and the sound that happens when someone turns off a helicopter happened. Trump waited until the blades had stopped spinning to egress. He waited not out of concern for his hair blowing around in the downdraft (he had the utmost faith in his hair), but to keep his cheeks from flapping like a wacky loser. He had his dignity.

But he had a problem, too: Foreign policy. People were saying it was one of his biggest weaknesses, apart from domestic policy, intellect, impulse control, and general demeanor. So here he was, sitting in a turned off helicopter by a lake in Minnesota, about to fix it.

Presently, he did egress and strode toward the lake, and in doing so also strode toward the person who was to meet him there, he hoped.

Through a thin stand of reeds he espied a figure standing in the lake. Water was up to its knees. Its back was to him.

Trump parted the reeds with hands that were average sized and not too abnormal looking at all. He was not sure if he should speak, so he spoke:

“Michele?” he said.

“This is Michele,” said the figure without turning. “Wait!” the figure then ejaculated. “Do you mean Michelle with two L’s, or Michele with one L?”

“Ah, I think one L?” replied Trump.

“Then that’s probably me,” said the figure, and finally she turned to face him. “Donald!” she ejaculated upon recognizing her visitor.

“Hi Michele,” said Trump. “How are you?”

“Cold,” replied Michele.

“Well, you’re standing in a lake out in these woods, and it’s getting dark,” observed Trump.

“Yes,” observed Michele.

They stood in silence for a time.

“So Michele, I wanted to come out here to talk about foreign policy. You mentioned you knew some things about it. What are the things you knew? Help me.”

This was uncharacteristic for Donald J. Trump: to be parting reeds with his normal hands to tell a woman to help him, and the woman’s standing in a lake. But these were uncharacteristic times. Trump was accustomed to everything he did coming out fine without him putting in any real work because he was born rich. But running for president was proving to be different. If this lake-dwelling female could help him, he would demand that she help him.

“Falling poverty,” said Michele.

“No, foreign policy,” corrected Trump.

“Foreign policy,” said Michele, satisfied. “I remember foreign policy. Radical Islam,” she said.

“I know that,” said Trump.

“If the president says, ‘radical Islam,’ that is the main thing,” explained Michele.

“Of course,” said Trump.

“If he says that, it just…” She trailed off.

“Absolutely,” said Trump.

“So that’s covered. Next thing, illegal immigrations. Those are foreign policies,” declaimed Michele.

“We’re going to build a wall, and we’re going to send the illegals out,” said Trump.

“That’s a good foreign policy,” marveled Michele.

“I know,” said Trump. He was becoming irritated. The semiaquatic stateswoman wasn’t telling him anything he didn’t already know. He continued: “Tell me something I don’t already know.”

“There was something about the United Nations, and vaccines,” said Michele. “Both are bad. I said this. I remember. Say this!”

“Both are bad,” agreed Trump. This was going nowhere. “Anything else?”

“Light bulbs,” said Michele. “These are a conspiracy.”

“Okay, thanks Michele,” said Trump. “That’s good stuff. I have to be going, thanks.”

Trump turned to leave, allowing the reeds to unbend back to being straight up and down.

“Wait!” Michele cried. “Are you just going to leave me here?”

“Yes,” said Trump.

“Thank you,” said Michele.

Trump strode back to his sky conveyance and did ingress. Golden Pilot was waiting at the controls.

“How was your meeting with the lady who will save your campaign?” asked the gilded aviator as he made the sounds of a helicopter turning on come out of the helicopter.

“Bad,” Trump said. “She just told me things I was already doing.”

“Maybe that’s good,” offered Golden Pilot. “Maybe it means you’re doing everything right already.”

“You know what, Golden Pilot? You’re right. I did it. My campaign is saved!” hollered Donald J. Trump as he ascended to the heavens. He considered adding another comb vector to his hairstyle in celebration, then laughed at his foolishness. I’m not a kid anymore, he reminded himself. But he pretty much was, except for looking old.

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I'd mentioned this week that there's definitely probably a tape out there of Donald Trump referring to a black person as a "nigger," because Trump is a racist and that's sort of what they do. Sarah Huckabee Sanders won't even affirmatively deny such a tape exists, and she's from the "two plus two equals five" school of communications management. I also speculated that once the tape was released, Republican supporters of the president would flock to defend his vile words: "Hey, if you rearrange the letters in "nigger," you get "ginger" and who doesn't like redheads and the occasional Dark 'n' Stormy?"

The shameful display has already started and the supposed recording isn't even available for pre-order on iTunes. George State Senator Michael Williams stated in appearance on CNN's "New Day Saturday" that if Trump -- who's the president, by the way -- did say "nigger," it would certainly concern him as an "individual" but "not necessarily as a person that is running our country." So, uh, what the hell is that? This has been a standard argument from Republicans ever since Trump crawled his way out of the sewers of birtherism and onto a major political stage: "We think Trump is a terrible human being -- seriously, we have to shower immediately after meeting with him -- but we still think he's a suitable steward of the most powerful nation on the planet."

Normally, you'd think this would work the other way. You know, your brother-in-law is a nice enough guy. Your sister certainly could've done worse. You don't mind the slightly rambling sports-ball discussions with him at family gatherings. He's good for looking after the kids (as long as your sister is present or reachable by cell), but you'd never invest your hard-earned money into whatever half-assed business venture he's trying to get off the ground nor would you back his run for any serious political office.

I've long had issues with the "brilliant asshole" archetype in TV and movies. It's almost always a white male (because women and minorities must be perfect) whose emotional immaturity and overall jerkass behavior we're told to overlook because they're so goshdarned awesome. Do you want some PC "cuck" or do you want Dr. House to figure out that the MS symptoms you're suffering are really just because you ate a stale doughnut? Sherlock Holmes doesn't have time for your feelings or social niceties -- not while he's solving mysteries and being dreamy.

Trump, however, isn't "brilliant." He's just a guy who says "nigger." They're hardly a scarcity in the market. You don't even have to venture out to a klan rally to find one. You can order online -- same day social media delivery.

Williams argues that Trump didn't use the word "nigger" when he was in the "office of the president." It was just some youthful indiscretion when he was almost 60. I don't even know where he's going with this. Does he think Trump has changed? He routinely insults and belittles black people. He also calls black NFL players who peacefully protest "sons of bitches." Was that his way of weaning off calling us "niggers"? Has he been wearing a "nigger" patch on his arm to control his cravings for the racial epithet?

"He used the word in his personal life," Williams said. (It was actually in a workplace context -- SER) "Now if he were president and were to go on TV and use the n-word, I'd have a major problem with that."

media.giphy.com

It's heartening repulsive to see that Williams draws the line at Trump holding an official "nigger" press conference. I think once we reach that point, Trump will probably also reveal that his buddies on the Supreme Court discovered a typo in the Thirteenth Amendment and black folks' work-life balance will start to really suffer.

"I will always say using the n-word is wrong, and it's bad, and should never be accepted in our society. But just because (Trump) might have done it years ago, not as our president, doesn't mean we need to continue to berate him because he used it," GOP state Sen. Michael Williams, who is white, told CNN's Victor Blackwell on "New Day Saturday."

Blackwell, who is black, had to sit there and listen to this crap from a white elected official who is just 45 years old. You know, the word "nigger" doesn't even appear in the Dred Scott decision, for example, but that's not necessary for reasonable people to understand that it was racist as hell. We all know Trump is racist, but now Republicans can't even repudiate the worst demonstrations of his racial animus. The first black president hasn't even been out of office for two full years and already "nigger" is being redefined. What would once end a campaign in its tracks when Blackwell and I were growing up is now just an "oops, my bad."

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Conservatives want to be oppressed. Or, rather, for everyone to think they are being oppressed and to then give them what they see as the impunity and moral upper hand that comes along with being an oppressed group of people. They want it very, very badly and think it is very unfair that all the people they have oppressed have this privilege and they do not. This morning, Trump took to Twitter to vow to protect them from the worst kind of oppression of all -- imaginary social media censorship!

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