Let's Learn From Our Stupid Advertiser How To Hide Guns From The Government
In this case, you should be scared that the government is going to take away your guns, as a prominently featured Wonkette advertisement has been telling you they will. You need to HIDE THEM NOW, it says, because socialism.
Official Wonket policy, in addition to supporting the Loch Ness Monster, is to disallow ads of only one and a half kinds: from the NRA, and from survivalist hide-your-guns-to-shoot-the-black-zombies bullshit artists. Does Mitt Romney want to buy an ad? Fantastic. How about NAMBLA? MAYBE! (Okay, not really, so two and a half kinds.) But Our Editrix reports that the ad company keeps putting them on the website despite having been yelled at many times about it, so we get to make fun of it.
If you go to the website it links to, you will find a calm, cogent explanation about how Hitler was a bad dude, or something. It then talks about how there are robbers everywhere, and you need to hide your guns from them. Then there are allusions to "domestic tyranny" and how "certain influential people want to take away your guns."
If we assume the fella who is making money off of this rhetoric is talking about Obama, then we can also assume he's aware that he's completely full of shit. Obama is pushing for an assault weapons ban and improvements to the background check system — neither of which would affect the people burrowing rifle-cubbies into their La-Z-Boys.
As for the executive orders, you can read them on the internet! There are 23 of them, and none of them has any direct effect on actual guns. There are six to modify background-check infrastructure, one to nominate an ATF director (for the first time in SIX YEARS), two for school emergency plans, and one to — indeed — provide incentives for schools to put armed "school resource officers" in facilities.
Quick review, in case you dozed off: Not a single syllable of Obama's "sweeping" gun-control plan includes taking anything away from anybody.
Great. Now we can move on to the email list that you can sign up for on this website! We have signed up for the list, in the name of Journalism, and we have received several alarming missives, including one with the subject line "[BREAKING] Your Guns Are Now Government Property."
The U.S. Government is threatening to take away our second amendment rights.
They want to relieve us of our firearms in order to avoid tragedy and create a safer environment.
What do you plan to do about it?
Then, they try to sell you an ebook:
You could go out and read EVERY source ever written on creating a weapons cache, spend HOURS interviewing insiders, and actually go out in the field and find this stuff like I have.
And I'll bet $100 you'll learn something that will get you caught in real life.
Well what can I do? You really sell an ebook about how I can hide my guns? Oh, darn. It's $47.
Wait! It's cut to $27!
Wait! It's cut to $7! Purchased.
But we cannot read the book yet! First we were forced to watch a video, in which an ominous voice read black text displayed on a white background, about how we need survival food, but we can't tell the neighbors. It was still going when we closed the damn window five minutes later, and found a link to the book sitting in our inbox!
Inside the site, we found other ebooks, like "How To Make And Use Primitive Weapons," "How To Make Money After Crisis," and "Bartering With Desperate People," which, in all honesty, sound awesome. But we are here for the gun-hiding, the ebook of which we are not sharing here, because that would be stealing. We can, however, tell you where the prepper geniuses might be hiding their bang-machines, if they follow the secret prepper instructions:
- Under the couch.
- Inside a couch cushion.
- In a drawer, under a piece of wood.
- Inside a hollowed-out book
- Under the bathroom sink
There are more, but this is proprietary, and we wouldn't want to totally ruin it for the people plotting to get around government regulation by duct-taping a Glock 19 to the inside of a toilet tank.
Oh, wait. Sorry, they also recommend you remove your car's passenger airbag and put a gun there instead, so that kind of has to be included too. SORRY PASSENGER, SUCKS TO BE YOU.
Remember, folks: Obama is taking your guns AS WE SPEAK, and the only thing to do is hide them under your furniture, because someone, somewhere, will be trying to scare you to make some money. At least in this case that Someone is NRA approved. For freedom.