baby has a upset

We apologize for that absolutely inane headline, which we only deployed to force you to give us all your HAWT CLICKS. But we just saw this thing in Buzzfeed about how an unnamed "official" said Secretary of State Rex Tillerson's job is safe, even though he obviously thinks Donald Trump is a fucking imbecile and won't deny calling Trump a "moron," because of a "suicide pact" he is in with two other Trump cabinet members, and something about it just seems ... off:

One US official expressed confidence in Tillerson's status due to a so-called "suicide pact" forged between Defense Secretary James Mattis, Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin, and Tillerson, whereby all three cabinet secretaries vow to leave in the event that the president makes moves against one of them.

A "suicide pact"? With those guys? Like, we know Mattis and John Kelly made a pact that they'd never be out of the country at the same time, because somebody always needs to be close by to jam a pacifier in Trump's maw-hole and give him a ducky to play with, in case he's threatening to nuke the world over his hurt feelings. It's not the "pact" that we're skeptical of, it's HOW IS THAT GRIFTY TRASHBALL STEVEN MNUCHIN IN IT? Did Buzzfeed simply spell "John Kelly" wrong?

Pffffffft, Mnuchin would never go through with it. That grifty bastard would take the other guys' guns and wallets, then fly away on a taxpayer-funded government jet with his wife Marie-Antoinette, safe in the knowledge that he will be Trump's Best Boy when he lands.

As for what's going on in Washington DC today, we imagine everything is just sun-shiney and TGIF, except for how there are rumors swirling that Trump might subject America to a 7 PM Friday announcement about YET ANOTHER resignation/firing. Will it be Tillerson? It could be, even though firing the secretary of State would be the absolute stupidest thing Trump could possibly do right now. (It's always safe to bet Trump is considering doing the absolute stupidest thing he could do, because he's stupid.)

At the same time, Trump is BABY-SHITTING ANGRY at Tillerson right now, because when news came out that he thinks Trump is a moron, Tillerson didn't deny it, and also his face has been on TV this whole week, which means the media isn't giving Trump the attention he so craves.

NBC News, which broke Moron-Gate, reports that Trump was so GRRRR when the news broke that Kelly "summoned" Tillerson and Mattis to the White House, instead of going to Las Vegas with Trump, and they "huddled to discuss a path forward." (See what we mean about how "Mnuchin" seems like the wrong third name for that "suicide pact" we mentioned above?)

Mike Pence is also apparently having a tantrum in his panties about Tillerson, so that's a thing. Let's not explore his feelings right now.

Axios reports that the romance between Trump and Tillerson is "broken beyond repair," and adds:

The relationship is so toxic ...that few in the White House think it can be rebuilt. There's zero trust between the West Wing and the State Department.

Well damn. That Donald Trump really did a good job at building a government, didn't he? He hires the best people, makes the best deals, etc.

If Tillerson becomes the 9,876th person to leave the Trump administration in eight months, who will replace him? The New York Times says Tillerson's aides are "looking over their shoulder" at current UN Ambassador Nikki Haley, but Axios is reporting that Trump's people are looking at CIA Director Mike Pompeo. That might be good, since Pompeo is VERY BAD at CIA and Trump would probably forget to nominate a new idiot to run the place. The CIA might get to do its job and shit! Of course, it would be bad for the entire world, since Mike Pompeo is a very stupid man, and a fucking asshole at that, which is not a good look for America's Next Top Diplomat.

Of course, there are rumors on internets that the resignation we're awaiting might not be Tillerson at all, as SOME ARE SAYING General John Kelly quit his job as chief of staff on Thursday and it will be announced sometime today. God, we hope not, as it would be terrifying to lose the only halfway mature adult in the entire White House. But Jim Hoft, the Stupidest Man On The Internet, is reporting on the rumors, so obviously we should pay attention, OBVIOUSLY. (If Hoft ends up being right, you know the old expression: "A stopped brain is always right once in an entire human life!")

Thursday night, Trump annoyed journalists during a photo op by saying we might be in the "calm before the storm" right now. What did he mean? Something about North Korea or Iran? Or is Trump about to rain down a tempest of rage-shits at Tillerson or Kelly or somebody else? Who can say!

Guess we'll just have to sit here and let the president hold us hostage to his petulant thin-skinned whims for yet another day.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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[Buzzfeed / Axios / NBC News]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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