Let’s Review Trump’s Thanksgiving Weekend Temper Tantrums

Donald Trump has refused to accept the results of a free and fair election he lost. He's spent almost a month insisting he won anyway, in defiance of God and math. He's ranted like a madman about imaginary voter fraud while otherwise pissing on democracy.

Trump's “elite strike force" of legal nitwits has repeatedly tried and failed to disenfranchise millions of voters. The Wile E. Coyote-like effectiveness of their efforts to overturn the election doesn't minimize their evil, but it does make it easier to laugh derisively at them. Voltaire's prayer that God should make our enemies ridiculous has been granted and then some.

On Thanksgiving Day, President Sore Loser sat at a kiddie table desk in the White House and suffered a supervillain breakdown. He declared the whole election a “fraud" and insisted there was no way President-elect Joe Biden had won 80 million votes because that's more than Trump got so that's just not fair. When reporter Jeff Mason at Reuters tried to interrupt his fugue state with facts, Trump went full Norma Desmond.

"You're just a lightweight. Don't talk to me that way. I'm the President of the United States. Don't ever talk to the president that way."

Trump's a pathetic shell of a man who desperately seeks approbation. He believed the presidency could bestow on him the respect and dignity he's never earned. Now he's just 51 days away from his permanent status as loser-in-chief and he can't process it. Psychotherapist Elizabeth Mika noted on Twitter that Trump isn't "playing 10-dimensional chess, calculating his future gains, and positioning himself for this, that, or something else." No, he "sincerely believes he's won" and "will die believing it, no matter the evidence."

I love Mika's psychiatric shade: Trump's election loss has made him “withdraw from reality more than usual." In layman's terms, Trump, like an adulterous Minnie Mouse, is fucking goofy. He still has access to the nuclear codes and could blow us all to atoms but then everyone would die knowing he's a loser whose adult children are all losers. He's obsessed with proving he was robbed. He's OJ Simpson searching for the “real killers," so we can expect Trump to just golf a lot before he's eventually imprisoned for some other random crimes. Justice works in mysterious ways.

Georgia, which Biden flipped thanks to Ms. Stacey Abrams, already had one hand recount that confirmed the president-elect's victory. Trump's demanded yet another recount, which will needlessly cost taxpayers hundreds of thousands of dollars. Trump's campaign did foot the $3 million bill for a partial recount in Wisconsin, and the result was Biden gained 87 votes. This outcome is consistent with most of Trump's business ventures.

"The Wisconsin recount is not about finding mistakes in the count, it is about finding people who have voted illegally, and that case will be brought after the recount is over, on Monday or Tuesday," Trump wrote in a tweet Saturday. "We have found many illegal votes. Stay tuned!"

Trump also couldn't stop Michigan from certifying Biden's win even after his shady as fuck meeting with Republican members of the state legislature. They just took him for some bottles of Dom Pérignon at the Washington DC Trump Hotel.

Sunday morning, Trump called up Korean state television Fox News and shared his unhinged conspiracy theories with a receptive Maria Bartiromo. He whined about the “big, massive dumps" that cost him the election. This isn't related to all those Goya products he enjoys. Trump cries “FRAUD!" if states count all the votes as they come in, especially if they favor his opponent. This isn't how anything works. A baseball team can't declare victory after scoring a single run in the first inning. But what does Trump know about sportsmanship or appropriately sized furniture?

Bartiromo didn't challenge any of Trump's lies, perhaps trying to regain President Klan Robe's support after he turned on the network in favor of his shiny new, propaganda outlet OANN.

Bartiromo asked Trump why the FBI or the Department of Justice haven't acted on Trump's baseless charges. She's apparently unaware that the X-Files division focuses on reasonable cases like alien abductions and Bigfoot sightings. Mulder and Scully aren't going to run around chasing the Kraken.

BARTIROMO: Shouldn't this be something the FBI is investigating?

TRUMP: Missing in action. Can't tell you where they are. I ask, “Are they looking at it?" Everyone says, “Yes, they're looking at it." Where are they with Comey, McCabe, and all these other people? I said I'll stay out of it. I wish I hadn't made that statement. There's no reason, really, why I have to. But where are they with Comey, McCabe, Brennan, with ... they lied to Congress. They lied. They leaked.

This is no longer specifically about the 2020 election but all Trump's imagined enemies — men and women of principle — who he believes have personally attacked him the past four years. Trump also denounces people for supposedly lying to Congress when he's just pardoned Michael Flynn, who lied to the FBI and his own pasty-ass vice president.

Trump is deranged and the GOP doesn't care because it amps up its equally deranged base. Abraham Lincoln warned that a house divided against itself cannot stand, and I'd add that a nation won't long endure if half its people are connected to reality and the other half watches Fox News.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


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